2010~ Let's Shut this Year Down....Thank Ya Jesus~ Things are Looking Up

The year is coming to a close and I am realizing I have really been blessed. I am pleasantly surprised with how well it ended up when it started out so shitty.

Last January was a new start for me, after a suck-ass holiday season in 2009. Newly single, I adopted the "fake it until you make it" philosophy and set out to have a bit of fun in 2010, all the while inside my head mourning the future I thought I'd lost with Romeo. I was busy enough to fool everyone and myself that I was okay. Ok, my BFF Cora knows better than that (sorry sweetie). I had a setback a few weeks later after deciding to see Romeo again and thinking things for us might turn around, only to have it dawn on me after one particular dinner out together last March, that he wasn't returning my hugs as wholeheartedly as he once had, and his non-committal talk was as non-committal as ever.

He'd moved on. It hit me right there during that date, and it was like a slap in the face. But also a spotlight was shining from above (God?) directly on the situation and showed me what was going on, blaringly obvious for the first time since we'd begun our breakup months before. It told me my only option was to discontinue our "friendship" totally. No contact. No emails. Nada. It was tragic but it was the second time I'd done this with him and it was the only path I could walk down to salvage my self-respect and dignity. I am immensely proud to say I have not seen or spoke to him since last March. Thank ya Jesus.

After a month of wallowing in pity, I decided to get out there and date other men. See my past blogs for my little adventure into internet dating. Like an episode of What Not to Wear, I tried on a lot of different types of men. I booked my free weekends solid with new-guy meetings. It was comical. I didn't like half of them upon first sight. I had things in common with a few of them, so I kept it friendly knowing I had no spark with them. I actually liked a couple guys more than a little, but found they were not ready to stop the dating game to find out more about me.

Ah, lessons in love, er in like...priceless. I don't regret a bit of it. Those few months gave me new confidence, and funny stories to tell my friends, and other things to think about so I would NOT think about he-who-must-not-be-named. Thank ya Jesus.



All this time I partied and traveled in an attempt to divert my attention from my despair, I had been talking with a friend I'd reconnected with on Facebook- a boy I once knew as far back as elementary school, when we both wore plaid pants and had bowl hair-cuts. We had gotten together a few weekends and had some super-great times, enjoying an easy rapport due to our common backgrounds. But he knew (cuz I told him) I was an emotional wreck and not to be counted on for much. So just our texts, IMs, and an occasional drunk-dial kept us in touch throughout the first half of 2010. As I began my little dating spree in late Spring, I didn't even mention what I was up to, but I suspected he was doing the same. There was mutual adoration and friendship between us. He was always there to talk to if I needed a male perspective.

Toward mid-summer he and I reunited at a high school reunion barbeque in our hometown, and now this amazing man is my boyfriend. I don't even mind calling him that, even though we seem too old for those terms- BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. (Will you GO WITH ME?? Check the box YES NO ) We've known each other most of our lives, with a little 20 year break there in the middle, so "boyfriend" is ok with me.

My awesome boyfriend, whom I'll call Sinatra (for his blue eyes) is one big reason for the second half of Twenty-Ten turning the tide. Thanks to Facebook (meh, hate to give FB too much credit or it's already inflated head may pop off and float away) and our old classmates' grand efforts to keep us all coming back home again, we were able to rediscover each other. And the time I spent away from him, but knowing he was quietly there in the background, was the perfect recipe for me to know what I needed and wanted FOR ME. He patiently watched and I am lucky that he waited. It was a time for big growth for me.

Now we are such integral parts of each others' lives. Our kids are happily becoming more comfortable with each other and with us as a couple. They are delighted to see us in love. We are a modern family already and even with some distance between our homes, we make it work and are moving forward with our future together.

2011 will hold exciting adventures for all of us.

Thank ya Jesus.

The Bigger Picture

I recently have pissed somebody off and even though I feel justified in what I did, they do as well, but I don't find the arguement worthy of a long-term stand-off. But that is what it seems we have here.

