And 5 Years Goes By in a Blink...

I had to Google myself to find this old blog, and realized I haven't touched it since 2014. In 5 YEARS! Reading back to the last few posts, I am laughing to myself-- my, how things have changed.

I just turned 49. How the heck did that happen? 5 years is really a lot in middle-age. Things-a-changin'. I am still cancer-free, and back in "gen-pop" for risk-factors. No special treatment- just mammograms once a year. I guess one result is my sensitivity to estrogen, so no hormone replacement allowed for my full-on menopause that the cancer radiation and medications forced several years ago. Which means daily hot-flashes and stubborn weight gain, no matter how many times I work out each week or eat healthy. I am still struggling with finding a formula that will get these extra 8-10 pounds off. All my tricks in the past (see old blog posts) are NOT working. Beyond frustrated!

This is not me. But the sentiment is.

Aches and pains: something ALWAYS hurts. Possibly due to the aforementioned 8-10 lbs, I realize, but I see a chiropractor weekly, stretch, roll, massage, Biofreeze, etc, etc, etc....its a dance with my body. Wake up to a numb hand. Stand up and my knee pops. Lean over and my back tweaks. WTAF? My very disabled mother says my constant working-out is breaking my body. As opposed her her complete lack of movement and lost muscle tone forcing her to no life beyond her couch? Ummm, no thanks, Mom, I'll keep doing me. Camp Gladiator 3-4 times a week, dog walks and bike rides. I'm no slouch.

At 49, I also have restless-life-syndrome. Too young to retire, but have been working for waaaay too long. I have friends in their late fifties, and sixties, who have partially retired or retired. That's the Goal. I'm not working until I can't enjoy retirement. Last year, in my 24th year at my company, I finally came up with a job description I've wanted for a while, and took it to my boss. It has taken over half a year to come to fruition, but I've just started working partially from home, and partially in my old office and other offices who need my help for staff training. I'm part of "Corporate" as they say. My company is small, so the corporate group is small. I have been looked to for several years for administration help, and my many years doing my job gave me the natural ability to answer those questions and provide the help, but I wasn't recognized as that next level until now. Still full-time, but more freedom to set my days up the way I want, and work from anywhere. Getting out of the "box" which was my main office for 19 years is the feeling of running through a field with the sun shining down on me. I deserve this and love it. It will pacify me for a while, until I decide I want to take my hours down to part-time.

Whoo-hoo!

In the last 5 years, family has changed. "Sinatra"...aka John, and I are married. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in October. Yes, only 3 years because it has taken us all this time to find our path with the kids. In these last 5 years 3 of our 5 kids graduated from high school and moved OUT. His boys live together in an apartment and work at the same company, and my "Lil Lady", aka Cam, is a college Junior! The boys decided against college when they realized they didn't want to be students anymore, and thankfully they didn't waste too much of our money before deciding this. They both took almost a year after high school to wander aimlessly, working hardly, before gaining employment in a ground-level position at a computer company. They make decent money for young adults, and can mostly take care of themselves. Saving the college money means when one of their cars breaks down, John can spend the extra cash they don't have, and we still come out on top.  We call that #winning.

My girl Cam has been on the Dean's List for 3 of the 4 semesters she's been in college. It's truly a wonder after reading the last post I wrote here , where I complained about her lack of give-a-shit every day of her high school sophomore year. She had a rough patch through her junior year of high school, where she ended up leaving her large public high school and changing to a very small charter school.  There she worked on her 4 core classes at her own pace, without AP status, without electives, just a goal to finish HS with a diploma. Soon after the switch, she went through a hospital stay to treat a serious blood clot that formed in her leg (at age 17!), and had to make up a bunch of school that she missed. But she still finished all her requirements before spring break of her senior year, and graduated in the top 3rd of her class in 2016.

By this point she had been accepted to Texas State University- not a small school, but one an hour from home, and suddenly she was going to orientation with 3 roommates she'd never met before.  She was blossoming into an unafraid and motivated kid, and I held my breath as she moved out and into her dorm.  The first semester was a few weeks of OhShit with the studying and the figuring out what professors want. And basically realizing college professors have the material for you to learn, but won't hold your hand to get the grade. She ended up that first semester with a 3.1 GPA, and I was thrilled. Her roommates, which are now her friends, all pushed each other and became great study-buddies, and she was Dean's list by end of freshman year.  And now she's a junior and starting her College of Education classes to become a teacher. She was born for this.

