Teen Tantrums in Suburbia

I have been in blog-avoidance for several months now, and realize this is not a good thing for me.  I think of blog topics all the time, but I let the thoughts go fleetingly out of my mind and ignore the urge to get on here and write about it.  Below is one that's been consuming my home life, and it's time to blog it out.

M is for "Me Mostly Mad at Mom"

My most recent conflict is the intense jealousy and claim of inequality from my teenager Lil Lady in respect to her younger sister, Chillgirl.  Lil Lady is almost 15 and thinks the world is unfair if it doesn't turn on its axis around her.  She wants to come home off the bus to a quiet and undisturbed house, and alas, Chillgirl is there with her 2 cronies from across the street, playing the Wii, watching Netflix, or laughing at Youtube videos.  In and out they go from the garage to the backyard trampoline, and Lil Lady is sick to death of it.

I do agree, I don't want the circus around me when I'm just getting home and I usually make her take the party to one of the other girls' house when I get there.  Lil Lady has a valid point on this one.  But her handling of her dissatisfaction of this issue is my biggest frustration.  She yells, she criticizes, she accuses.  She loves to tell me what I should do to rectify the situation.  So I react.  New Rule: Chillgirl and Cronies must leave our house (or just Cronies leave) when Cranky Lil Lady gets off the bus.  Like, every day. Done.

Me making this proclamation usually isn't enough for Lil Lady.  She uses her valid outrage to go ahead and tell me and Chillgirl every single thing she feels wronged about in her little high-schooler life.  I don't punish Chillgirl the same as I punish her. I constantly take Lil Lady's phone away from her, but never Chillgirl's (not true).  I don't yell at Chillgirl enough or stay mad at her as long.

Chillgirl is FOUR years younger and a very different personality than Lil Lady.  They don't fight with me the same way. They don't do things to get in trouble the same way.  Chillgirl skates by on her quiet demeanor and habit of puckering her lips for a "mama-kiss" and a hug when she's sorry for doing something.  She even cries, but pathetically, not angrily.  Chillgirl's most often offense is leaving behind a mess or forgetting to do something she's been told.  Ten-Eleven year old stuff.  I correct her, she's sorry, we move on.

Lil Lady's biggest offense is her MOUTH.  Such hateful and furious things fly out of those lips, and there's not enough mama-kisses in the world to take them back, which by the way are never offered anyway.  This child never wants to let anyone else get the last word and loves to tell me how her friends think I'm the meanest mom of them all and that she never wants people over to be around me.  Never mind that she's kind of a hermit and doesn't ask friend over because she prefers to be alone with her iphone.  And the iphone is my main way of getting her attention when I've had enough.  Gone is her lifeline,  but more terrorizing ensues when this punishment is bestowed.  She's wrong, I correct her, Holy Hell breaks loose.

We do get through it.  I send Chillgirl away to her room or outside so I can stop the spiral-down tornado of her sister, while giving her all my attention even though she claims I ignore her for Chillgirl all the time.  If she could just watch a video of herself in action, I think she'd be shocked.  She usually takes a few minutes with her head back in her iphone (which isn't taken away from her nearly as much as it should be) and then devil-child goes away, and she's back to non-crazy, normal chatty teenager.  Whew.

Happy Times

My Mom....She's No Claire Huxtable but I Love Her

Yeah, I was a princess...

I always go to the store before Mother's Day and look for a card for my mom.  The ones available are always sappy and sentimental, and are never quite right.  My mom is not sappy.  She's curt.  She's brash.  She curses.  She says whatever pops in her head, with no apologies.  She can build you up, but also can cut you down.


She has always been a homemaker.  She was a week shy of 23 when she became a Mom.  She had three years alone with my brother.  She tells me he was a handful so when I came along, I assume she was relieved.  Her first daughter.  Now she could buy girl stuff, and do girly things.  Dolls and cribs and bows and dance class and gymnastics.  A former hairdresser, she was always wanting to mess with my hair but I mostly wanted it in two ponytails.  Karma got me back and is why my beautiful blonde Chillgirl makes me put her hair in a boring old ponytail every day.

Sassy!

My mom didn't waste time getting me a sister to keep me busy.  Maybe I talked too much?  She tells me Lil Lady reminds her of me, and I know my daughter constantly challenges me.  She needed me to have a playmate, and fast.  My sister and I are 22 months apart, so I know my mom was a busy lady.  She was home with the three of us every day while my dad worked.  She always seemed pretty okay with this, although I remember times she'd go in her room and shut the door.  I use this tactic myself when feeling ganged up on.  As we got older and in school, she found part-time jobs and volunteer work out of the house.  I will assume this was to get away from us kids. I totally understand.

