Second Time's a Charm...or an Unanswered Prayer?

As a 40-Something Woman of the World (ha!) I often wonder how I will live out my golden years.  I know I will be a traveler.  I want to plan excursions with my girlfriends and my man...er...separately of course.  I know I want to retire from working full-time while I am still able to enjoy it.  But I also know I want to stay grounded with a home-base near my children and grandchildren, as long as they know Grandma isn't hanging out at home waiting for Sunday dinner.  

In the immediate future, as in the next 8 years while I still have school-aged kids, I want to keep my current job to pay the bills, but expand into other areas such as teaching, which could parlay into a late career of a professorship in academia.  I see this clearly as a way to work not for the money, but for the fulfillment of educating new minds.  

In my relationship with Sinatra, I am clear on us growing old together.  How we get there is a bit more fuzzy.  Marriage and living together full-time is not in the cards for us right now.  The custody court results were clear.  His kids need to stay in their hometown 250 miles away to share custody between Sinatra and his ex.  My pity party regarding this outcome is over.  I am able to understand that his children actually enjoy going to their mom's (as a result of her finally stepping up and structuring her life more for her kids, thanks to the court case), and they weren't thrilled to move in the middle of their schooling.  I am able to understand Sinatra gave up his ability to move but worked out other important financial details with his ex, which benefit the children.  I am at peace with it all.  

Destination Wedding? No. Tropical island vacation? Yes!

We've discussed our future, and although there isn't a wedding to plan, we may have even better options available now.  His job will need him to be here often, even so far as needing him to establish a home here.  This would give "us" all a second (third?) home for him and his kids to be here extended times, like in the summer or on Christmas or Spring Breaks.  All 7 of us in my tiny house doesn't make for an easy visit.  A house for them near mine would give them a place to come without feeling cramped, and no air mattresses or sharing bathrooms.

I recently had a conversation with my friend, one of the K's, who is another divorced gal with two kids similar ages as mine, and who is dating someone who doesn't quite fit the mold for the "Let's move in together and get married" attitude expected of us as divorced-and-dating women.  We agreed we did the fall in love/get married/have babies thing in our 20s.  Now in our 40s we have been through divorce-hell and having come out of it independent and in control, it isn't necessary for us to compromise all over again, uproot the children again, or share bank accounts again.  

Our kids ARE our lives, as they should be, and our new men can definitely step in and aide us in raising them, but ultimately we are in control and bear the responsibility to get them through childhood and on into a productive adulthood.

K and I share a lot of the same issues with our ex-husbands enjoying the part-time-parenting-after-divorce, while we slog through our weeks running our kids from schools to activities to homework to bath to bed.  And we know in our relationships with our "new" men, we aren't ready to let go of the reins.  We worked through painful divorces to attain our Single-Mom-Wonder-Woman status and wear it proudly.  

What works for another divorcee when they meet "the one" (the other "one", not the "one" they married first...ha) may not work for us.  That's OK.  We all know of second marriages that were not successful.  Now that we have ourselves back together after divorce, why would we risk starting all that over just because society thinks we should be locked-down and married?  

Society.  Our parents and their aged-friends cannot get it that we have a CHOICE.  We don't have to get married again. Especially right away.  Let the kids have us to themselves, and our mates when they are around, and their Dads when they are around.  I know for my two girls, they have gotten to see their mom do it ALL. It shows them what is possible and what a woman can handle.  

Now, I don't always like being Miss-Independent...trust me.  I whine and complain when I am leaving work after an 8-hour day and driving straight to get the kids and on to a piano lesson or volleyball practice or cheer performance without even so much as going to the bathroom.  I microwave a mean frozen meal or pizza for my kids on a late night, or even do the drive-through fast food to just be done with it.

Miss-Independent is an empowering label, but I personally was not built to do it alone.  I rely on anyone and everyone to help me out with all our activities, and I mean my own as well.  Sinatra has stepped right on up with vigor and enthusiasm to take my girls, or his kids AND my girls, where they need to be.  I have no doubt if he was here, near me, I would share all of these things with him joyfully.

I am convinced Sinatra and I will thrive in our new arrangement.  It really has dawned on me our Unanswered Prayer was just what we needed to survive our post-divorce/full-time parent 40s decade.

Maybe our 50s will be a whole new ball of wax.  I look forward to it.

Pity Party, Party of One

Go towards the light, Carol-Ann!.

Had a dream a few nights ago....very telling. 

Sinatra and I ended up in an underground room, hiding from something, and became stranded there, stuck underground with no way out.  A few other people we know were there as well.  I was getting super claustrophobic since we were underground with no way out.  Suddenly we heard noise outside and someone was getting to the door and getting it open.  I then realized I could see a window with light through it and we weren't as far underground as I thought.  The door was finally opened and everyone was going out but me.  Sinatra was at the threshold with his hand out saying, Come on...but I wouldn't go out of fear.  

Then I woke up.

It doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure that one out...I do feel trapped with fear of my future right now.  We, Sinatra and I and the kids, have reached the conclusion of the custody battle.  It was settled between him and his ex out of court, minutes before the mudslinging would have begun in front of an almost-retired judge.  I am not pleased with the settlement.  He let her out of all the money she owed him and reworked their possession arrangement so they kids will have plenty of time with their mom.  I thought he wanted the freedom to move with the kids, but he settled with his ex to allow her more possession than she already had, thereby cutting off all possibility of them moving here.

It has been a rough couple of days with us.

And then there's me.  I know, this situation did not happen TO ME, but it is obviously affecting my life.  The plans we talked about from the beginning where they move to my town in the summer and set up their own household and get used to new surroundings and start at new schools.  We begin to function as a family, attending the kids' activities and school-nights, and grocery shopping together.  Separate living to ease his kids into a new town, without the complication of instant step-siblings or a new step-parent right off the bat.  We would work out weekends with their mom and function smoothly as an extended family.

Eventually a merge.  Eventually a marriage.

I am mourning the loss of this plan.  What we now have leaves us with more LDR, less time I get to spend with his kids, he and I working our plans around the crazy visitation the kids now will have with their mom.  Week-on, week-off, where are they now? Can we switch that day for this day, blah, blah, blah.

Then the question goes...

How much compromise and sacrifice will he and I be able to take?  

Justice for all?

Sinatra's friends, and some of mine, ask why I won't move to him?  I have come to the conclusion that this option could be our immediate ruin.  He's claimed to be unhappy there and the ex-wife drama was there too, so why would I move closer to that?  Put myself and my girls closer to it?  Hell no. After their settlement, however, he's vowing to co-parent with her and they have agreed to be flexible on the visitation times.  Easy? Flexible? I have not known these words to describe anything with their post-divorce relationship.  I have that type of divorce with my ex, and I wish that for Sinatra too, but I'm distrustful of her motives and promises.

Staying here and doing the LDR thing is a challenge at best.  We've done it for over 2 years now but that was with the hopes of an end in sight.  That end is null and void as far as I can tell now.  His life is there, 3 hours north of here.  His kids want to be there, not here.  His ex needs to be near her kids, she fought for them and won.

All of my hopes were based in the information I was told by Sinatra from the beginning of our relationship.  His ex was a part-time mom since the divorce.  She drank and smoked and partied several times a week.  She skipped her visitation nights for the bar.  Her new husband was mean to the kids, not interested in trying to build a relationship with them.  The kids didn't like going to their house.  I believed these things.  It made sense that they would want to move here with their dad and it made sense she wouldn't mind them going.

Was he lying? No. I believe he was caught up in the mires of the fight for survival too.

This information was wrong, yes.  It was one-sided and it became more cloudy as the court proceedings droned on.  Was she fighting to keep her kids or was she fighting to prevent Sinatra from being happy?  I thought the latter, but now I'm not so sure.  Time will tell if she takes all her allotted visitation with the kids and builds healthy relationships with it.  She must now put her money where her mouth has been.  I give her props if she does. See how forgiving I can be?

I would have never entered into this LDR with the expectation of them moving here if I knew she was a mom really wanting her kids to stay close.  I am a mom too, my kids ARE my days, and I wouldn't let anyone remove my kids from my daily life.  I don't want to make my kids move and leave the life we've built here since they were babies.  I understand that is probably his desire now too.  I guess I got lost in the notion that I had a better life for him and his kids here, and assumed they were on board. The reality of them wanting to stay there, and the removal of any chance of a future move has slapped me hard.  In the face.  Without warning.

Ok, I had warning.  Back in the summer the court-appointed social worker's report proclaimed the kids should remain with their father's primary custody but they be bound the immediate county to stay near their mom and foster new relationships with her.  I plunged into depression after reading that.  I spend days trying to cope with it.  Sinatra assured me his legal team would fight for his ability to move when and where he wanted.  I clung to that.

The hope is gone and now a new future looms.  No big, happy family dinners on Sundays.  Marriage is off the table even before it was on.  I am trying to imagine how I will view this outcome in a few days, but right now I am overcome with sadness and loss.

I will work to not pity myself anymore, but recognize I am unstable right now.  Unclear as to what is next, and as usual, I'd like it to be all laid out for me so I can know what to expect.  This has always been my way, but I rarely choose the safe route in my love life, so rarely do I feel the calm and safety that love is supposed to provide.

I'm a big girl.  I will not die from this.  The Family we could have been is the loss we will mourn.  I am one of those people who realize Bad Things Happen To Good People.  Pessimist? Maybe.  Realist? Yes.  But there are worse things in life than this.  Cancer.  Accidents.  Disaster.  I will count my blessings even in my melancholy.