My other pride is "Chillgirl" aka Jo, who is now soon to be a high school junior. She was a baby middle schooler at my last post, where she still listened to her mama and behaved silly without worry of what others think. Now, at 16, she's the typical teen- secretive and moody, but at the core, still my chill girl, with only rare flare-ups of attitude and yelling matches like I had so many times with her sister. She's still the passive-aggressive one, closing her bedroom door, or putting in her airPods when she wants to be left alone. We still have good conversation when its just me and her driving to/from volleyball tournaments or games from high school. She knows she can recount her playtime or team dynamics with me, and say anything to vent her frustrations or amaze at her good performance. I'm her cheerleader and sounding board. She's making some big decisions in the next year about college and about volleyball, so grades and school requirements are a big topic right now. What college fits her desires? Will she be able to play volleyball? Recruiting is a huge thing with this age-group and when I'm with the volleyball parents, its almost all we talk about. The kids feel the pressure. She's unclear on going to the school she likes, or going to a school to play.

HS Volleyball HOCO- Living the Dream

Right now her summer is filled with her school volleyball athletic training, her club indoor volleyball practices to be ready for Nationals in July, and her club beach volleyball practices to also be ready for Nationals, again in July. She lays in her bed between these practices watching YouTube in a vegetative state, so there isn't much time for heart-to-hearts with Mom. I take what I can get.

Our Babies

My step-daughter Mak is also an almost-junior, and living in north TX still heavily involved in her competitive cheer club and HS cheer, as well as running around with her driving friends until she gets her license finally next month. The last of the kids to get a license, she's chomping at the bit. John and her are car-shopping for something like my girls have- reliable but sensible. It will be great to have all the kids driving themselves around. Our insurance bill is the only downside of this.

John and I are the executive managers of these five young persons, navigating them through their new grown-up adventures such as travel on their own, apartment leasing, and oil changes. The older three take care of their medical needs by themselves since we can no longer talk for them at over-18. The two younger girls have only a year really to decide their next plan before the world-wind of their senior years in high school. How fast will these two years fly? 

My dear husband and I travel with friends, with the kids, without the kids, and even by ourselves when possible. He flies his own Cessna so we can take off for short trips without much notice. We make some of the volleyball tournament destinations a mini-vacay, but enjoy the us-only wine country or beach trips too. Ski trips are short, but sweet. We are lucky to have friends who live by the slopes, so we get to visit while we ski. Our wedding was on Lake Tahoe, literally on a boat in the lake, and the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to, truly. We will plan a summer/fall trip back to Tahoe to go out on a boat tour again to commemorate our 5 year anniversary, if we don't go before that to ski.

We are allowing ourselves some special experiences, because we've earned it. John's main work provides us all the health insurance and stable paychecks, and mine pays the bills too.  Our side mobile canning business keeps him busy and we are creating our nest egg for later. He still travels to north TX every other week as we've always done. The thing I worried in the beginning would be our undoing, has become our savior. Its our norm, and the break from each other on those days apart have given us time to regroup, get the mundane tasks done, and remain independent, while creating excitement when we are back together. We have great friends at home and in travel destinations, so we always find ways to relax and laugh. It turned out how it was meant to be.

Beautiful Wedding on Beautiful Lake Tahoe

At almost-50, we think about how to finish our lives, since what we have done up until now has created what we have. To me, the hard work is lessening, and finding the time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labor is what we strive for each day. Watching our kids do the hard work is rewarding too. Grandkids some day, more travel, cherishing our family and friends while we have them. We are sure not to miss a thing.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

As I mentioned recently our household is a-changing...but it is also still the same.  It is still fiesty ole' me, the single Mom, and my two busy girls plugging away, each day much the same as the last.

I wish something like this still worked at our house...hmmm, wait, I don't see 
yelling on the list so this is not for us

Each week begins with a flurry of obligations and much the same routine that always includes work/school, volleyball, religious education, more volleyball, my training for triathlons, and more volleyball.  The girls are growing up, but they are still my same daughters.

Did I mention volleyball?

I expect Chillgirl will be in my bed come morning even though I refuse to let her start there.  To be honest, even though I discourage this behavior, I've been known to reach over to check if she's there in the wee hours of the morning, and wonder in puzzlement if she's not.  Before school, she takes several prompts to get up out of my cozy bed (she's not allowed to be cozy if I had to get up already!!!) and go get dressed.  One new change with her is she finally cares what she's wearing, and often changes her mind a few times before deciding on the same shorts she wore two days ago and one of five tshirts she rotates out religiously.  With a dresser FULL of cute shirts, pants, and shorts, she doesn't stray too far from her favorites.  Hair in a ponytail, brush teeth, and she's downstairs for breakfast.