Most of the time I am on good terms with her.  Like I said, she isn't a mom you can always expect kisses and hugs from.  You never know what's coming out of her mouth, and I think she likes to live that way.  Her mom was the same way.  Those Italian Women hit 50 years old and decide "Fuck It" is their new mantra.

She's always got an opinion on what's going on in my life.  Now that my dad is retired, she and he live close to me and my sister, but they stay local.  They are not travelers or sightseers.  She has neighbors and church friends to be social with, but she's always willing to listen and offer advice on what I'm doing.  We talk about things going on with me and my kids.  She asks about my love life.  She actually asked Sinatra "when are you going to make an honest woman outta her?" recently.  Some of our biggest fights were over the men in my life.  She hasn't really liked me with any of them and she doesn't make any bones about telling me that.  Sinatra seems to be winning her over for the most part, but she wants him living here and apparently making an honest woman out of me.

Very coordinated...my high school dance chaperones

I have always thought she wanted more in her life, and her criticizing and snarky comments come from her own dissatisfaction.  Her and my dad do not have what anyone would call a loving marriage, they tolerate each other.  It has been that way as long as I can remember.  In their elder years, they've gotten quite nasty to each other and my sister and I hear from both of them the about their fights.  My dad takes off to have meals by himself a lot.

When I went through my divorce, she at first told me not to stay in a marriage that was unhappy or I'd end up like her.  Then when my ex and I separated, she changed her tune, telling me to make him stay away for a few weeks, but let him come back.  When I said it was really over and he wouldn't be coming back, she was really negative and worried, but I knew all her fears and regrets were HERS, not mine.  She may have wanted out of her marriage, but never could do it.  I was doing it.  She didn't know what to do with me.

Seriously, my hair in this one? But I look skinny! yay!

My mom has always been a great grandmother to my kids, letting them play in her house, in her shoes and play clothes, and cooking meals and baking sweets with them.  She's not a sports-lover, but will come to a dance or choir event for them.  She will babysit, but her limit is about 3-4 hours and then both her and my dad seem to need a break.

My mom has never seen me at a triathlon.  She doesn't even ask that often about my sport.  She doesn't get it, but she worries I'm going to hurt myself.  If she saw me do it, she would understand its not dangerous, and it's thrilling and confidence-building.  She needs some of that inspiration these days.

My mom has not been physically well in a very long time.  She has been in pain from one area or another for many, many years.  It began with abdominal surgery, I think it was an appendicitis that wasn't really a appendicitis, and kidney stones.  Later came adhesions that twist her intestines and block her digestion.  She always has had something hurting her and it takes her out of her life, and puts her in bed either crying out in pain, or heavily medicated.

Today, Nana and her grandaughters

She has been in and out of hospitals and rehab centers for the few years with foot, leg and back surgeries.  She has never been physically strong or active and her balance was off and she started to trip over curbs and even fell down some stairs.  At some point she stepped hard on one foot off a curb and damaged a tendon.  It didn't heal itself and eventually that led to a heel and Achilles's tendon surgery on her right leg.  That was weeks without walking and then rehab started to help, but she didn't continue rehabbing so it got worse again.  Every time she's been in the hospital for something she's had a complication, either with the incision or medications. She is a horrible patient and doesn't do what she's told with rehab.  This translates to constant trips back and forth to doctors, and my dad handles it all.  Not gracefully I might add, he's understandably very bitter his life has become a driver and caregiver for a very ungrateful, crabby old lady.  They are quite toxic to each other a lot of the time.

A body holds its strength in its muscles, which protect its bones, and my mom has no muscle-tone.  I've preached to her about exercising, especially in the pool where she was doing really well with after a few of the surgeries.  But once the prescription for rehab is done, and she would have to make a decision to sign up for pool-time and get herself there, she bails.  She prefers her couch and her TV, while smoking cigarettes and drinking Coke.  She thinks walking around the house is enough.  My active lifestyle is "crazy", but she's the one who's body is falling apart.

Last year it was more pain from fused vertebrae and a back surgery, I assume from all her sitting and not exercising.  Then it was arthritis in her right hip, and a hip replacement this past Fall.  Her weak physical strength caused her to fall and break the attachment of the implant, it was repaired with a 2 week stay in a rehab hospital around Christmas.   From those hospital stays she developed a staph infection that she's been in surgery twice for already in the last few months.  The hip implant has now been removed and she has a temporary implant filled with antibiotics and she is not able to rehab until this one is removed and a new one implanted.  Today she's tucked away in a nursing facility under heavy antibiotics and pains meds and is only able to move from the bed to a wheelchair.  Happy Freakin' Mother's Day.

