Pity Party, Party of One

Go towards the light, Carol-Ann!.

Had a dream a few nights ago....very telling. 

Sinatra and I ended up in an underground room, hiding from something, and became stranded there, stuck underground with no way out.  A few other people we know were there as well.  I was getting super claustrophobic since we were underground with no way out.  Suddenly we heard noise outside and someone was getting to the door and getting it open.  I then realized I could see a window with light through it and we weren't as far underground as I thought.  The door was finally opened and everyone was going out but me.  Sinatra was at the threshold with his hand out saying, Come on...but I wouldn't go out of fear.  

Then I woke up.

It doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure that one out...I do feel trapped with fear of my future right now.  We, Sinatra and I and the kids, have reached the conclusion of the custody battle.  It was settled between him and his ex out of court, minutes before the mudslinging would have begun in front of an almost-retired judge.  I am not pleased with the settlement.  He let her out of all the money she owed him and reworked their possession arrangement so they kids will have plenty of time with their mom.  I thought he wanted the freedom to move with the kids, but he settled with his ex to allow her more possession than she already had, thereby cutting off all possibility of them moving here.

It has been a rough couple of days with us.

And then there's me.  I know, this situation did not happen TO ME, but it is obviously affecting my life.  The plans we talked about from the beginning where they move to my town in the summer and set up their own household and get used to new surroundings and start at new schools.  We begin to function as a family, attending the kids' activities and school-nights, and grocery shopping together.  Separate living to ease his kids into a new town, without the complication of instant step-siblings or a new step-parent right off the bat.  We would work out weekends with their mom and function smoothly as an extended family.

Eventually a merge.  Eventually a marriage.

I am mourning the loss of this plan.  What we now have leaves us with more LDR, less time I get to spend with his kids, he and I working our plans around the crazy visitation the kids now will have with their mom.  Week-on, week-off, where are they now? Can we switch that day for this day, blah, blah, blah.

Then the question goes...

How much compromise and sacrifice will he and I be able to take?  

Justice for all?

Sinatra's friends, and some of mine, ask why I won't move to him?  I have come to the conclusion that this option could be our immediate ruin.  He's claimed to be unhappy there and the ex-wife drama was there too, so why would I move closer to that?  Put myself and my girls closer to it?  Hell no. After their settlement, however, he's vowing to co-parent with her and they have agreed to be flexible on the visitation times.  Easy? Flexible? I have not known these words to describe anything with their post-divorce relationship.  I have that type of divorce with my ex, and I wish that for Sinatra too, but I'm distrustful of her motives and promises.

Staying here and doing the LDR thing is a challenge at best.  We've done it for over 2 years now but that was with the hopes of an end in sight.  That end is null and void as far as I can tell now.  His life is there, 3 hours north of here.  His kids want to be there, not here.  His ex needs to be near her kids, she fought for them and won.

All of my hopes were based in the information I was told by Sinatra from the beginning of our relationship.  His ex was a part-time mom since the divorce.  She drank and smoked and partied several times a week.  She skipped her visitation nights for the bar.  Her new husband was mean to the kids, not interested in trying to build a relationship with them.  The kids didn't like going to their house.  I believed these things.  It made sense that they would want to move here with their dad and it made sense she wouldn't mind them going.

Was he lying? No. I believe he was caught up in the mires of the fight for survival too.

This information was wrong, yes.  It was one-sided and it became more cloudy as the court proceedings droned on.  Was she fighting to keep her kids or was she fighting to prevent Sinatra from being happy?  I thought the latter, but now I'm not so sure.  Time will tell if she takes all her allotted visitation with the kids and builds healthy relationships with it.  She must now put her money where her mouth has been.  I give her props if she does. See how forgiving I can be?

I would have never entered into this LDR with the expectation of them moving here if I knew she was a mom really wanting her kids to stay close.  I am a mom too, my kids ARE my days, and I wouldn't let anyone remove my kids from my daily life.  I don't want to make my kids move and leave the life we've built here since they were babies.  I understand that is probably his desire now too.  I guess I got lost in the notion that I had a better life for him and his kids here, and assumed they were on board. The reality of them wanting to stay there, and the removal of any chance of a future move has slapped me hard.  In the face.  Without warning.

Ok, I had warning.  Back in the summer the court-appointed social worker's report proclaimed the kids should remain with their father's primary custody but they be bound the immediate county to stay near their mom and foster new relationships with her.  I plunged into depression after reading that.  I spend days trying to cope with it.  Sinatra assured me his legal team would fight for his ability to move when and where he wanted.  I clung to that.

