2010~ Let's Shut this Year Down....Thank Ya Jesus~ Things are Looking Up

The year is coming to a close and I am realizing I have really been blessed. I am pleasantly surprised with how well it ended up when it started out so shitty.

Last January was a new start for me, after a suck-ass holiday season in 2009. Newly single, I adopted the "fake it until you make it" philosophy and set out to have a bit of fun in 2010, all the while inside my head mourning the future I thought I'd lost with Romeo. I was busy enough to fool everyone and myself that I was okay. Ok, my BFF Cora knows better than that (sorry sweetie). I had a setback a few weeks later after deciding to see Romeo again and thinking things for us might turn around, only to have it dawn on me after one particular dinner out together last March, that he wasn't returning my hugs as wholeheartedly as he once had, and his non-committal talk was as non-committal as ever.

He'd moved on. It hit me right there during that date, and it was like a slap in the face. But also a spotlight was shining from above (God?) directly on the situation and showed me what was going on, blaringly obvious for the first time since we'd begun our breakup months before. It told me my only option was to discontinue our "friendship" totally. No contact. No emails. Nada. It was tragic but it was the second time I'd done this with him and it was the only path I could walk down to salvage my self-respect and dignity. I am immensely proud to say I have not seen or spoke to him since last March. Thank ya Jesus.

After a month of wallowing in pity, I decided to get out there and date other men. See my past blogs for my little adventure into internet dating. Like an episode of What Not to Wear, I tried on a lot of different types of men. I booked my free weekends solid with new-guy meetings. It was comical. I didn't like half of them upon first sight. I had things in common with a few of them, so I kept it friendly knowing I had no spark with them. I actually liked a couple guys more than a little, but found they were not ready to stop the dating game to find out more about me.

Ah, lessons in love, er in like...priceless. I don't regret a bit of it. Those few months gave me new confidence, and funny stories to tell my friends, and other things to think about so I would NOT think about he-who-must-not-be-named. Thank ya Jesus.



All this time I partied and traveled in an attempt to divert my attention from my despair, I had been talking with a friend I'd reconnected with on Facebook- a boy I once knew as far back as elementary school, when we both wore plaid pants and had bowl hair-cuts. We had gotten together a few weekends and had some super-great times, enjoying an easy rapport due to our common backgrounds. But he knew (cuz I told him) I was an emotional wreck and not to be counted on for much. So just our texts, IMs, and an occasional drunk-dial kept us in touch throughout the first half of 2010. As I began my little dating spree in late Spring, I didn't even mention what I was up to, but I suspected he was doing the same. There was mutual adoration and friendship between us. He was always there to talk to if I needed a male perspective.

Toward mid-summer he and I reunited at a high school reunion barbeque in our hometown, and now this amazing man is my boyfriend. I don't even mind calling him that, even though we seem too old for those terms- BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. (Will you GO WITH ME?? Check the box YES NO ) We've known each other most of our lives, with a little 20 year break there in the middle, so "boyfriend" is ok with me.

My awesome boyfriend, whom I'll call Sinatra (for his blue eyes) is one big reason for the second half of Twenty-Ten turning the tide. Thanks to Facebook (meh, hate to give FB too much credit or it's already inflated head may pop off and float away) and our old classmates' grand efforts to keep us all coming back home again, we were able to rediscover each other. And the time I spent away from him, but knowing he was quietly there in the background, was the perfect recipe for me to know what I needed and wanted FOR ME. He patiently watched and I am lucky that he waited. It was a time for big growth for me.

Now we are such integral parts of each others' lives. Our kids are happily becoming more comfortable with each other and with us as a couple. They are delighted to see us in love. We are a modern family already and even with some distance between our homes, we make it work and are moving forward with our future together.

2011 will hold exciting adventures for all of us.

Thank ya Jesus.

The Bigger Picture

I recently have pissed somebody off and even though I feel justified in what I did, they do as well, but I don't find the arguement worthy of a long-term stand-off. But that is what it seems we have here.

I have watched this person grow bitter and defensive over the last few years and I have grown more and more concerned that I am losing them. They are important to me and I am surely losing them. They are losing themselves too, but I can't show them that. That is up to them to realize on their own.

I don't feel they have a support system in their lives where they can afford to lose another person close to them. I feel guilty avoiding them, but I have because I sometimes feel uncomfortable and judged around them. I don't want to keep taking steps back to make it easier on me, only to realize this person is no longer within sight.