Her attitude through all this has left everything to be desired.  She tells her rehab workers they are a pain in her ass.  They laugh at her.  She likes being the feisty one.  Her and my dad are getting downright hateful to each other, but it's mostly coming from her.  He's passive-aggressive and she's just aggressive.  I believe her frustration with losing all control of her life and body is what drives her outbursts.  She attacks my dad, my sister, or me if we aren't doing what she wants.  My sister defends my dad and the two of them get the worst of her wrath.  I try to stay neutral and talk about other things and so far during this nursing facility stay we have remained calm.

She has a long road ahead of her before she can begin to rehab and walk, or even come home.  She has to want to follow doctor's orders and change her lifestyle if she ever expects to get there.  Her body and her personality may never be back to her past normal.

I miss her at her best.  She is a funny, smart, irreverent woman, whom I love.  She is my MOM.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

As I mentioned recently our household is a-changing...but it is also still the same.  It is still fiesty ole' me, the single Mom, and my two busy girls plugging away, each day much the same as the last.

I wish something like this still worked at our house...hmmm, wait, I don't see 
yelling on the list so this is not for us

Each week begins with a flurry of obligations and much the same routine that always includes work/school, volleyball, religious education, more volleyball, my training for triathlons, and more volleyball.  The girls are growing up, but they are still my same daughters.

Did I mention volleyball?

I expect Chillgirl will be in my bed come morning even though I refuse to let her start there.  To be honest, even though I discourage this behavior, I've been known to reach over to check if she's there in the wee hours of the morning, and wonder in puzzlement if she's not.  Before school, she takes several prompts to get up out of my cozy bed (she's not allowed to be cozy if I had to get up already!!!) and go get dressed.  One new change with her is she finally cares what she's wearing, and often changes her mind a few times before deciding on the same shorts she wore two days ago and one of five tshirts she rotates out religiously.  With a dresser FULL of cute shirts, pants, and shorts, she doesn't stray too far from her favorites.  Hair in a ponytail, brush teeth, and she's downstairs for breakfast.

Shopping is my LIFE!!

I expect Lil Lady to be a total teenager.  To NOT hear her own alarm and be still fast asleep when I open her door at the last possible minute she has before she's really late for the bus.  She must be yelled at repeatedly to get up before she misses it.  I tell her each night when she's still wandering around "getting ready" at 11pm that she will be sorry in the morning...and I'm always right, she is.  One change for her is her lack of interest in breakfast.  She was always the good little cereal-eater, maybe with a bit of fruit or a yogurt.  Now she takes so long to do her makeup and hair, I'm lucky to throw a waffle at her as she rushes out to the bus stop.  I constantly preach to her the benefits of a good breakfast for brain and body function, but at this age, make-up and cute shoes take precedence.


Changes have come about in my relationship with Sinatra as well.  We have fallen into our own routine in our post-legal-war lives.  His two youngest go with their mom every other week and his oldest stays with him full-time, unless Sinatra comes here to stay with me, and he then goes to his mom's or comes here with Dad.  That, and the not-so-rigid schedule me and my ex keep, means Sinatra and I have very few weekends where somebody's kids aren't hanging around.

Picture Perfect Santa Fe

So we plan our travels to get away from them it all.  This year we only got one itty-bitty ski trip in to New Mexico, sans kids, and with great friends (who had their kids).  We made the most of our time-off together, but often mentioned how much the kids would've loved it.

The kids weren't all in agreement on a ski trip for Spring Break so rather than spend that exorbitant amount of money and hear whining, we planned a short stay-cation in a nearby wine and hill country town.  We had a country house out in the sticks and the kids ran wild around the place, and Sinatra and I got to visit a few of the wineries.  Win-Win.

Hours of Monopoly...actually it was called Wineopoly

Another change Sinatra and I have made has been one of ATTITUDE.  Mine, mostly.  For all my relief from the divorce modification being over, I let negativity creep up on me and I started questioning what were we DOING? Living apart? Indefinitely? Why? Who does that?  I didn't sign up for this initially.  I wasn't asked my opinion on it when it was decided.

I blamed Sinatra for deciding with his ex what he could live with, but not considering what I could live with.  His ex cried her little fake tears and made promises (ones she has yet to keep) and got her way.  He is the nice one, the soft-heart, and she knew it, and she played him.  It pissed me off on so many levels.

I moped around and behaved horribly but when Sinatra finally had enough of my antics, we had a conversation about my anger and sullenness with him.  His answer? What else can I do here?  This situation is going as well as it can.  I am trying.

Are we going to keep doing this every few months?

Whoa.

Way to man-up and tell me like it IS.  He was right.  It IS what it IS.  You love me, or you leave me.  Pick.

Soon.

Now.

