In My Mind's Eye, I Totally Work It

In my 40s I have been challenged with my weight and my physique, watching it go up and down, in and out, but never landing where I want it.  I have figured out my Hormones and my Hunger are in control and my Mind who wants to wear sundresses and bikinis and only a sports bra to run in, has to sit in the back seat while the other two hoodlums do the driving.

I think I look like this...

But I really look like this...

I work out, yes.  But lately nothing changes whether its a lot or a little exercise.  I don't feel good if I work out only a little so I continue to try to do SOMETHING almost every day. I weigh myself every day.  I fluctuate 4-6 lbs over the course of a month.  Its maddening.  If I am not changing much of my routine or my food, then why do I float around in the 150s that much?  

Thanks Brightroom!

Food.  I do like food.  I have done Weight Watchers, juicing, and online diet plans and dropped down some, but only at most 8-10lbs max.  Then I bottom out.  Eight to ten pounds is a lot on my frame, and I have loved it when it works but as I've crept into my 40s, it takes grander and more extreme dieting to make a dent.  Did I mention I like food?   Its about portion control and the healthy food pyramid I am certain.  But I know I'm not willing to sacrifice like the pros.  Not many people would, so I'm not alone there. I'd love to juice at least once a day, but who has time to clean up that damn juicer?

As much as I like food (and because I do), I hate race pictures.  They are the over-priced "professional" pictures taken by the photography companies that work 5Ks and marathons and triathlons.  Sometimes the photographer lays on the ground to get that shot of us running or cycling by.  This never works.  Depending on how close they get to me when they snap the shot,  I look like a two-ton gorilla, or my head is too big for my body, or my leg fat is billowing in a downward motion.

As in the photos displayed here,  I tend toward a hulkish rather than girlish figure, all massive arms and popping booty in a form-fitting wetsuit or on a skinny little bike.  I am well aware I weigh twice as much, if not more, than that bike.  If it wasn't for the bike, I'd never make it up those hills, that's for sure.  Don't get me started on how unforgiving spandex is.  Thank God everyone out there wears pretty much the same thing so I'm never the worst one.

Lots of Junk in that Trunk

I have been in better shape than I am currently but I never have nor will look like Ms. Desiree Ficker (see above), multiple Ironman top-five finisher and awesome triathlete from my town of Austin, TX.  Underneath all my mass, I might look like her, but I have yet to find the secret to unlocking my potentially (and alleged) tiny underframe.

Work that bike, Girl...

When I pose for pictures I can turn my angles and work it so I look more fit than I am.  Like an overweight mom who's Facebook profile picture is her happy face over the shoulder of her child, who's she's hiding her body behind, I use props to camouflage certain undesirable body parts as well.  Thank you Skinny Bike! Sans the props, I go for the legs together-facing front-biceps at my side-neck prolonged, I look like I have more muscle than fat.  I can work with that.

I just rode 36 hilly miles here, so who cares if I'm fat?

But alas, in the professional race picture, when I am in flight, my limbs out of my control, and angles nowhere in sight, you get what you get.  It ain't always pretty.  But so disheartening when you have felt like a champion and finished something you didn't think you could, but then see pictures that make you look like someone people may think didn't even train for this.  Or didn't train enough.  Or didn't take it seriously.

Happy I'm almost finished and out of the spandex

NOT my best angle

Of course I shouldn't compare myself with the super-fit elite athletes who don't eat anything preserved, and  grow their own organic veggies in their backyards, and who workout every day for hours.  Again, not likely to ever be me.  I do take my racing seriously, and within the scope of my life, with my kids and job and dogs and boyfriend and boyfriend's kids and parents and friends, I do all I can and make the best of it.  I have been more fit in the past, but I've never been this busy.  

My Hunger and Hormones will eat do what they may, but I must champion my Mind to see the healthy girl I am, not magazine cover-perfect, but strong and worthy of being out there with all those other athletes of all shapes and sizes.  Mind, free yourself.

You're still a BadAss, lumps and all