Shopping is my LIFE!!

I expect Lil Lady to be a total teenager.  To NOT hear her own alarm and be still fast asleep when I open her door at the last possible minute she has before she's really late for the bus.  She must be yelled at repeatedly to get up before she misses it.  I tell her each night when she's still wandering around "getting ready" at 11pm that she will be sorry in the morning...and I'm always right, she is.  One change for her is her lack of interest in breakfast.  She was always the good little cereal-eater, maybe with a bit of fruit or a yogurt.  Now she takes so long to do her makeup and hair, I'm lucky to throw a waffle at her as she rushes out to the bus stop.  I constantly preach to her the benefits of a good breakfast for brain and body function, but at this age, make-up and cute shoes take precedence.


Changes have come about in my relationship with Sinatra as well.  We have fallen into our own routine in our post-legal-war lives.  His two youngest go with their mom every other week and his oldest stays with him full-time, unless Sinatra comes here to stay with me, and he then goes to his mom's or comes here with Dad.  That, and the not-so-rigid schedule me and my ex keep, means Sinatra and I have very few weekends where somebody's kids aren't hanging around.

Picture Perfect Santa Fe

So we plan our travels to get away from them it all.  This year we only got one itty-bitty ski trip in to New Mexico, sans kids, and with great friends (who had their kids).  We made the most of our time-off together, but often mentioned how much the kids would've loved it.

The kids weren't all in agreement on a ski trip for Spring Break so rather than spend that exorbitant amount of money and hear whining, we planned a short stay-cation in a nearby wine and hill country town.  We had a country house out in the sticks and the kids ran wild around the place, and Sinatra and I got to visit a few of the wineries.  Win-Win.

Hours of Monopoly...actually it was called Wineopoly

Another change Sinatra and I have made has been one of ATTITUDE.  Mine, mostly.  For all my relief from the divorce modification being over, I let negativity creep up on me and I started questioning what were we DOING? Living apart? Indefinitely? Why? Who does that?  I didn't sign up for this initially.  I wasn't asked my opinion on it when it was decided.

I blamed Sinatra for deciding with his ex what he could live with, but not considering what I could live with.  His ex cried her little fake tears and made promises (ones she has yet to keep) and got her way.  He is the nice one, the soft-heart, and she knew it, and she played him.  It pissed me off on so many levels.

I moped around and behaved horribly but when Sinatra finally had enough of my antics, we had a conversation about my anger and sullenness with him.  His answer? What else can I do here?  This situation is going as well as it can.  I am trying.

Are we going to keep doing this every few months?

Whoa.

Way to man-up and tell me like it IS.  He was right.  It IS what it IS.  You love me, or you leave me.  Pick.

Soon.

Now.

Something clicked after that.  In me, mostly.  I think he's known all along what he needed  to do.  His decision wasn't about me and him.  It wasn't about his ex.  It was about his kids.  They needed a decision. Nobody else in the situation was going to make it.  He had to.

Those three kids knew the turmoil going on in each of their parents and between their parents.  Mom was not going to be the bigger person and allow Sinatra anything he was asking for, so he had to be the compromiser.  I got caught up in what I lost in the deal, but now I finally understood we both lost, but the kids won.

I let go of my anger for the most part.  To Hell with their mom-- she may think she won, but she didn't either.  Yes, the kids are still living in town, but her one-big-happy-family fantasy will never happen again, and she knows it when she's ever being totally honest with herself.

Sinatra and me? We win, even though we lost.  We are sacrificing our time together to allow all five of our kids grow up in the homes they all have known since toddlerhood or earlier, the schools they know, around the friends they've grown up with, and with both parents nearby.  I was not willing to uproot my girls from all we know, and I know he really didn't want to either, no matter what he said.

Cookin' up grub for the childrens

Its OK.  I've changed my mind about what is my big-happy-family.  We have two homes.  We are a "WE".  His kids come to me and ask me things and tell me things and genuinely like to be around me.  They want to ride in my car or stay at my house, even without their dad.  My kids feel the same about Sinatra.  We are all so comfortable around each other, the weekends at home together or trips we take big or small, are full of laughter and play and yes, sometimes anger, but no one is afraid it will all fall apart.

I'm not.  Not anymore.  It's only going to strengthen and become more real.  We have new driver's licenses,  and new cars, and sports competitions, and high school graduations, and colleges to look forward to together.