I see the Bigger Picture and that is that People Need People. BUT we need to accept people for what they are in our lives and not expect everyone to be exactly like us. I can appreciate some of my friends' oddities and laugh with them about how different they are in their daily trappings and routines. It's okay. How interesting people are and how enlightening it is to open my mind and see a different way. I love to tell stories about my experiences. I love to listen to others' life's journies and ask them questions about them. I always can find something in common with a person, even it is just something they like to eat that I like, or a place that we have both been. I am happy to meet them and appreciate them for enriching my day.

I don't feel I need to give my time on this earth to negative people. Defensive people who feel no one understands their lives and that most people have it easier than them. We all manage what we have. We all sacrifice. I can only listen so long to a story of something bad happening to a person but then hearing them not doing all they can to improve that situation. Blaming others. Pitying themselves.

I can tolerate ups and downs. I have been there. I understand feelings about life and love and anything changing from one minute to the next. I have been there. I am a good talker and listener and do not mind trying to figure things out. I have been blessed to have people in my life who have done that for me.

I want to pay it forward. I try to make my life better by making good decisions and doing the best I can, but I also want to offer myself to others, things I can do or say, or by just listening, to give them hope. If they want it.

If a person doesn't want to hope, or doesn't know what they want, they will eventually be alone. And not just physically alone, but lost-alone. No higher being to believe in or ask for help. No friends who are really there to hear all the details and offer a shoulder to cry on. No family around them to offer unconditional love. The walls will be up to protect them, understandably, but inside those walls it will be lonely.

I pray that I can still be there to help them out. I am not one to give up on a person. I typically stay for the long-haul. I value the people in my life, especially the ones who have made me who I am. I will try to always be here for them, if they want me.

Holiday-Schmoliday...I need a Break!

Why am I feeling restless this holiday season? Why do I feel so unorganized? Something is going on, and I don't like it. We made it through the tough months of fenagling the start-up of school, religious ed class, piano and volleyball practice and games. Almost every night was something after school and on weekends. I think the fast-paced daily routine is now a bit of an addiction for me. I am craving the busy-ness and don't feel right unless I'm running ninety-to-nothing. But even as I still am running errands and scheduling back-to-back activities, I don't feel right either.

Thanksgiving week flew by as I worked most of it. Even though the girls were gone that week with their dad, I didn't get much done. I'm buying gifts willy-nilly and not sure what all I've bought. Not smart. Money is tighter than ever this year since I have vacations planned for the Spring. I told the girls if they didn't see much from mom this year, they should appreciate the things they get from others in our family and realize the Spring Break ski trip will be a delayed Christmas gift. They seemed to understand that. Don't get me wrong, these two little girls are getting a nice bunch of Mama/Santa gifts. But I thank God for their wisened ages and their own Christmas Spirit! It really is nice to have kids with who you can finally reason.



I am starting to get the idea that it is imperatively necessary for me to slow down and breathe. Take in the Christmas Spirit and count my blessings. Stop with the material-driven commercials and constant holiday-related commitments. So many others are struggling more than me. My kids have birthdays this time of year and are lucky to get gifts from their friends to tide them over until Christmas Day. They have their extended family around them to enjoy all sorts of celebrations with over these next few weeks. They are ok with how things are. Their biggest concern right now is when I'm getting the Christmas decorations down from the attic.

I am so grateful for my family and my friends and my boyfriend and my job and the cozy roof of my home. I want to show them all appreciation with gifts for the season. But it is more important to let them know how much I love them. And it's equally important to keep myself calm and thoughtful during this time of year.

Ahhh, that's better...I can smell the sweetness of Christmas already.

Preserving my 8 year old's Innocence

The Tooth Fairy made an appearance at our house last night.

We went through losing the first eight front baby teeth when Chillgirl was 5 and 6 years old. My youngest daughter is about to turn 8, so it's been a while since the last visit.

Both my girls got their teeth very early (starting @ 4-5 months old) and began losing them by age 4 and 5. They have kindergarten snaggle-tooth photos to prove it. At those early ages, the Tooth Fairy is a given. A pretty princess-like fairy flits down in the middle of the night and carries the stinky tooth away, leaving change behind? Hot Dang! That's a deal! They couldn't wait to get to sleep on those nights.

Now my oldest, Lil Lady, has lost all hers (heck, she's still got 12 year molars coming in- which must account for much of her current bitchiness, right?), and Chillgirl has finally got some more wigglies happening to the larger back teeth. The right side lower tooth rocked its way out on Tuesday at school. She came home with a little plastic tooth necklace with her stinky tooth inside and told me it fell out in Art. Yay!