I am of the people who will eventually rise above the train wreck that has happened here.  Sinatra is too.  He is one of the most positive people I know.  I love him for it and he offsets my cynicism when I let the boogey-man get inside my head.  We will rise above and move on because our kids need us to.  Anything else would destroy what we have together and have been so blessed to have found.  I will find a way to forgive, accept, and forge on.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. 
Friedrich Nietzsche 

I Heart Triathlon

I heart Triathlon.

I sat on my couch watching the recap of the Kona Ironman Championships and am so proud to be in this sport. The complex mix of training for three different sports and the camaraderie of the triathlon community has given my mid-life a meaning that belongs all to me.

I am a proud Mama of two really talented and interesting girls, and I have learned I need to stay talented and interesting myself for us all to have a healthy balance with each other. Triathlon and other racing do this for us.

My one and only mud race...Chillgirl did it too and we agree- NO MORE MUD RACES!

I may never be an Ironman, but that's okay.  My Ks and other friends are racking up 70.3s (half-irons) and 140.6 (fulls) and I'm so proud to watch and cheer for them.  I was with the Ks when they did their first few sprint triathlons and I've trained and raced with them all along their journeys to their big races.  We still do sprint and olympic races together.  Our training and race-prep are our version of what other girlfriends do with shopping, or book club, or Bunko.  We yak and yak, catching up on kids, ex-husbands, boyfriends, dating, nutrition, and exercise plans.  Its priceless time to unwind and workout the body and mind.

My triathlon season is over for the year.  It goes from about April (if I'm ambitious) to September or October (if I'm still feeling it).  Its hard to believe I've been doing triathlon for SIX years.  I'm up to 24 or 25 tri or du races at this point.  You would think I'd be an expert by now, but no, this sport evolves, and as I go into new seasons and try new races, I always am learning more.

This year my big revelation was that I do not plan to aspire to larger and longer races.  After years of spring distance tris, I had it planned to spend 2012 doing olympic-length races.  I did three.  That is a lot because this length is not offered very often.  I did no Sprint-lengths until the very end, the last weekend of September.  I did it and it felt great.  The olympic races did NOT leave me feeling great.  I worried about my times and conserving energy and eating/drinking enough.  My swims were steadily improving thanks to my lessons and my cycling was the same as always (read: I kick ass and take names), but my running was all over the place.  The first olympic I did I ran/walked and felt really good with that.  The second one I ran the whole way and was thrilled.  The third I ran/walked the first 5k, but punked out and walked most of the second half.  I was irritated that as the season went on, I did not feel I was improving.

The sprint I did at the end of the season wasn't the easiest one I've done.  It was in a new venue and it was raining at the start.  But it was OVER in an hour and 42 minutes! What's to complain about there?  I was on to the free beer by the time I would've been starting the run on an olympic race!

I began with sprint distance triathlons back in 2007.  I loved them.  Fell IN love with them.  I started doing them brand-new to the sport and slowly figured out how to improve my times and train better for a multi-sport.  Then along the way I thought they were getting too easy, and I should "graduate" to a longer race.  Much like I feel about doing 5Ks as I have graduated to10Ks, 10 milers, and half-marathons.  I'm not even a runner, so why do I think I need to run longer to make it worth my while? Insane.

I know the desire to go bigger in triathlon was the influence of my tri buddies who are doing halfs and full-Irons.  I thought I must keep up with them.  Guess what? I can't.  Ooohhh, the big-bad word CAN'T.  Yeah, I said it.  Its true.

This guy looks like me too, about to fall over on the run....

No, I don't mean physically.  I CAN physically sloth through a half-Ironman.  Its not that much longer than an olympic on the swim, its double the distance on the bike, and a little more than double the run.  I've done all those distances individually many times before.  A half-Iron was my pinnacle goal before this season started.  I think I'll shelve it, but its possible it will come out again in the future.

The full-Iron? Well that's another story.  Its an unknown at this point if I physically COULD do it, but mentally I DON'T WANNA.  Twice my longest swim, 112 miles on the bike (that's just not fun), and a full-marathon, which I've never done.  Nope.

But if the olympics are not getting easier for me and yes, even though this is only the second season I've done them, I question my reasons for pushing it?  I probably will do another olympic but I will choose different ones.  No more CapTex or Austin Tri.  Same-ish downtown Austin routes, too many participants, over-priced and basically not FUN.  Waco, yes. That was fun, although the bike was cut short with a rainstorm.  Kerrville, possibly.  Marble Falls, hopefully.

If I want to continue to "heart" triathlon, I need to be smart about it.  Do what keeps you sane, builds your confidence, and gives you a self-esteem boost to keep you wanting it.  I can only train so many hours a week in this stage of my life.  To be realistic, I shouldn't even be prepared for olympic tris or half-marathons, but I'm doing both.

Out of the many hats I'm wearing these days: Mom, audiologist, board member, teacher, coach, or friend, Triathlete is all for ME, and I want to keep it that way.  Doing it for me, which makes me happy, which makes me a better whatever-hat-I'm-wearing person, which makes it all worth it.