Once our nests are empty?  It will be our time.

I pick LOVE. 

Peace and Love

Second Time's a Charm...or an Unanswered Prayer?

As a 40-Something Woman of the World (ha!) I often wonder how I will live out my golden years.  I know I will be a traveler.  I want to plan excursions with my girlfriends and my man...er...separately of course.  I know I want to retire from working full-time while I am still able to enjoy it.  But I also know I want to stay grounded with a home-base near my children and grandchildren, as long as they know Grandma isn't hanging out at home waiting for Sunday dinner.  

In the immediate future, as in the next 8 years while I still have school-aged kids, I want to keep my current job to pay the bills, but expand into other areas such as teaching, which could parlay into a late career of a professorship in academia.  I see this clearly as a way to work not for the money, but for the fulfillment of educating new minds.  

In my relationship with Sinatra, I am clear on us growing old together.  How we get there is a bit more fuzzy.  Marriage and living together full-time is not in the cards for us right now.  The custody court results were clear.  His kids need to stay in their hometown 250 miles away to share custody between Sinatra and his ex.  My pity party regarding this outcome is over.  I am able to understand that his children actually enjoy going to their mom's (as a result of her finally stepping up and structuring her life more for her kids, thanks to the court case), and they weren't thrilled to move in the middle of their schooling.  I am able to understand Sinatra gave up his ability to move but worked out other important financial details with his ex, which benefit the children.  I am at peace with it all.  

Destination Wedding? No. Tropical island vacation? Yes!

We've discussed our future, and although there isn't a wedding to plan, we may have even better options available now.  His job will need him to be here often, even so far as needing him to establish a home here.  This would give "us" all a second (third?) home for him and his kids to be here extended times, like in the summer or on Christmas or Spring Breaks.  All 7 of us in my tiny house doesn't make for an easy visit.  A house for them near mine would give them a place to come without feeling cramped, and no air mattresses or sharing bathrooms.

I recently had a conversation with my friend, one of the K's, who is another divorced gal with two kids similar ages as mine, and who is dating someone who doesn't quite fit the mold for the "Let's move in together and get married" attitude expected of us as divorced-and-dating women.  We agreed we did the fall in love/get married/have babies thing in our 20s.  Now in our 40s we have been through divorce-hell and having come out of it independent and in control, it isn't necessary for us to compromise all over again, uproot the children again, or share bank accounts again.  

Our kids ARE our lives, as they should be, and our new men can definitely step in and aide us in raising them, but ultimately we are in control and bear the responsibility to get them through childhood and on into a productive adulthood.

K and I share a lot of the same issues with our ex-husbands enjoying the part-time-parenting-after-divorce, while we slog through our weeks running our kids from schools to activities to homework to bath to bed.  And we know in our relationships with our "new" men, we aren't ready to let go of the reins.  We worked through painful divorces to attain our Single-Mom-Wonder-Woman status and wear it proudly.  

What works for another divorcee when they meet "the one" (the other "one", not the "one" they married first...ha) may not work for us.  That's OK.  We all know of second marriages that were not successful.  Now that we have ourselves back together after divorce, why would we risk starting all that over just because society thinks we should be locked-down and married?  

Society.  Our parents and their aged-friends cannot get it that we have a CHOICE.  We don't have to get married again. Especially right away.  Let the kids have us to themselves, and our mates when they are around, and their Dads when they are around.  I know for my two girls, they have gotten to see their mom do it ALL. It shows them what is possible and what a woman can handle.  

Now, I don't always like being Miss-Independent...trust me.  I whine and complain when I am leaving work after an 8-hour day and driving straight to get the kids and on to a piano lesson or volleyball practice or cheer performance without even so much as going to the bathroom.  I microwave a mean frozen meal or pizza for my kids on a late night, or even do the drive-through fast food to just be done with it.

Miss-Independent is an empowering label, but I personally was not built to do it alone.  I rely on anyone and everyone to help me out with all our activities, and I mean my own as well.  Sinatra has stepped right on up with vigor and enthusiasm to take my girls, or his kids AND my girls, where they need to be.  I have no doubt if he was here, near me, I would share all of these things with him joyfully.

I am convinced Sinatra and I will thrive in our new arrangement.  It really has dawned on me our Unanswered Prayer was just what we needed to survive our post-divorce/full-time parent 40s decade.

Maybe our 50s will be a whole new ball of wax.  I look forward to it.