She was up late that night, way past her bedtime, and I mentioned if she didn't get to sleep the Tooth Fairy wouldn't come. Yes, stellar parenting skills aren't they? Finally the house quieted. And Mom/Tooth Fairy fell asleep.

I get up Wednesday morning and began my usual morning routine, rousing the girls with first gentle nudges and normal-voiced suggestions of getting up and dressed, and then being ignored so onto the ever-escalating raised voice, to the all-out yelling and threats. At about the same time I realized what I'd done (or not done) Chillgirl pops up from my bed (where she ends up every night) and runs off to her room, because she remembered the same thing I did.

The Tooth Fairy! What'd she leave me? Huh? A pouty-faced sweet little girl comes back in my room..."My tooth is still there." More pouting.

And I, in all my motherly-wisdom, say "Well, you must've gone to bed too late for her. Maybe tonight." Pout. But all in all she took it pretty well for an almost 8 year old.

So last night she made sure she was in bed early, and fell asleep on time. I was on-point and did my Tooth Fairy Thang and all was good.

This AM she was brushing her teeth and getting dressed when she remembered and ran into her room to check. She came back in all pouty-faced again and said "Nothing"...with a crack of a smile in the corner of that precious face as she pretended to look sad.

Chillgirl: "Just kidding! I got a dollar!" (big toothless smile)

Then she proceeds to rub the dollar on her face.

Me: "Don't rub that on your face! It could be dirty with germs!"

Chillgirl: "Mom, it's not dirty...it's from Heaven."

DUH MOM!

Zoinks! Almost blew my cover.

Smart little Chillgirl!

New Love, New Neuroses

An article I read recently likened new love to a "mental health crisis", like a drug addiction or obsessive compulsive disorder. In addition, there are cooky little pheromones and hormones causing us to run around obliviously attracting mates who are biologically compatible with ourselves.

"Pheromones are chemicals capable of acting outside the body of the secreting individual to impact the behavior of the receiving individual" (medterms.com)

Creepy, huh?



Crazy in love?

I can buy that.

I can attest to the notion that LOVE FEELS GOOD.

And who doesn't like the brandy-new kind? You want more (read: all) of the person you love. I mean all the time. To be newly smitten gives off that constant internal high, the flutters in the stomach, the feeling of amazement and wonder as to why a person is so right for us, and where have they been until now?

New love can also be distracting and flustering when it occupies so much brainpower that you walk around in a lovely fluffy mental cloud all day long. Personally, I go through my day wondering what this person is doing. Or thinking. Or who he is talking to? Or is he thinking of me? It's a wonder I get anything accomplished.

The newly dating period is euphoric. Long talks on the phone, asking tons of dumb questions like what cereals do you like and would you rather wash dishes or fold clothes? It is never boring, even when investigating the mundane. You marvel over how compatible you are with each other. You make others around you nauseous with your constant idiotic grinning and love pats and kisses when they are subjected to the two of you together. It just feels all happy and tingly to sit near each other and touch as many body parts as is publicly allowed.

What? Why is that so wrong?



As if a halo of starry sparkles and aromic potpourri is following us around, and everyone must know it.

After a while, the comfortableness sets in and the brandy-newness wears off. This is still a good stage. You are still feeling pretty special and blessed to have a partner to share every thought with and be inseparable with. You get used to being loved by someone daily and being a focal point in their life and them being one in your life.

Real life situations arise, like staying over with each other and running out of toilet paper, or dealing with each others' exes/kids/parents/jobs/etc. Reality is good. Reality is what lets you know this one is possibly THE ONE. Without a healthy dose of reality, a new couple cannot be prepared for the future. Somebody's bubble is gonna burst.

All the important and unimportant questions have been asked. Talk-time is over. Now its time for action.



In a Jack-from-Will&Grace-style...aaand BACK TO ME. I will fess up and admit this next part is truly all about me...

The action phase is where I get a bit looney-tunes. My own issues with this area begins with the fact that I'm a chronic planner as well as my tendency to ask questions about a future that hasn't happened yet and expect coherent answers like, yesterday.

I get it stuck in my head what I want it to look like, like something I saw on a cheesy rom-com, and I want to know NOW if that is gonna happen. Just tell me now, honey, how will the next 5 years go? Because if it's something I don't like, let's not waste your and my time. This gets me in trouble. This gets me labeled a control-freak, a nag, a neurotic.

Ok, ok, I've never heard a mate of mine call me those things but I am imagining this is what their internal alarms are blaring when I start asking "when?" BEEP-BEEP! FREAK! FREAK! FREAK! RUN AWAY! Poor guys.


