And 5 Years Goes By in a Blink...

I had to Google myself to find this old blog, and realized I haven't touched it since 2014. In 5 YEARS! Reading back to the last few posts, I am laughing to myself-- my, how things have changed.

I just turned 49. How the heck did that happen? 5 years is really a lot in middle-age. Things-a-changin'. I am still cancer-free, and back in "gen-pop" for risk-factors. No special treatment- just mammograms once a year. I guess one result is my sensitivity to estrogen, so no hormone replacement allowed for my full-on menopause that the cancer radiation and medications forced several years ago. Which means daily hot-flashes and stubborn weight gain, no matter how many times I work out each week or eat healthy. I am still struggling with finding a formula that will get these extra 8-10 pounds off. All my tricks in the past (see old blog posts) are NOT working. Beyond frustrated!

This is not me. But the sentiment is.

Aches and pains: something ALWAYS hurts. Possibly due to the aforementioned 8-10 lbs, I realize, but I see a chiropractor weekly, stretch, roll, massage, Biofreeze, etc, etc, etc....its a dance with my body. Wake up to a numb hand. Stand up and my knee pops. Lean over and my back tweaks. WTAF? My very disabled mother says my constant working-out is breaking my body. As opposed her her complete lack of movement and lost muscle tone forcing her to no life beyond her couch? Ummm, no thanks, Mom, I'll keep doing me. Camp Gladiator 3-4 times a week, dog walks and bike rides. I'm no slouch.

At 49, I also have restless-life-syndrome. Too young to retire, but have been working for waaaay too long. I have friends in their late fifties, and sixties, who have partially retired or retired. That's the Goal. I'm not working until I can't enjoy retirement. Last year, in my 24th year at my company, I finally came up with a job description I've wanted for a while, and took it to my boss. It has taken over half a year to come to fruition, but I've just started working partially from home, and partially in my old office and other offices who need my help for staff training. I'm part of "Corporate" as they say. My company is small, so the corporate group is small. I have been looked to for several years for administration help, and my many years doing my job gave me the natural ability to answer those questions and provide the help, but I wasn't recognized as that next level until now. Still full-time, but more freedom to set my days up the way I want, and work from anywhere. Getting out of the "box" which was my main office for 19 years is the feeling of running through a field with the sun shining down on me. I deserve this and love it. It will pacify me for a while, until I decide I want to take my hours down to part-time.

Whoo-hoo!

In the last 5 years, family has changed. "Sinatra"...aka John, and I are married. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in October. Yes, only 3 years because it has taken us all this time to find our path with the kids. In these last 5 years 3 of our 5 kids graduated from high school and moved OUT. His boys live together in an apartment and work at the same company, and my "Lil Lady", aka Cam, is a college Junior! The boys decided against college when they realized they didn't want to be students anymore, and thankfully they didn't waste too much of our money before deciding this. They both took almost a year after high school to wander aimlessly, working hardly, before gaining employment in a ground-level position at a computer company. They make decent money for young adults, and can mostly take care of themselves. Saving the college money means when one of their cars breaks down, John can spend the extra cash they don't have, and we still come out on top.  We call that #winning.

My girl Cam has been on the Dean's List for 3 of the 4 semesters she's been in college. It's truly a wonder after reading the last post I wrote here , where I complained about her lack of give-a-shit every day of her high school sophomore year. She had a rough patch through her junior year of high school, where she ended up leaving her large public high school and changing to a very small charter school.  There she worked on her 4 core classes at her own pace, without AP status, without electives, just a goal to finish HS with a diploma. Soon after the switch, she went through a hospital stay to treat a serious blood clot that formed in her leg (at age 17!), and had to make up a bunch of school that she missed. But she still finished all her requirements before spring break of her senior year, and graduated in the top 3rd of her class in 2016.