I have watched this person grow bitter and defensive over the last few years and I have grown more and more concerned that I am losing them. They are important to me and I am surely losing them. They are losing themselves too, but I can't show them that. That is up to them to realize on their own.

I don't feel they have a support system in their lives where they can afford to lose another person close to them. I feel guilty avoiding them, but I have because I sometimes feel uncomfortable and judged around them. I don't want to keep taking steps back to make it easier on me, only to realize this person is no longer within sight.

I see the Bigger Picture and that is that People Need People. BUT we need to accept people for what they are in our lives and not expect everyone to be exactly like us. I can appreciate some of my friends' oddities and laugh with them about how different they are in their daily trappings and routines. It's okay. How interesting people are and how enlightening it is to open my mind and see a different way. I love to tell stories about my experiences. I love to listen to others' life's journies and ask them questions about them. I always can find something in common with a person, even it is just something they like to eat that I like, or a place that we have both been. I am happy to meet them and appreciate them for enriching my day.

I don't feel I need to give my time on this earth to negative people. Defensive people who feel no one understands their lives and that most people have it easier than them. We all manage what we have. We all sacrifice. I can only listen so long to a story of something bad happening to a person but then hearing them not doing all they can to improve that situation. Blaming others. Pitying themselves.

I can tolerate ups and downs. I have been there. I understand feelings about life and love and anything changing from one minute to the next. I have been there. I am a good talker and listener and do not mind trying to figure things out. I have been blessed to have people in my life who have done that for me.

I want to pay it forward. I try to make my life better by making good decisions and doing the best I can, but I also want to offer myself to others, things I can do or say, or by just listening, to give them hope. If they want it.

If a person doesn't want to hope, or doesn't know what they want, they will eventually be alone. And not just physically alone, but lost-alone. No higher being to believe in or ask for help. No friends who are really there to hear all the details and offer a shoulder to cry on. No family around them to offer unconditional love. The walls will be up to protect them, understandably, but inside those walls it will be lonely.

I pray that I can still be there to help them out. I am not one to give up on a person. I typically stay for the long-haul. I value the people in my life, especially the ones who have made me who I am. I will try to always be here for them, if they want me.

Holiday-Schmoliday...I need a Break!

Why am I feeling restless this holiday season? Why do I feel so unorganized? Something is going on, and I don't like it. We made it through the tough months of fenagling the start-up of school, religious ed class, piano and volleyball practice and games. Almost every night was something after school and on weekends. I think the fast-paced daily routine is now a bit of an addiction for me. I am craving the busy-ness and don't feel right unless I'm running ninety-to-nothing. But even as I still am running errands and scheduling back-to-back activities, I don't feel right either.

Thanksgiving week flew by as I worked most of it. Even though the girls were gone that week with their dad, I didn't get much done. I'm buying gifts willy-nilly and not sure what all I've bought. Not smart. Money is tighter than ever this year since I have vacations planned for the Spring. I told the girls if they didn't see much from mom this year, they should appreciate the things they get from others in our family and realize the Spring Break ski trip will be a delayed Christmas gift. They seemed to understand that. Don't get me wrong, these two little girls are getting a nice bunch of Mama/Santa gifts. But I thank God for their wisened ages and their own Christmas Spirit! It really is nice to have kids with who you can finally reason.



I am starting to get the idea that it is imperatively necessary for me to slow down and breathe. Take in the Christmas Spirit and count my blessings. Stop with the material-driven commercials and constant holiday-related commitments. So many others are struggling more than me. My kids have birthdays this time of year and are lucky to get gifts from their friends to tide them over until Christmas Day. They have their extended family around them to enjoy all sorts of celebrations with over these next few weeks. They are ok with how things are. Their biggest concern right now is when I'm getting the Christmas decorations down from the attic.

I am so grateful for my family and my friends and my boyfriend and my job and the cozy roof of my home. I want to show them all appreciation with gifts for the season. But it is more important to let them know how much I love them. And it's equally important to keep myself calm and thoughtful during this time of year.

Ahhh, that's better...I can smell the sweetness of Christmas already.