Something clicked after that.  In me, mostly.  I think he's known all along what he needed  to do.  His decision wasn't about me and him.  It wasn't about his ex.  It was about his kids.  They needed a decision. Nobody else in the situation was going to make it.  He had to.

Those three kids knew the turmoil going on in each of their parents and between their parents.  Mom was not going to be the bigger person and allow Sinatra anything he was asking for, so he had to be the compromiser.  I got caught up in what I lost in the deal, but now I finally understood we both lost, but the kids won.

I let go of my anger for the most part.  To Hell with their mom-- she may think she won, but she didn't either.  Yes, the kids are still living in town, but her one-big-happy-family fantasy will never happen again, and she knows it when she's ever being totally honest with herself.

Sinatra and me? We win, even though we lost.  We are sacrificing our time together to allow all five of our kids grow up in the homes they all have known since toddlerhood or earlier, the schools they know, around the friends they've grown up with, and with both parents nearby.  I was not willing to uproot my girls from all we know, and I know he really didn't want to either, no matter what he said.

Cookin' up grub for the childrens

Its OK.  I've changed my mind about what is my big-happy-family.  We have two homes.  We are a "WE".  His kids come to me and ask me things and tell me things and genuinely like to be around me.  They want to ride in my car or stay at my house, even without their dad.  My kids feel the same about Sinatra.  We are all so comfortable around each other, the weekends at home together or trips we take big or small, are full of laughter and play and yes, sometimes anger, but no one is afraid it will all fall apart.

I'm not.  Not anymore.  It's only going to strengthen and become more real.  We have new driver's licenses,  and new cars, and sports competitions, and high school graduations, and colleges to look forward to together.

Once our nests are empty?  It will be our time.

I pick LOVE. 

Peace and Love

The Walking Spenders Need a New Year Resolution

Is it over yet?

This holidays are supposed to be devoted to family gatherings and parties and shopping in crowded malls, right?  Then why do I feel like a zombie pushing my cart through HEB or walking from BFE in the mall parking lot?  For the past few weeks, I've felt like boarding myself up in the house and waiting until it all blows over and Spring Break has arrived.


I  did some of my Christmas shopping early, as I do every year when all the stores start to lay out giftboxes and play Christmas music.  I get in the mood like everyone else a week or so before Thanksgiving, and the emails with free shipping and exclusive offers and fairydust start popping up in my inbox.  I get some of it done because my girls have birthdays in November and December and its imperative that I get those out of the way early so I can concentrate on actual Christmas shopping.  The gift deluge before the gift deluge.  Its insane.

At least I don't do the Black Friday Invasion, mainly because I work that day every year, but also because people are generally stupid when a coupon or sale ad is screaming at them they MUST buy, like right now.  As if there won't be another sale in the coming weeks.  Waiting in lines wrapped around the store for another TV for the house, or a video game their kid will die without.  Save on the sale price but buy three times as much. Seriously. Not. Smart.

Zombies, that's what they look like waiting in those lines and wandering around the malls this time of year....or sitting in their cars in the extra-traffic that somehow invades our city this time of year.  I get it, Austin is cool as shit, but its time to Go Away.  We have enough Weirdos here without all the relatives of the Weirdos traipsing all over our Zilker-lighted tree and wreath-adorned Congress Avenue.

If forced to go in a mall, this is me.

The after Christmas-rush is just as bad.  Never mind that there really could be a zombie invasion some day.  I watch The Walking Dead, so it seems like the folks I see shuffling around may have already been bitten and have "made the change".  The return-lines, the giftcards you feel pressure to unload, the after-holiday "sales". It makes me want to stab myself in the head to end it all.

Its all so ridiculous.  We don't NEED anything.  I'd love to use my end of the year bonus to pay off the bills I've created all the rest of the year.  NOT to create even more bills with over-spending all in the matter of a six week time-span.  Fiscal cliff or not, we Americans, not just our President and Congressmen and women, but us regular Joes and Marys, are spending whores.

We all should be thinking of a New Year Resolution~ during the holidays, stop buying trinkets that nobody needs, and use your saved money and bonuses to pay off credit card debt.  Or better yet, pay down someone else's debt, and let them pay on yours.  Wouldn't that be better than another set of slippers?

TO: Uncle Charlie
I paid $50 toward your $697.49 VISA card balance
...dang, what have you been buying?
FROM: Your Niece

We will still buy things for ourselves, things we need and things we want, so the productivity and supply-demand will not go down.  My plan is economy-friendly.  There just won't be as much stuff for garage sales as there used to be.  Ebay may suffer.  We will have things we wanted, we had money to buy, or had a credit card without a high balance to charge.

I think its genius.

Anyone want to get started with my amazon.com VISA?

Let's get this Show on the Road!