And 5 Years Goes By in a Blink...

I had to Google myself to find this old blog, and realized I haven't touched it since 2014. In 5 YEARS! Reading back to the last few posts, I am laughing to myself-- my, how things have changed.

I just turned 49. How the heck did that happen? 5 years is really a lot in middle-age. Things-a-changin'. I am still cancer-free, and back in "gen-pop" for risk-factors. No special treatment- just mammograms once a year. I guess one result is my sensitivity to estrogen, so no hormone replacement allowed for my full-on menopause that the cancer radiation and medications forced several years ago. Which means daily hot-flashes and stubborn weight gain, no matter how many times I work out each week or eat healthy. I am still struggling with finding a formula that will get these extra 8-10 pounds off. All my tricks in the past (see old blog posts) are NOT working. Beyond frustrated!

This is not me. But the sentiment is.

Aches and pains: something ALWAYS hurts. Possibly due to the aforementioned 8-10 lbs, I realize, but I see a chiropractor weekly, stretch, roll, massage, Biofreeze, etc, etc, etc....its a dance with my body. Wake up to a numb hand. Stand up and my knee pops. Lean over and my back tweaks. WTAF? My very disabled mother says my constant working-out is breaking my body. As opposed her her complete lack of movement and lost muscle tone forcing her to no life beyond her couch? Ummm, no thanks, Mom, I'll keep doing me. Camp Gladiator 3-4 times a week, dog walks and bike rides. I'm no slouch.

At 49, I also have restless-life-syndrome. Too young to retire, but have been working for waaaay too long. I have friends in their late fifties, and sixties, who have partially retired or retired. That's the Goal. I'm not working until I can't enjoy retirement. Last year, in my 24th year at my company, I finally came up with a job description I've wanted for a while, and took it to my boss. It has taken over half a year to come to fruition, but I've just started working partially from home, and partially in my old office and other offices who need my help for staff training. I'm part of "Corporate" as they say. My company is small, so the corporate group is small. I have been looked to for several years for administration help, and my many years doing my job gave me the natural ability to answer those questions and provide the help, but I wasn't recognized as that next level until now. Still full-time, but more freedom to set my days up the way I want, and work from anywhere. Getting out of the "box" which was my main office for 19 years is the feeling of running through a field with the sun shining down on me. I deserve this and love it. It will pacify me for a while, until I decide I want to take my hours down to part-time.

Whoo-hoo!

In the last 5 years, family has changed. "Sinatra"...aka John, and I are married. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in October. Yes, only 3 years because it has taken us all this time to find our path with the kids. In these last 5 years 3 of our 5 kids graduated from high school and moved OUT. His boys live together in an apartment and work at the same company, and my "Lil Lady", aka Cam, is a college Junior! The boys decided against college when they realized they didn't want to be students anymore, and thankfully they didn't waste too much of our money before deciding this. They both took almost a year after high school to wander aimlessly, working hardly, before gaining employment in a ground-level position at a computer company. They make decent money for young adults, and can mostly take care of themselves. Saving the college money means when one of their cars breaks down, John can spend the extra cash they don't have, and we still come out on top.  We call that #winning.

My girl Cam has been on the Dean's List for 3 of the 4 semesters she's been in college. It's truly a wonder after reading the last post I wrote here , where I complained about her lack of give-a-shit every day of her high school sophomore year. She had a rough patch through her junior year of high school, where she ended up leaving her large public high school and changing to a very small charter school.  There she worked on her 4 core classes at her own pace, without AP status, without electives, just a goal to finish HS with a diploma. Soon after the switch, she went through a hospital stay to treat a serious blood clot that formed in her leg (at age 17!), and had to make up a bunch of school that she missed. But she still finished all her requirements before spring break of her senior year, and graduated in the top 3rd of her class in 2016.

By this point she had been accepted to Texas State University- not a small school, but one an hour from home, and suddenly she was going to orientation with 3 roommates she'd never met before.  She was blossoming into an unafraid and motivated kid, and I held my breath as she moved out and into her dorm.  The first semester was a few weeks of OhShit with the studying and the figuring out what professors want. And basically realizing college professors have the material for you to learn, but won't hold your hand to get the grade. She ended up that first semester with a 3.1 GPA, and I was thrilled. Her roommates, which are now her friends, all pushed each other and became great study-buddies, and she was Dean's list by end of freshman year.  And now she's a junior and starting her College of Education classes to become a teacher. She was born for this.

My other pride is "Chillgirl" aka Jo, who is now soon to be a high school junior. She was a baby middle schooler at my last post, where she still listened to her mama and behaved silly without worry of what others think. Now, at 16, she's the typical teen- secretive and moody, but at the core, still my chill girl, with only rare flare-ups of attitude and yelling matches like I had so many times with her sister. She's still the passive-aggressive one, closing her bedroom door, or putting in her airPods when she wants to be left alone. We still have good conversation when its just me and her driving to/from volleyball tournaments or games from high school. She knows she can recount her playtime or team dynamics with me, and say anything to vent her frustrations or amaze at her good performance. I'm her cheerleader and sounding board. She's making some big decisions in the next year about college and about volleyball, so grades and school requirements are a big topic right now. What college fits her desires? Will she be able to play volleyball? Recruiting is a huge thing with this age-group and when I'm with the volleyball parents, its almost all we talk about. The kids feel the pressure. She's unclear on going to the school she likes, or going to a school to play.

