4th of July Fail

I did not see fireworks yesterday on the 4th of July. I heard them outside my home from the neighbors' contraband caches but I didn't bother going outside to see what they were popping. I feel that fireworks are for kids. I enjoy watching my kids watch them, but if I'm not with them, its not something I will watch. I was not with my kids.

Their dad was gone for almost the whole month of June and he's come back and has had them last weekend and yesterday. I can't say no when its been so long since he saw them, and he had friends in town who's daughters have grown up with my girls, so they wanted to see them as well. I also had to work the next day, so a late night out at the park would've been tough. So he got to enjoy the wonder and amazement on their faces as the fireworks flew.

The fail part was my attitude all day. I usually crave alone time when my kids are running in and out of my bedroom when I'm trying to watch my favorite show or they disappear just as I finish cooking dinner and I have to roam the neighborhood to find them. But the house was empty. My girlfriends are out of town. My boyfriend was at home with his kids, busy at their friends' house for the 4th. I was alone.

I should've gotten a good book and read, gone to bed early, colored my hair...something to enjoy the time I'd been gifted. I think with work looming the next morning, the kids having fun-time with Dad, and my Sinatra off partying it up with friends without his girlfriend, my mood grew gloomy.

Why can't I have the family around me? Why am I not helping Sinatra grill burgers or mix the baked beans? Even if my kids are with their dad I should have my boyfriend here. Living here. I don't need him but I NEED him. My partner. Without him I'm single. I am not single in theory so why am I alone? He should be here.

Two years ago when we began this crazy LDR, I would not have guessed we'd still be in love two years later but not living close by each other. I thought back then if it did not work out for us to be living in the same area, we'd go our separate ways. Our kids still have a lot of growing up to do and they've all gotten comfortable in their hometowns. Maybe its wrong to uproot kids at this age. If it wasn't going to happen, we should move on with our lives.

How foolish I was. I did not realize how deeply we all would weave each other into our lives. That I would grow to LOVE his kids and worry about them and care how they were feeling, acting, and growing. That he would become a light in my kids' lives, putting smiles on their faces and laughter in their bodies. How could I have thought if "it didn't work out" we'd leave to live our lives separately? Not a chance in hell that will happen.

Those four people are my family now even if the court system only regards me as a "collateral" in their lives. I spoke to the court's social worker and tried to express my love for them but I felt it fell flat. She hasn't met me in person and over the phone she could not have seen my love for them. I described each one of them realistically, pros and cons, but the cons were normal maternal admissions of faults on all our parts. Even so, I love them with all their flaws.

Two years now it's been. I'm not moving. Hopefully the court will allow them to come here. That is Sinatra's wish, and my kids and I are looking forward to the day they come rolling in town. There is not an alternative. That the courts may restrict where he and the kids can live is not an option I let my brain explore. I just can't.

He assured me on the phone he was so ready to get here, and doing everything he can to get him ready to go. I whined he hasn't gotten the house in realtor-show-ready condition yet, and even though he can't contact a realtor yet, he could be working on it. I boo-hooed the court dates keep getting pushed further out. He tried to sympathize and tell me he felt the same way.

I admit I didn't behave very adult-like. I wasn't very independent on Independence Day. But I got it out of my system, as I often do, and will look forward to the day when my family, all seven of us, are together for all holidays and special occasions. As it should be, and will be.