By this point she had been accepted to Texas State University- not a small school, but one an hour from home, and suddenly she was going to orientation with 3 roommates she'd never met before.  She was blossoming into an unafraid and motivated kid, and I held my breath as she moved out and into her dorm.  The first semester was a few weeks of OhShit with the studying and the figuring out what professors want. And basically realizing college professors have the material for you to learn, but won't hold your hand to get the grade. She ended up that first semester with a 3.1 GPA, and I was thrilled. Her roommates, which are now her friends, all pushed each other and became great study-buddies, and she was Dean's list by end of freshman year.  And now she's a junior and starting her College of Education classes to become a teacher. She was born for this.

My other pride is "Chillgirl" aka Jo, who is now soon to be a high school junior. She was a baby middle schooler at my last post, where she still listened to her mama and behaved silly without worry of what others think. Now, at 16, she's the typical teen- secretive and moody, but at the core, still my chill girl, with only rare flare-ups of attitude and yelling matches like I had so many times with her sister. She's still the passive-aggressive one, closing her bedroom door, or putting in her airPods when she wants to be left alone. We still have good conversation when its just me and her driving to/from volleyball tournaments or games from high school. She knows she can recount her playtime or team dynamics with me, and say anything to vent her frustrations or amaze at her good performance. I'm her cheerleader and sounding board. She's making some big decisions in the next year about college and about volleyball, so grades and school requirements are a big topic right now. What college fits her desires? Will she be able to play volleyball? Recruiting is a huge thing with this age-group and when I'm with the volleyball parents, its almost all we talk about. The kids feel the pressure. She's unclear on going to the school she likes, or going to a school to play.

HS Volleyball HOCO- Living the Dream

Right now her summer is filled with her school volleyball athletic training, her club indoor volleyball practices to be ready for Nationals in July, and her club beach volleyball practices to also be ready for Nationals, again in July. She lays in her bed between these practices watching YouTube in a vegetative state, so there isn't much time for heart-to-hearts with Mom. I take what I can get.

Our Babies

My step-daughter Mak is also an almost-junior, and living in north TX still heavily involved in her competitive cheer club and HS cheer, as well as running around with her driving friends until she gets her license finally next month. The last of the kids to get a license, she's chomping at the bit. John and her are car-shopping for something like my girls have- reliable but sensible. It will be great to have all the kids driving themselves around. Our insurance bill is the only downside of this.

John and I are the executive managers of these five young persons, navigating them through their new grown-up adventures such as travel on their own, apartment leasing, and oil changes. The older three take care of their medical needs by themselves since we can no longer talk for them at over-18. The two younger girls have only a year really to decide their next plan before the world-wind of their senior years in high school. How fast will these two years fly? 

My dear husband and I travel with friends, with the kids, without the kids, and even by ourselves when possible. He flies his own Cessna so we can take off for short trips without much notice. We make some of the volleyball tournament destinations a mini-vacay, but enjoy the us-only wine country or beach trips too. Ski trips are short, but sweet. We are lucky to have friends who live by the slopes, so we get to visit while we ski. Our wedding was on Lake Tahoe, literally on a boat in the lake, and the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to, truly. We will plan a summer/fall trip back to Tahoe to go out on a boat tour again to commemorate our 5 year anniversary, if we don't go before that to ski.

We are allowing ourselves some special experiences, because we've earned it. John's main work provides us all the health insurance and stable paychecks, and mine pays the bills too.  Our side mobile canning business keeps him busy and we are creating our nest egg for later. He still travels to north TX every other week as we've always done. The thing I worried in the beginning would be our undoing, has become our savior. Its our norm, and the break from each other on those days apart have given us time to regroup, get the mundane tasks done, and remain independent, while creating excitement when we are back together. We have great friends at home and in travel destinations, so we always find ways to relax and laugh. It turned out how it was meant to be.

Beautiful Wedding on Beautiful Lake Tahoe

At almost-50, we think about how to finish our lives, since what we have done up until now has created what we have. To me, the hard work is lessening, and finding the time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labor is what we strive for each day. Watching our kids do the hard work is rewarding too. Grandkids some day, more travel, cherishing our family and friends while we have them. We are sure not to miss a thing.