HS Volleyball HOCO- Living the Dream

Right now her summer is filled with her school volleyball athletic training, her club indoor volleyball practices to be ready for Nationals in July, and her club beach volleyball practices to also be ready for Nationals, again in July. She lays in her bed between these practices watching YouTube in a vegetative state, so there isn't much time for heart-to-hearts with Mom. I take what I can get.

Our Babies

My step-daughter Mak is also an almost-junior, and living in north TX still heavily involved in her competitive cheer club and HS cheer, as well as running around with her driving friends until she gets her license finally next month. The last of the kids to get a license, she's chomping at the bit. John and her are car-shopping for something like my girls have- reliable but sensible. It will be great to have all the kids driving themselves around. Our insurance bill is the only downside of this.

John and I are the executive managers of these five young persons, navigating them through their new grown-up adventures such as travel on their own, apartment leasing, and oil changes. The older three take care of their medical needs by themselves since we can no longer talk for them at over-18. The two younger girls have only a year really to decide their next plan before the world-wind of their senior years in high school. How fast will these two years fly? 

My dear husband and I travel with friends, with the kids, without the kids, and even by ourselves when possible. He flies his own Cessna so we can take off for short trips without much notice. We make some of the volleyball tournament destinations a mini-vacay, but enjoy the us-only wine country or beach trips too. Ski trips are short, but sweet. We are lucky to have friends who live by the slopes, so we get to visit while we ski. Our wedding was on Lake Tahoe, literally on a boat in the lake, and the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to, truly. We will plan a summer/fall trip back to Tahoe to go out on a boat tour again to commemorate our 5 year anniversary, if we don't go before that to ski.

We are allowing ourselves some special experiences, because we've earned it. John's main work provides us all the health insurance and stable paychecks, and mine pays the bills too.  Our side mobile canning business keeps him busy and we are creating our nest egg for later. He still travels to north TX every other week as we've always done. The thing I worried in the beginning would be our undoing, has become our savior. Its our norm, and the break from each other on those days apart have given us time to regroup, get the mundane tasks done, and remain independent, while creating excitement when we are back together. We have great friends at home and in travel destinations, so we always find ways to relax and laugh. It turned out how it was meant to be.

Beautiful Wedding on Beautiful Lake Tahoe

At almost-50, we think about how to finish our lives, since what we have done up until now has created what we have. To me, the hard work is lessening, and finding the time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labor is what we strive for each day. Watching our kids do the hard work is rewarding too. Grandkids some day, more travel, cherishing our family and friends while we have them. We are sure not to miss a thing.

Dr. Jenn's CouplesTherapy, Not Just a Time-Suck

This was Season 1's cast....wait, is that "Guard & Protect" Casey and Vienna from The Bachelor? Hot Dang, I gotta HULU that season!

Does anyone else have voyeuristic tendencies like me and watch Couples Therapy on VH-1 with Dr. Jenn?  Its similar to Dr. Drew's Rehab/Celebrity Rehab, but Dr. Jenn doesn't have that pouty red face like Dr. Drew.  I so hate him but I'm riveted to watch the train wrecks he counsels trying to get clean.  

I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV.  I am well aware that much of it is contrived, and not really "real" but then again, all the interviews I've heard with Lauren Conrad, Kim Kardashian, and the contestants from Bachelor and Survivor say the producers may give them scenarios, and direct them in how its to play out, but the reactions and words come from the "reality TV stars" themselves.  I still don't count these fools as "stars", but whatever.

Couples Therapy is marriage counseling for semi-famous people, and the 2nd season just started.  Dr. Jenn Berman is a therapist I started listening to on Cosmo Radio on XM radio each night for radio therapy for any ailment~ sex, drugs, dying, abuse, etc.  I've listened to her for years.  

Now I get to put a face with the voice and see her on VH-1 each week.  I watch this show and Dr. Drew's show to see how people deal with their lives, whether its drugs, alcohol, anorexia, or marital issues like infidelity, emotional detachment, or verbal abuse.  Almost none of these things have ever been my problems, but I am a people-person, I see and get to know new people every day in my job, and I love to find out more about what makes people tick. Plus I might learn out NOT to act when a weird situation presents itself.

Couples Therapy is particularly interesting to me right now.  I watch the couples interact as I always do around married folk.  I'm in awe of the science experiment of marriage.  How Does It Work?  I curiously watch married people talk to each other and how they fight.  How their tempers flare, and how they play victim or aggressor.  I remember my marriage and how it fell apart, and I compare my actions to those of married people I see everywhere.

