There's a Reason He's My Ex

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” 
–Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home


Some days you might think you will die of divorce.

There are such pains to go through from the minute one partner decides "Enough is Enough", until pretty much the end of time.  You can be happily remarried, you can have no kids together, or kids all grown up, but that Ex will still pop up and cause chaos, from near or far.  

My Ex and I have two children together.  For the most part we both know our roles and there aren't that many surprises.  We are not super-strict on our visitation schedules, but this easy freedom lends itself to times when I wish we were on a rigid First, Third, and Fifth weekend standard possession regime.  

My girls live with me.  My house is their Home.  My house was also my Ex's home until about seven years ago, pre-separation.  I chose that house when we moved to our town and I paid for that house the whole time we were married.  I refinanced that house in my name only, at the point when I began to foresee the end of our marriage.  The deed was turned over to me in the divorce papers.  My house is my Home.

As he did before we were married, my Ex has moved around a lot since the divorce.  Changing roommates and apartments annually.  All of his living conditions have been acceptable to me and the girls, but they were never Home-y to them.  They were a place to stay for a few days every other week, if that.  He isn't worried about this.  He knows their Home is my house.  

My Ex has a girlfriend who lived out of town when they began dating, but now is moving her family and herself to our area and he will be living with her and them.  This will be a house, but it will be full of another family, her grown kids and their kids, as well as her school-aged child.  My girls will likely not have their own room there, so I am unclear on how their visits will go.  The girlfriend's young child is a boy of 13.  Not like they can stay in his room.  This will be worked out before my girls have a Dad-weekend.

My Lil Lady is 14.  She is not keen on picking up and hanging out at Dad's on the weekends.  Unless he has something fabulous planned she would rather stay Home.  Chillgirl is 10 and is a pretty happy kid wherever, for now.  Lil Lady doesn't protest much because she loves her Dad but she makes a point to whine to one or both of us to get back Home as soon as she can each time.  Her weekends with Dad typically are less than 48 hours.

The more frustrating part of our arrangement is he usually only sees them on those weekends, even though he lives only 15 minutes away.  He knows Mom takes care of the driving to church, to volleyball, to after-school events, to appointments and the store.  I ask for his help on school pick-ups or eye or dental appointments because I'm working 8:30am-5pm and his schedule is more free.  He manages most of these requests when nothing else is going on.  But if he's unavailable, its up to me to find the solution.  I bug my parents or my friends to help me out.  Its never his concern.  

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was. –Unknown

I'm afraid I've created this monster so much so that when he MUST be the one to take care of something important, it is very difficult for him.  Last week I needed him to pick up Chillgirl from school, wait for Lil Lady to get off the bus, take them both to Lil Lady's eye appointment 10 minutes away, then take Chillgirl to her volleyball practice 15 minutes away from there.  Oh and I had asked him to clean up his mess in my garage, where he kept a bunch of his tools after his last carpentry job was done.  

He took it upon himself to clean up not only his mess in my garage, but the whole garage.  You see, this area of my house is the ONLY part that still has anything of his in it.  He has a garage door opener still so he can access his tools and things since he can't store them in his apartments.  I have never minded that.  He told me he'd like to clear out a bunch of his old stuff and he'd have the girls help him do this while I was at work and a hair appointment after work one day. 

This adventure took him longer than he'd planned.  Although he got Chillgirl from school and Lil Lady to the eye doctor, he grabbed them both dinner and headed back to the house to finish his job.  An hour after Chillgirl's practice started she realized it, and asked him what about volleyball?  Oh shit!!  I get the phone call from her telling me she didn't go.  This was NOT an option as this practice was her team's LAST practice before a huge tournament 3 days later.  I screamed at her to get in his car and I told him to book it to the end of practice.  I seriously cursed his existence and screamed in my car driving home from that hair appointment.

ONE time I needed him to live MY life for ONE day, running around like a crazy person, and he couldn't swing it.  My guilty pleasure of getting my hair done was destroyed knowing my child was forgotten.  She hates to be late or miss a scheduled event, and she was upset.  I was upset.  He was upset.  I reamed him out via text about how he can't do the job needed for just one day, and he reamed me out since he was cleaning MY garage when he forgot.  We haven't spoken much in the last week since this happened.

There is a reason he is the Ex.  If I was still married to him and this happened, I'd have to go home to him and a horrendous fight would ensue about how I do everything for the girls and he can't manage the bare minimum.  This is how we communicated when we were married.  Me scolding him like a child and him no doubt secretly hating me, but needing me because he can't manage his own life well enough and needs my steady paycheck.

I know these complaints seem minor compared to others.  I know plenty of stories that are worse.  I have a student in my religious education class who does not make it to class when he's with his dad on his weekends, because dad couldn't be bothered taking him to church.  I have a family member who's son is disappointed constantly when dad tells him they are going to do something or he will be at his game, and plans fall through or he doesn't show up.  Or he will promise to pay him money for working with dad, and doesn't.  Dad never paid child support either so this is par for the course but the son is old enough now to start figuring this out.  

There are Moms who walk away from their family, claiming unhappiness, but then clearly continue to live as unhappy people who didn't want to be bothered with kids full-time.  Not paying child support and displaying poor behavior in front of the kids and blaming others for all the wrongs in their life.  Sad and pathetic, and definitely someone's Ex.

It takes two to destroy a marriage. –Margaret Trudeau

Two people do the damage to each other resulting in divorce.  But after its over, some of us move on and want to live the life we couldn't before and expect the same of our former partners.  This is not always a joint goal.  Whether your Ex moves on or continues to try to hold you back, post-divorce antics can be ugly.