In my current sorta brandy-new relationship, a lot of things will have to take place before we are able to reside in the same town, let alone the same house. My past history with men has always been that of allowing long courting periods as long as there is a goal in sight. I went 4 years dating before I married my ex-husband. I stayed in my relationship with Romeo for almost 3 years, always assuming our lives would merge Eventually. Well, that one was a shocker (to me) and it ended abruptly with the realization that Eventually wasn't in his plans. Sooo, in my current situation, I'm hesitant to go on blind-faith that Eventually will arrive as planned in my regimented little mind. At the age of 40, I feel I don't have years to "wait-and-see" how things will flush out.

Yes, I know. Breathe. I am trying. I have talks with myself all the time. Come on, give the guy a chance. He's saying all the right things. He's doing all the right things. He loves me. He tells me he loves me. He loves my kids. He loves where I live and isn't asking me to give up my life and move. He fixes stuff around the house (bonus!). He makes me laugh. He loves my kids. Oh, did I say that already?

Yeah, I think it is wise to take a breather on my usual mental hyperactivity and hang on for the ride with this one. He's worth it.

All Clear in the Boob Department

The pain of my breast biopsy was almost gone three days later, when I called into my doctor for the results. I was supposed to hear from her after 48 hours, but seeing how it was Friday, and the biopsy was done on Tuesday, I figured my results were laying in a pile on her desk and her office staff had jammed up her schedule so she was not able to look at them.

In my humble opinion, taking a few hours a day to look at test results and then make the promised phone calls to nervously-waiting patients who are contemplating how they could possibly make it through chemo while they still coach their 7 year old's volleyball team is not too much to ask, right? I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but as a Lady Doctor, I'd be pretty damn adamant with my office staff to allow this important time in my schedule.

When I called I got the doctor's nurse line, and had to leave a message. More waiting. Finally I got a call back. From the nurse. "Everything was fine.", she said.

Wow, she went to school to learn to say that.

So I had to ask, "It was benign?" "Yes, yes, the results were benign, follow-up mammo in six months.", she said quickly. Did she have somewhere else to be? I hope it was calling other 85 ladies waiting at 4pm on a Friday to get good news. I assumed the actual doctor was making the NON-good news calls. She better be.

Thanks, Lady-who-is-not-My-Doctor.

Thanks.

Breast Biopsy...Not My Idea of a Good Time

Did the breast biopsy, and I can honestly say, I'd rather get a root canal. You saw the picture I posted in my last post. Torture chamber, yessiree. Laying on my stomach with my boob through a hole so they can xray it while they are probing it...lots of pulling and prodding. Under that table there was a world of busy going on, and I was powerless to stop it.

Initially, I only had pain from the prick of the needle which numbed the incision spot, about like the needleprick from your dentist for a root canal or cavity filling. But the position I was made to lay in on that damn table had my neck and back in spasms by halfway through it. This is no massage table, people. No hole for your head to hang in its natural position while your back and shoulders are massaged into bliss. Imagine laying on a chaise lounge on your stomach, sunbathing, but with your left arm above your head, and your head staying sharply to the right. For an hour. When I sunbathe, I move around alot. Not comfortable to keep one position on a flat surface. Apparently no one's told the mammogram/biopsy people this. I finally had to turn my head awkwardly to the left just to keep from screaming out with the cramp in my neck. This didn't help at all. Here comes a cramp beginning on the other side.

I had my iPod music going and tried to doze off but they were pulling me this way and that and machines were making noise and they were flashing xrays the whole time. When they got the tissue they needed, they went to look at the xrays again, and did a few more to be sure they had the right spot. They put in a titanium marker to denote the place for my next mammogram. That stays with me. Finally I was released from the vise and my incision was patched up. I was bleeding through the gauze but I was made to do another standing mammogram in the next room to be compare to my originals. More bleeding, on the machine, on the floor, on my robe. Surprisedly, I did not get sick at any of this. I should get a medal. Oh, guess I did...a titanium one.


This Stereotactic Biopsy/through-the-hole-in-the-table procedure was done because there was no obvious lump to sample, so they had to go in guided by the multiple xrays. When it was done, I was sent home with an icepack and more gauze to try to stop the bleeding. Only Tylenol for the pain. I wandered out of there in a daze. Such a weird experience.

The worst after-effect is my neck and back still aching from the odd position and a tender spot on my breast. My chiropractor did what he could for the neck and back. Ice has helped too. My only other post-procedure woe is waiting to hear from the doctor on the results. I'm sure that I'm not the most important thing on her docket, but hoping for today or tomorrow.