I watch couples all the time in my daily life.  At work I see who is the one making the decisions, who is the concerned one, who is passive-aggressive.  Anywhere I'm standing around I watch how people treat each other.  Does the husband care for his wife and get her a pen when she needs it or just point in the direction of the pen holder?  Does she snap at him?  Do they laugh? Do they hold hands, or not touch at all?

Nik and Shayne

On the show, there are clearly problems already that brought them to Dr. Jenn.  One couple is Shayne Lamas and Nik Richie.  Shayne is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter and "won" the Bachelor in the 12th season and Nik created The Dirty, a tabloid website.  She's gorgeous and he's not much to look at but has a sexy voice and seems smooth.  They got married in Vegas 8 hours after having met and have been together for long enough to now have a baby.  She hates that he writes dirty things on his website, and he hates that she runs to the mall when she's mad and spends all his money.  


I like this couple.  They seem like they really love each other, but they barely every look directly AT each other.  I remember being so resentful most of the time I didn't want to look directly at my ex-husband, which was hard because we signed to communicate. But that caused me to just not want to communicate.  A bad marriage is full of avoiding.  Would you ever conduct any other relationship successfully without talking face-to-face?

Shayne and Nik are more real, even as they are "celebrities" (not really for any skill they have, just for throwing themselves into the public eye), and they seem to actually have something that could be fixed.  

Then Dr. Jenn jumped the shark a bit by allowing into the house Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, the couple who's been in the news because she's only 17 (and acts every bit of those 17 ridiculous years) and he's in his 50's and they "fell in love" and got married, with her redneck (no doubt) parents' consent.  

This is her serious face, usually she look like she's on X.

He was a serious actor (in the Green Mile and other good movies) but has lost everything to be with this adolescent tramp.  She acts like this is all fun and games and just another way to get her overly made-up face, fake hair extensions, and underfed tiny body (which she shows off liberally) on more TV.  These two have no chance.  She flaunts her body in public wearing stripper heals and butt-baring shorts, and he follows her around trying to stave off the oglers and would-be rapists wanting to get at her.  He wants the marriage to work, but Courtney can't even understand what marriage means, she's so clueless.  Get these jack-wagons off the show Dr. Jenn, they are ruining your credibility as a therapist.

There's several other couples on the show, some are alcoholics, or sex-aholics, and some are just jerks, but none are as interesting as the two couples above.

Anyway, back to MY reality.  I can watch all the other couples I want on TV or in my own life, but it doesn't really give me confidence in allowing myself to be legally bound to another human being again.  Remarrying terrifies me.  I got a pretty safe thing going on with me, myself, and I (and my girls).  If I want to avoid drama, I just stay home and avoid it.

I know couples who have been through infidelity, and some of those seem to be on the other side and happy again, and others are just co-existing for the kids.  I know couples who work separately, so much so they don't see each other that much.  If they make special time for each other, like meeting for a date as a couple would who are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), they can have a spark they visit regularly when they take a break from their busy lives.  

I have parents who don't like each other that much most of the time.  They have both confessed they wished they weren't "stuck" with the other.  This makes me shudder at the thought of my geriatric years in misery.  But then I also know couples who weave seamlessly together their lives, complimenting each other, as in working well together as well as giving each other compliments.  These are the golden couples.  Its rare, and probably not like that all of the time, but these couples make me believe in the possibility of marriage.

My current station in life is to make sure my kids make it through the week and rest up on the weekends.  That's really it.  I do squeeze in a swim, a run, or a ride a few times a week to keep my own sanity, but only if there's time.  My girls' activities take up so much of my time that anything more than the LDR that Sinatra and I currently employ would be difficult to maintain.  Yes, I know people do it.  I know blended families exist.  But how?  With our 5 kids running in opposite directions, and then our exes not being the most cooperative of parents so we could coordinate an "off" weekend for ourselves?  

I have doubts we could make it work right now without injuring our bond. I know that sounds distrustful of what we have.  If anything, I'm distrustful of my own faith in what we have.  He's pretty optimistic about it all.  He and I are in a holding pattern anyway for his court battle with his ex over moving here with the kids.  There isn't a chance he'd be moving here anytime soon.  

My doubts stem from our fear of throwing too much change into the basket at once.  We've both been through a divorce.  We like each other too much to force our togetherness too fast.  Respecting the huge shift in him and his kids' lives if they move here is a huge priority for me.  I don't want to put more strain on their pre-teen and teenage psyches, which have already been tested more than normal with the custody battle.

I have come to recognize I seem to choose the hard way to couplehood.  It may be something inside of me that doesn't think it should be easy, so I don't choose the easy way.  I don't think I've turned away men in my past who would've been easy to love, or easy to live with, but maybe I did.  The men I've been attracted to are always a bit quirky and interesting, and maybe its that I'm drawn to a bit of controversy.  Maybe I'd be a good Reality TV specimen.

No one could call me plain vanilla.  I may have a mundane life of going to work, dealing with the kids, feeding the dogs, and trying to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, but I try to spice up my life with adventures and new experiences.  Maybe I'm drawn to Reality TV shows because they are as crazy as I'd like to be, even for a day.