4th of July Fail

I did not see fireworks yesterday on the 4th of July. I heard them outside my home from the neighbors' contraband caches but I didn't bother going outside to see what they were popping. I feel that fireworks are for kids. I enjoy watching my kids watch them, but if I'm not with them, its not something I will watch. I was not with my kids.

Their dad was gone for almost the whole month of June and he's come back and has had them last weekend and yesterday. I can't say no when its been so long since he saw them, and he had friends in town who's daughters have grown up with my girls, so they wanted to see them as well. I also had to work the next day, so a late night out at the park would've been tough. So he got to enjoy the wonder and amazement on their faces as the fireworks flew.

The fail part was my attitude all day. I usually crave alone time when my kids are running in and out of my bedroom when I'm trying to watch my favorite show or they disappear just as I finish cooking dinner and I have to roam the neighborhood to find them. But the house was empty. My girlfriends are out of town. My boyfriend was at home with his kids, busy at their friends' house for the 4th. I was alone.

I should've gotten a good book and read, gone to bed early, colored my hair...something to enjoy the time I'd been gifted. I think with work looming the next morning, the kids having fun-time with Dad, and my Sinatra off partying it up with friends without his girlfriend, my mood grew gloomy.

Why can't I have the family around me? Why am I not helping Sinatra grill burgers or mix the baked beans? Even if my kids are with their dad I should have my boyfriend here. Living here. I don't need him but I NEED him. My partner. Without him I'm single. I am not single in theory so why am I alone? He should be here.

Two years ago when we began this crazy LDR, I would not have guessed we'd still be in love two years later but not living close by each other. I thought back then if it did not work out for us to be living in the same area, we'd go our separate ways. Our kids still have a lot of growing up to do and they've all gotten comfortable in their hometowns. Maybe its wrong to uproot kids at this age. If it wasn't going to happen, we should move on with our lives.

How foolish I was. I did not realize how deeply we all would weave each other into our lives. That I would grow to LOVE his kids and worry about them and care how they were feeling, acting, and growing. That he would become a light in my kids' lives, putting smiles on their faces and laughter in their bodies. How could I have thought if "it didn't work out" we'd leave to live our lives separately? Not a chance in hell that will happen.

Those four people are my family now even if the court system only regards me as a "collateral" in their lives. I spoke to the court's social worker and tried to express my love for them but I felt it fell flat. She hasn't met me in person and over the phone she could not have seen my love for them. I described each one of them realistically, pros and cons, but the cons were normal maternal admissions of faults on all our parts. Even so, I love them with all their flaws.

Two years now it's been. I'm not moving. Hopefully the court will allow them to come here. That is Sinatra's wish, and my kids and I are looking forward to the day they come rolling in town. There is not an alternative. That the courts may restrict where he and the kids can live is not an option I let my brain explore. I just can't.

He assured me on the phone he was so ready to get here, and doing everything he can to get him ready to go. I whined he hasn't gotten the house in realtor-show-ready condition yet, and even though he can't contact a realtor yet, he could be working on it. I boo-hooed the court dates keep getting pushed further out. He tried to sympathize and tell me he felt the same way.

I admit I didn't behave very adult-like. I wasn't very independent on Independence Day. But I got it out of my system, as I often do, and will look forward to the day when my family, all seven of us, are together for all holidays and special occasions. As it should be, and will be.

Impatience is Thy Enemy

I'm not the best at waiting. In fact, I'm pretty awful at it. I don't enjoy waiting in lines or sitting in waiting rooms past my appointment time. I make lists and enjoy nothing more than to cross off duties as I get them done. I get my list to be fully crossed off as soon as possible. If I make a list, its because I'm going to get the things on it done.

Watching others take their time makes me crazy. I realize there are folks who don't adhere to the same timeline I do, but when I am made to watch them lolly-gaggle along, I have to concentrate on not blowing steam out my ears. My kids are famous for this. I'm a multi-tasker so I can easily get three or four tasks done in one pass, like walking through the living room and throwing away a soda can, picking up dirty socks and grabbing the remote that belongs to the upstairs TV. Its all my kids can do to remember to turn off the TV when they leave the room. One button. Never mind hanging up their jacket and tossing their trash from snacktime. Too many steps gets them confused. One-track minds.