The hope is gone and now a new future looms.  No big, happy family dinners on Sundays.  Marriage is off the table even before it was on.  I am trying to imagine how I will view this outcome in a few days, but right now I am overcome with sadness and loss.

I will work to not pity myself anymore, but recognize I am unstable right now.  Unclear as to what is next, and as usual, I'd like it to be all laid out for me so I can know what to expect.  This has always been my way, but I rarely choose the safe route in my love life, so rarely do I feel the calm and safety that love is supposed to provide.

I'm a big girl.  I will not die from this.  The Family we could have been is the loss we will mourn.  I am one of those people who realize Bad Things Happen To Good People.  Pessimist? Maybe.  Realist? Yes.  But there are worse things in life than this.  Cancer.  Accidents.  Disaster.  I will count my blessings even in my melancholy.

I am of the people who will eventually rise above the train wreck that has happened here.  Sinatra is too.  He is one of the most positive people I know.  I love him for it and he offsets my cynicism when I let the boogey-man get inside my head.  We will rise above and move on because our kids need us to.  Anything else would destroy what we have together and have been so blessed to have found.  I will find a way to forgive, accept, and forge on.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. 
Friedrich Nietzsche 

4th of July Fail

I did not see fireworks yesterday on the 4th of July. I heard them outside my home from the neighbors' contraband caches but I didn't bother going outside to see what they were popping. I feel that fireworks are for kids. I enjoy watching my kids watch them, but if I'm not with them, its not something I will watch. I was not with my kids.

Their dad was gone for almost the whole month of June and he's come back and has had them last weekend and yesterday. I can't say no when its been so long since he saw them, and he had friends in town who's daughters have grown up with my girls, so they wanted to see them as well. I also had to work the next day, so a late night out at the park would've been tough. So he got to enjoy the wonder and amazement on their faces as the fireworks flew.

The fail part was my attitude all day. I usually crave alone time when my kids are running in and out of my bedroom when I'm trying to watch my favorite show or they disappear just as I finish cooking dinner and I have to roam the neighborhood to find them. But the house was empty. My girlfriends are out of town. My boyfriend was at home with his kids, busy at their friends' house for the 4th. I was alone.

I should've gotten a good book and read, gone to bed early, colored my hair...something to enjoy the time I'd been gifted. I think with work looming the next morning, the kids having fun-time with Dad, and my Sinatra off partying it up with friends without his girlfriend, my mood grew gloomy.

Why can't I have the family around me? Why am I not helping Sinatra grill burgers or mix the baked beans? Even if my kids are with their dad I should have my boyfriend here. Living here. I don't need him but I NEED him. My partner. Without him I'm single. I am not single in theory so why am I alone? He should be here.

Two years ago when we began this crazy LDR, I would not have guessed we'd still be in love two years later but not living close by each other. I thought back then if it did not work out for us to be living in the same area, we'd go our separate ways. Our kids still have a lot of growing up to do and they've all gotten comfortable in their hometowns. Maybe its wrong to uproot kids at this age. If it wasn't going to happen, we should move on with our lives.

How foolish I was. I did not realize how deeply we all would weave each other into our lives. That I would grow to LOVE his kids and worry about them and care how they were feeling, acting, and growing. That he would become a light in my kids' lives, putting smiles on their faces and laughter in their bodies. How could I have thought if "it didn't work out" we'd leave to live our lives separately? Not a chance in hell that will happen.

Those four people are my family now even if the court system only regards me as a "collateral" in their lives. I spoke to the court's social worker and tried to express my love for them but I felt it fell flat. She hasn't met me in person and over the phone she could not have seen my love for them. I described each one of them realistically, pros and cons, but the cons were normal maternal admissions of faults on all our parts. Even so, I love them with all their flaws.

Two years now it's been. I'm not moving. Hopefully the court will allow them to come here. That is Sinatra's wish, and my kids and I are looking forward to the day they come rolling in town. There is not an alternative. That the courts may restrict where he and the kids can live is not an option I let my brain explore. I just can't.

He assured me on the phone he was so ready to get here, and doing everything he can to get him ready to go. I whined he hasn't gotten the house in realtor-show-ready condition yet, and even though he can't contact a realtor yet, he could be working on it. I boo-hooed the court dates keep getting pushed further out. He tried to sympathize and tell me he felt the same way.

I admit I didn't behave very adult-like. I wasn't very independent on Independence Day. But I got it out of my system, as I often do, and will look forward to the day when my family, all seven of us, are together for all holidays and special occasions. As it should be, and will be.