YOLO! Ya Only Live Once

Am I the track, or the coaster? 

YOLO. A new teenager term I learned from my almost-14 year old Lil Lady, last night. She says its from a Drake song and ALL the kids say it. She says she says it to herself when she is afraid of something but wants to do it anyway.

I'm not sure of my feelings on this philosophy~ it sounds dangerous. This is teenager-without-full-frontal-cortex-development-speak.  With age, unfortunately I have become more cautious, i.e. I'm basically am a scaredy-cat about a lot of things.

I have my moments like on my Costa trip when I dared a jump off a natural waterfall. Or skiing down the black slopes in Wyoming, Colorado, and Tahoe.  Maybe its in fake-life, on vacation, that I let down my guard and say "Wheeeee!!".  But in real-life, I'm insuring every damn thing I can think of, buying extra toilet paper, and checking the door locks every night multiple times, and worrying myself silly about where I'm falling short with my kids.

Of course a teenager has a YOLO attitude.  What the hell do they know about fear?  What do they know about ANYTHING?  I was 13 and my biggest concern was acne.  Or the name brand on my jeans.  My teenager doesn't even worry about those things.  She wakes up each day and looks into her closet for her outfit for the day, sees a plethora of choices (thanks to Mom) and carefully selects her look.  Make-up (again thanks to Mom) and hair are meticulously placed for maximum cuteness, and down she goes for breakfast.

I'm a teenager....LALALALALALA!!!

She might stress for half a second if she didn't finish a homework page, but no worries, she has an advisory class set aside for homework catching-up time.  If she fails a test, her teachers give her a "make-up test".  What is this thing?  I don't remember getting all kinds of chances for making better grades.  Oh yeah, I studied and listened and got the A on the first try.  No wonder she is totally comfortable with her Bs on her report card.  I say, You could try harder.  She says, Wow look how well I did without even trying that hard!  Ayiyi....

Do I sound bitter? I'm really not.  I remember those days.  Middle school, high school, and college were THE funnest years of my life, if you are looking in the no-stress-and-worry category.  I did those years to the fullest.  They were great.  But I have to say my life today is better.

And by better I mean crazy busy, stressful, rewarding, and full of fun kiddo moments, fun love of my life moments, and fun friends moments.  Like the dog walks I do with one or the other of my daughters (if I'm lucky both, and they talk, not fight) where we cover their day's activities or upcoming events.  Or like dinners out with Sinatra where he and I sit like Big People at the bar and order yummy concoctions before gorging ourselves on a decadent meal.  Or when I'm doing my nerd-speak about races and training with my friends over wine.  It really doesn't get better than any of that.

I am making the most of my time here.  The rough stuff I worry about is always there, but I will try to take the YOLO teenager approach and do the scary thing anyway.

Up Next-- Phase 3 of Whipping Cancer's Ass

Diagnosis- Check.

Hysteria- Check.

Surgery- Check.

'Nother Surgery- Check.

Radiation- Check!

Yep, I rang the bell!

After surgery and radiation the third part of treatment for DCIS is hormone therapy. Pills. For 5 years. They call it "insurance". Reducing my estrogen and progesterone levels since they were tested as positive receptors, meaning my levels are prone to creating cancer cells.

Well, I have some thoughts on hormone therapy changing my body. I've had these hormone levels for over 40 years and I think they have made me competitive, strong, and healthy, as in not apt to getting common illnesses (other than cancer). I was able to conceive my children without effort and recovered after their births quickly. I have a healthy mental state and don't flucuate moods very often.

Now I do admit my hormones may have snuck in some not so nice attributes too. Wicked PMS and periods in the past (but not since my second was born and I got an IUD), quick-to-anger at times (road rage anyone?), and bloating and water-retention at the even mention of salt or heat.

