That's all well and good, but I did have other revelations in the past year and hopefully in this new year that do NOT involved my relationship with a man. Geez-louise, I know I have more going on that that, and so now, dag-nabbit, I'm going to reflect on it.
My work has steadily become more dissatisfying. I'm not sure why this is how I suddenly feel now, but I think I will have to make a change in the coming years. I have put in 16 years with my company and feel I'm doing the same job I've always done for the same rewards and pay and lack of recognition as I have for many of those years, and it isn't fulfilling anymore. 2010 was a difficult year from start to finish. The recession finally caught up with our industry and people are scraping to replace their hearing aids with cheaper models and expecting more free services than ever before. I leave the office feeling used and abused by my clients many days, and do not have enough of the feel-good days in any given month. This sucks but it is a job and it pays the bills and is all I have right now, so I will put up and shut up for now.
I'm not worried, I do have in mind other related jobs I'd like to pursue in the future if money weren't the only issue. I have many contacts in this town and will make sure the right people know my value. It is ok to recognize my grumblings and lay some plans out to help myself down the line. I'm at peace with where I am with this now.
My kids are both in a good place after getting through 2010. Their ages are good for self-sufficiency and independence, but they still both love me and being with me. I know I have only a short time, maybe months, left with Lil Lady being my little girl before she decides Mom is a disease and won't come near me. She is already so sensitive to everything anyone says to her, as if the world is out to get her. This only applies to her immediate family as far as I know. At school things seem to be going well, socially and grades-wise. We argue about homework and studying for tests. She likes to perform with the least possible effort to get a "passing" grade. Aiyiyiyi...who's child is this? Extra Credit was my middle name in school. I loved trying to get the highest grade in class, while she is pretty damn proud of herself when she doesn't get the lowest. We have come a long way in my dealing with this attitude, but I must do better in this new year to not put too much pressure on a child who is perfectly happy being middle of the pack.
Chillgirl seems to be a bit more like me, competitive and willing to put forth more effort to do better. She lamented to me in a sad little voice recently that her teacher never gives her a "blue" on her behavior chart. I said but you always get greens, and green is the best. She said no, blues are even better for extra good behavior. I said what do you have to do to get a blue? She said I don't knooooow, all whiney. I said well you better ask your teacher what you can do to get a blue. She went and did just that. Her schoolwork, although it is only 2nd grade, seems effortless too. She gets good grades on worksheets and she likes to read an age-appropriate chapter book cover to cover to herself and actually come tell me about the story. I'm holding my breath on her, hoping she'll be a "mini-me" and blaze easily through the coming years. I have a feeling I'll need all my efforts and attention saved up for her sister.
The girls get along with each other and know when Momma's had enough and they usually get in line when needed. Being a single parent can really stink sometimes because they know I am tired. They know what things they can wear me down on. I hate giving in but I choose my battles to preserve my sanity. I'd love for them to be sympathetic to my tiredness and give me a break. And of course I worry. I worry about everything with them.
My worry about the kids is normal, I know. All parents worry, right? But I regret putting divorce in their lives and handing them the higher percentage chance of having relationship issues within the future-- distrusting adults, or being unsure about men or marriage. They have limited time with their father and that worries me. It is not my choice that he doesn’t see them as much as he should, but it is my fault for having him move out and divorcing him. That was all me. Saying that, I still try not to hold onto all the blame because he did have fault in our split, but ultimately I bear the responsibility for making my children go through many days not seeing their dad.
They seem to be fine. They are healthy, confident and well-behaved most of the time, and they have friends and good social skills. I am proud of them both, but I will still always be a worrier.
Job, kids…check. And now back to ME. I have spent the last year getting my heart in order and trying to keep myself healthy and happy too. I still have my days when things seem not quite good enough, or I want more and despair at not having a way of getting it NOW, but those days are few and most likely related to some hormonal rollercoaster going on inside of me in conjunction with the current moon-cycle. On the other days, I take advantage of every spare minute to find a mentally clean place to go. Staying involved at Church to remind myself of the importance of my actions and contemplate why we are all here. Taking care of my body with cycling, running, or swimming, either alone or with my tri-buddies-- my go-to choices for a physical release of pent up stress. I enter races or rides to give me that motivational tool and deadline to keep my head in exercise mode. The annual ski vacations and trips to visit family or friends are vital for my sanity. And chiropractic, massage, and hair/nail appointments are the other ways of being nice to me.
I expect to continue on as I have been in this New Year. I don’t know what else I can do. This is the path I have chosen for myself and my girls and we do pretty well. The two of them will lead me in new areas as they grow and have new doors opened for themselves. I am enjoying the stage we are at right now.
I love my little life.
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