I have a girlfriend going through a breakup with a guy she's been seeing since her divorce, about 2 years. When I met her they'd only been dating a few months and she jokingly told me he was her "boy toy", since he was younger, and she knew it wasn't going anywhere. I figured he was her rebound and understandably someone to boost her ego since her divorce was a result of her husband's infidelity. She said it was just for fun. Nothing lasting.
Here we are two years later and she and I have become pretty close along with another friend of ours. We are a great trio and do many activities together. I believe our friendship has probably helped with finally giving her the confidence to break it off with him a few months ago.
Unfortunately, he won't go away. He has berated her for her selfishness and insensitivity and called her names but then he wants her to stay with him. He does not want to change his life to accomodate hers, and resents her for even assuming he might. He's single. She has two children who live with her most of the time. They go to a private school in the suburbs. She can't move. Dude. If you are dating a single mother, you have to make some changes if you want to stay with her. He won't.
His calls and texts after the break-up were mostly late in the night (hmmm, why then?) and mostly calling her names for breaking up with him. Trying to justify his behavior and claim he's done so much for her. Really, he has not. Nothing that put him out of his comfort zone. She slowly started to realize he wasn't moving toward a future with her and her kids.
She doesn't know much about his life or friends. He would come to her when he can. If she did not have her kids, she would go to him. He rarely came to her functions or joined in her activities. Its possible she started to realize after I was with Sinatra for a while that a man should go "total immersion" into a woman's life if there is real love and a real future. She was willing to do that for him but could not get enough back.
Fine. You realize the person you are with is wrong for you and your life. I came to that realization with Romeo 2 years ago. Now what? You can pull away and hope they get the hint. Usually not. You can say what you would like to be changed and hope they agree. Um, if that was going to happen, it probably would've by now. You can stand your ground and say, Sorry Babe, I have to walk away from this because it isn't right for me. That's what you have to do. That should get you moving in the right direction even if you don't know what that direction is.
But what if the guy/girl won't let you go? I did NOT have that problem with Romeo. I said Good-bye, and he said OK. A bit too easily in my opinion, but actually that was best for me. My poor friend has this nutbag spewing nastytalk to her but then boo-hooing how much he wants her back. She wants to be wanted, as we all do. She doesn't want to be alone, as none of us do. She is gaining her strength to ward him off but it's tough for her.
What is his motivation to try to keep a woman who doesn't want to be with him? The psychology behind that has got to be disturbing. Something from his childhood, past, or innermost demons.
My other friend and I are trying to give her all the reasons to break all communication with him. Block his number. He texts and calls an insane number of times in a night, especially after midnight. No reason to put up with that. It's crazy with a capital C.
Only she can make the leap to cutting him off. Its a big step but the only one that makes sense. I am hoping she'll get there.
This time she needs to make it all about HER.
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