Hormone of choice: Tamoxifen. I'm still learning about the side effects of Tamoxifen, which is most commonly prescribed for premenopausal breast cancer patients:

Bone pain, constipation, coughing, hot flashes, muscle pain, nausea, tiredness, vaginal discharge, weight loss

Ok, the only thing in that list that I light up at is "weight loss". Awesome! But knowing my bloating tendencies, I'll gain. Yep, that will be me. I have read many patient reviews on several websites and no one mentions having lost weight, on the contrary, most have said they'd gained weight, and almost all said they were generally miserable on the meds. Headaches, leg cramps, day and night sweats were most often mentioned. Not my idea of tolerable side effects. We are talking quality of life here.

There is an increased incidence of uterine cancer with Tamoxifen. Geez Louise, that terrifies me. Reduce breast cancer recurrence, increase uterine cancer chances. How do I make that choice? This doesn't feel like insurance. Now we are talking fighting for life here.

So I keep searching. I am a believer in alternative medicine, like herbs, and in finding healthy foods that cause similar body reactions to the meds, but from the natural benefits of vegetables and fruits and beans and grains. I have been to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture in the past for knee pain, and am not afraid to go again. He prescribes little bottles of strange-smelling tablets based on your medical needs. I am not sure if trying this first wouldn't be a good idea.

I feel I need take a few weeks to get my normal energy back on track, and the extra few pounds that have crept on since radiation gone, and then I will open a new can of worms and begin whatever medication I decide to use. To protect myself for the many years of life I have left while I enjoy activities with my children and a relationship with my boyfriend and keeping up my workouts with my friends.

If my lifestyle changes so that I lose my favorite things in life, which are directly tied to my stamina and personality, then I've already lost the battle.

I realize breast cancer should change your life in some ways, but I am not convinced prescription medication is the way to go for now. I want my life back. The one I had before all of this. I'll go to the doctor check-ups and do the mammograms religiously and even watch what I eat and drink. But I need more convincing on the pharmaceutical aspect of my plan.

Dammit...I have breast cancer.

That's how I feel about it. Cancer. Dammit. I couldn't really fathom what it feels like to know you have cancer so it was easy to decide I didn't. But when my doctor called me at 6:30pm on a Wednesday and left me a message to call him back, on his private number, I knew my world was about to change.

DCIS~ Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. It's the 4th one down on the picture. Only identifiable on a mammogram as those omnious white dots, or microcalcifications. I would never have known it without the mammo screening. As far as we know right now, it's within the milk ducts and contained only there. This is good. My doc says it's "the best kind of breast cancer to have"...I know, that's a strange thing to say, right? I read that DCIS is called Stage 0 breast cancer. That's reassuring to me.

Once identified as which ducts to remove, they are excised by lumpectomy (even though there is no lump really) and radiation over a number of weeks takes care of any remnants. That could be a pain in the butt, but it reduces my risk of reoccurence from 30% without radiation to less than 15% with it. I'll take the x-ray beam at my chest for 6 weeks for those odds.

So I have a handle on what I have and how we usually treat it. I am still having tests to see if there are any other surprises. An MRI today to look at the whole chest. Hoping that shows a normal result except for the expected diagnosed area. Hormone tests should show if I need ongoing hormone therapy, which my doctor thinks I will need for the next 5 years or so. Soon the surgery will be scheduled and I can get this show on the road.

Aside from normal worries about reoccurance and pain and suffering, I'm bummed this will change my summer plans. With my girls, with my cycling and tri buddies, with my boyfriend and the beach trip we wanted to take. It's a huge unknown at this point and anyone who knows me, knows I'm not good with plans up in the air. But for once, the not-knowing is a bit more attractive than the knowing. I'm assuming I know how this will play out but Bad Luck or Karma or whatever you wanna call it may reach It's mighty hand in and yank the rug out from under me again.

I pray I will be ready, and strong enough to charge ahead, and kick this thing in its Ass.