2011~ A Charlie Sheen Kind of Year

A year with ups and downs, highs and lows, winning and losing. I figure a loose comparison to Charlie Sheen isn't uncalled for. I didn't have any goddesses or tiger blood but it has been a learning and growing year for me.

I have had some really good times. No, not drug-infused, but the laugh-out-loud, deep-breath-because-its-so-relaxing, tingly-all-over kind of fun. Seriously. Without drugs! Ok, a little wine or a great martini, sure.

My handsome Sinatra has been more here for me than any man in my life, even without him being physically here much of the time. I know when I finally realized how much we loved each other I was winning. I owe him for most of my UP times and deep breaths this past year.

My bestest girlfriends, Cora, K and K, my sister and a few fun others have been my rocks who sit and gab for hours about work, weight, exercise, kids, men, marriage, and anything under the sun. I'm so lucky they are 10 minutes away and we can jump on our bikes and ride the country roads, or meet with the kids for yogurt. These special ladies are willing meet anytime to share a margarita while bitching about the men in our lives (of course not you, sweetie), 'cause that's what friends are for. Hey, now that I think about it, maybe I do have some goddesses around me.

I have gotten to travel this past year twice with my group of high school friends who I haven't seen in years but fell right into the good ole days with as soon as we reconnected. Sinatra and I were so lucky to find these friends and make two different trips with them. One with all the kids and one with only the adults. Much love and laughter on both. Other trips with Sinatra and I and the kids were great bonding times for our new double-sized family. Such happy times.

I had some unlucky and scary times as well. Finding more spots on my follow-up mammogram and then the two biopsy surgeries to rid me of the cancerous cells floating around in me was paralyzing fear I'd not yet experienced before in my life. I had so many questions and dark thoughts rolling around in my head, but I kept going through my days by sheer will power and routine to not let myself wallow in it too much. I read up on what I had and my treatment, and followed message boards of other women with much worse to deal with and tried to put it all in perspective. I had cancer, and now its gone. I'm keeping that thought in the forefront until I'm told otherwise.

The only other negative drama has come in the form of people in my life who dislike me for not who I am but for what I have become to my boyfriend and his children. I love these four people and want them in my and my girls' lives. They want to be with us too. The ex and her husband suddenly in this past year are very concerned with the children living in another town and their control over them. Their lifestyle has not been one conducive to having children around on a regular basis before now, but they want to prevent the kids from living and/or moving with their father. Their father, who has happily never waivered in his devotion to them during the over two years since the marriage ended. Much time and money has been spent on this and its far from over. No concrete plans of a move are being made for this reason. I have good days and bad days on how this affects me. I am on the outside looking in but am also very involved when it comes to the arguing and ugliness causing pain to my dear man and his children. I want it all to resolve so we can move on, no matter what the outcome.

For all the bad, there really was much more good. I'm blessed to have all the people in my life and a stable family and job. I get love and support from most everyone I choose to be around. I have a solid sense of my own self that has always pulled me through adversity by working hard and loving well, and the reward is getting to enjoy it all. It doesn't have to come easy, I will do what I have to do to make it happen.

Bring on a New Year, in the wise words of Charlie Sheen, "Born ready. Winning."

Negativity Begone!

I've mentioned I have faith. I've mentioned I have two great kids and a loving boyfriend with 3 great kids. I've got a mom and dad living close by, a warm house that is all mine, and a good steady job. So why am I Worst-Case-Scenario-Sally?

I expose myself to stories on the news and stories from friends and I hear about awful things some people do to other people and I tend to assume the most negative outlook from any perplexing situation. This mood comes and goes I realize, but this time of year, or maybe its just this time of month, I'm swimming a pool of negativity.

I want to get out of the pool. I want to try to see the good possibilities that could happen and not just the bad ones. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from having my bubble burst. My goal would be to just blow up that bubble full-size and watch it fly and not worry about it popping. What if it doesn't? Great! How great would it be to ride that wave of positivity on into the sunset? It's a nice thought. Now to implement.

I have been burned before. Failed marriage for one. I remember the depths of unhappiness I felt during the end of that and I am desperate to not go through it again. Failed relationship after the marriage too. Disappointment and more sadness. But what if Sinatra is the man who will help me get through any downs as well as enjoy the ups with me? Why would I deny myself (and him) that chance? It feels more right than any other partnership I've ever had, I am sure of that.

I have to face the fact my life WILL have more unhappiness, but that having him next to me, truly WITH me, will give me strength like I have never had before to ride it out. I have pulled strength from deep within myself already to get out of those two relationships all by MYSELF. I did that. I really did that and all alone. I have been taking care of my kids and household and finances alone ever since. I have that power. I don't want my future to be me being all strong and powerful but alone. That's no fun.

Sinatra and I have gone through some hits so far. The long distance between us, the ex-wife, the 5 kids. We've been pretty great at handling everything together. He tries to protect me from some of it, but I'm annoyingly persistant and usually get him to share with me what's up. We talk it out. I still worry my negativity will start to be a turn-off, but sometimes his unwavering cheerfulness annoys me too. We are no doubt a good ying-yang couple.

I'd like to make it a resolution for 2012 to open my mind to the possibility of a postive outcome. Prayer, meditation, whatever...I need to find that. I'm not getting younger and negativity is poison for my future health. I want to grow older gracefully and have Sinatra right there holding my hand being older and graceful next to me. We deserve that chance. I'm going to give it a whirl...I bet it turns out GREAT.

Answered Prayers are Awesome

I don't usually discuss religious matters in public. I am Catholic which by definition means I'm pretty quiet about my faith. The most I ever talk about religion out loud is with my first graders whom I teach RE at my church, or if I'm yelling "Jesus is watching you!" to my own kids when they are acting like heathens.

I have a very full life with friends and family from all corners of my world. I may not be the most traveled person in the real world, but I make efforts to keep up with my loved ones no matter where they live or what they're doing. First MySpace and now Facebook have amplified this fact tenfold but I was always that classmate/family member who drives or flies off to someone's baby shower, wedding, holiday party or even funeral. Small towns like Waco, Bryan, and Baytown, or awesome big cities like Pittsburgh, San Diego and Tahoe. Just give me a reason.

I've kept up Christmas cards with people I haven't seen in person in 10-plus years. It is hard for me to STOP corresponding with people, even when its probably expected. After my divorce it was actually hard for me to not keep up with my ex-family. But even now, 5 years later, I still facebook with several of them.

I love all the people I've kept in my life and I stay invested in the events happening to them, and this leads me to worry for them. And I pray for them. I get really emotionally involved if someone is posting they are having surgery, are divorcing, have gotten ill, or have a parent die. I see others post they will keep them in their prayers. Sometimes I post the same, and sometimes I just say a silent prayer. I keep following the individual until I see they are okay. I don't often say much more because Facebook is such a public place and yes, they might have broadcast their news, but if I'm giving prayers I just do it...and don't feel the need to announce it.

Lately thankfully I have noticed some of my prayers have been been answered. I go throughout my days checking in on people and thinking about people and here lately I have noticed a few things have been better for those I've prayed for. Not grand, over-the-top, huge sucesses but still important. A sick child turns the corner and gets better despite the odds (this one WAS grand!), someone's legal issues seem to be working in their favor, a friend's job search shows new possibilities, two people find love when they had all but given up.

The power of prayer is real. It does not have to be showy or loud or all glitz and sparkles. Even tiny upsides should be thanked. They are part of a bigger picture and a grander scheme. In my little world, I will do what I can for those I care about, and prayer is one part of it.

Thank God.