My hurry-up-and-go habits aren't necessarily good for me but in my job and my homelife they are necessary so everything gets done. Who else will do it? I've been divorced for almost 5 years and have grown pretty damn independent. Or controlling, whatever you want to call it. I do the work of 2 or more people depending on the day. When I was married it was this way anyway (hence the divorce) but now I really have to step up or the world will come to an end.

In my job, I constantly have to keep things flowing and organized because my assistant just doesn't have the attention to detail that I do. If I don't want to have to re-do it, I'll just do it myself in the first place. I file the insurance claims, I make the chart notes, I fill out repair and order forms. These are all jobs she could do, but if they are done wrong, delays and screw-ups result. I know, she will never learn if I don't let her try...uh, I've let her try, and then I just do it myself...correctly. IF I have cleaned out waste baskets at the end of the day, I'm pretty lucky I didn't have to do that myself.

At home I do my best to give chores and responsibilities to the children. Making their own beds and cleaning their rooms are a must. The dishes are hard to screw up, so unloading and loading are their jobs. Laundry? They can separate and fold but the washing cycle is mostly up to me. Don't want to have my whites turn pink or brown from one rogue sock. Only I check the pockets so I don't have a blow-out in the dryer of some note or candy left in a pocket. For that matter, I'm the only one who CARES about clean laundry apparently. Oh, correction. Lil Lady is very concerned about her clean jeans or shorts...at 7am before school, when there's no way in hell she's getting them clean if they aren't already in the dryer. Chillgirl is lucky to find matching socks so SHE definitely doesn't care.

My patience with housework and work-work is fair. I have never had the chance to lean on someone else in either place so I just do it.

In my life in general I'm a bit of a crab when something needs to be resolved and it isn't getting done in a timely fashion. Lately that has included family court cases of people in my life. Not necessarily ME, I'm not waiting for my day in court, but the frustration at watching others get put off and delayed for final decisions about major issues in their or their kids' lives is maddening. My sister has had to put her budget and relationship with her son in the court's hands and her lawyer's hands to make things right. They don't care about time. They have many other people waiting as well. We can't resolve this issue in the time allotted for today? Assign another court date in 6 weeks. Next!

My Sinatra is inching ever so slowly toward a resolution of the custody matters with his ex. She doesn't want him moving to my area and is fighting the unrestricted geographical limits in their divorce decree. A social worker is involved to ask all parties about the situation and what they want, mainly with whom the kids want to live. Court dates are set but the appointments for all these interviews are 1-3 weeks out EACH and those court dates will have to be pushed. What's available on the docket? 4 weeks away? 6 weeks? Now we are talking summertime and having interruption of summer plans and eventually school starting again.

Is it wrong to want to know if the man I love and his children will be here by August for school? We aren't moving in together, so it isn't due to me needing to move or pack or change anything logistically about my life. Its just me, wanting to see a bit into my future and know I will have my whole family (yes that means him and his) here to plan our days and weekends and activities and holidays.

It's an exciting thought but there's a mental brick wall standing in my way and all I can do is look up, but have no way of climbing it. I try to ignore it but sometimes I run straight into it and cry and scream (mentally) about the fact that things are out of my control and I am being forced to be patient. Against my will. Against my nature.

I pray. I write. I talk it out with Sinatra or my friends. Stating the obvious and my frustration about the lack of movement of other people because they have nothing invested in the advancement of the issue. If his ex wants the kids to stay close to her, she has no reason to let the courts quickly decide they can move. She's in no hurry to get her interviews or court dates done. He can't move them here with the case ongoing. So why end it?

All I can do is wait for the day I will know either way. I'm not great at it, but I have no choice other than walking away altogether. As I said, I have NO choice.