You may have an Ex who you didn't even procreate with so there are no residual attachments, and you can still be hurt when you hear they have moved on.  Maybe they had that child you both agreed not to have, but with the next person.  Maybe they had success or finished something they never would while they were with you.  These things may not be as bad as cheating, but you feel cheated nonetheless.  Feeling used up and spit out is a shitty feeling, I don't care how happy you are post-divorce.

I don't go about my days mourning my marriage.  I rarely think of my divorce, except maybe when I see a long-term married couple of my same age, and I feel that pang of jealousy and regret, wishing I could have made it work the same way.  But I married the wrong person.  They married the right person.  Simple as that.  

I am a better, happier person in my life now.  I make better decisions.  I am nicer.  My Ex may be all these things too, in his current life.  When our lives intermingle due to the kids, our former unhappy selves come out, and we must both take a breath of relief after, thankful we aren't those people anymore.  

As long as I have my Home and my girls and my future out there waiting for me to decide, I can feel happy in my divorce. 

These are the reasons I'm someone's Ex.

What's the truth? The truth is what happened to you and him or her, over the years, and what didn't happen. The truth is what you said and didn't say, how much you tried, how you changed, and whether you were lucky. I believe in luck. I think luck plays a huge part in success. Or failure. In the end, who cares about the truth? You still end up divorced. Finally, the biggest asshole wins. Sort of. At least the biggest asshole takes home the most stuff. If you consider this winning then have at it. You're an asshole. 
–Margaret Overton, Good in a Crisis: A Memoir

Dr. Jenn's CouplesTherapy, Not Just a Time-Suck

This was Season 1's cast....wait, is that "Guard & Protect" Casey and Vienna from The Bachelor? Hot Dang, I gotta HULU that season!

Does anyone else have voyeuristic tendencies like me and watch Couples Therapy on VH-1 with Dr. Jenn?  Its similar to Dr. Drew's Rehab/Celebrity Rehab, but Dr. Jenn doesn't have that pouty red face like Dr. Drew.  I so hate him but I'm riveted to watch the train wrecks he counsels trying to get clean.  

I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV.  I am well aware that much of it is contrived, and not really "real" but then again, all the interviews I've heard with Lauren Conrad, Kim Kardashian, and the contestants from Bachelor and Survivor say the producers may give them scenarios, and direct them in how its to play out, but the reactions and words come from the "reality TV stars" themselves.  I still don't count these fools as "stars", but whatever.

Couples Therapy is marriage counseling for semi-famous people, and the 2nd season just started.  Dr. Jenn Berman is a therapist I started listening to on Cosmo Radio on XM radio each night for radio therapy for any ailment~ sex, drugs, dying, abuse, etc.  I've listened to her for years.  

Now I get to put a face with the voice and see her on VH-1 each week.  I watch this show and Dr. Drew's show to see how people deal with their lives, whether its drugs, alcohol, anorexia, or marital issues like infidelity, emotional detachment, or verbal abuse.  Almost none of these things have ever been my problems, but I am a people-person, I see and get to know new people every day in my job, and I love to find out more about what makes people tick. Plus I might learn out NOT to act when a weird situation presents itself.

Couples Therapy is particularly interesting to me right now.  I watch the couples interact as I always do around married folk.  I'm in awe of the science experiment of marriage.  How Does It Work?  I curiously watch married people talk to each other and how they fight.  How their tempers flare, and how they play victim or aggressor.  I remember my marriage and how it fell apart, and I compare my actions to those of married people I see everywhere.

I watch couples all the time in my daily life.  At work I see who is the one making the decisions, who is the concerned one, who is passive-aggressive.  Anywhere I'm standing around I watch how people treat each other.  Does the husband care for his wife and get her a pen when she needs it or just point in the direction of the pen holder?  Does she snap at him?  Do they laugh? Do they hold hands, or not touch at all?

Nik and Shayne

On the show, there are clearly problems already that brought them to Dr. Jenn.  One couple is Shayne Lamas and Nik Richie.  Shayne is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter and "won" the Bachelor in the 12th season and Nik created The Dirty, a tabloid website.  She's gorgeous and he's not much to look at but has a sexy voice and seems smooth.  They got married in Vegas 8 hours after having met and have been together for long enough to now have a baby.  She hates that he writes dirty things on his website, and he hates that she runs to the mall when she's mad and spends all his money.  


I like this couple.  They seem like they really love each other, but they barely every look directly AT each other.  I remember being so resentful most of the time I didn't want to look directly at my ex-husband, which was hard because we signed to communicate. But that caused me to just not want to communicate.  A bad marriage is full of avoiding.  Would you ever conduct any other relationship successfully without talking face-to-face?

Shayne and Nik are more real, even as they are "celebrities" (not really for any skill they have, just for throwing themselves into the public eye), and they seem to actually have something that could be fixed.  

Then Dr. Jenn jumped the shark a bit by allowing into the house Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, the couple who's been in the news because she's only 17 (and acts every bit of those 17 ridiculous years) and he's in his 50's and they "fell in love" and got married, with her redneck (no doubt) parents' consent.  

This is her serious face, usually she look like she's on X.

He was a serious actor (in the Green Mile and other good movies) but has lost everything to be with this adolescent tramp.  She acts like this is all fun and games and just another way to get her overly made-up face, fake hair extensions, and underfed tiny body (which she shows off liberally) on more TV.  These two have no chance.  She flaunts her body in public wearing stripper heals and butt-baring shorts, and he follows her around trying to stave off the oglers and would-be rapists wanting to get at her.  He wants the marriage to work, but Courtney can't even understand what marriage means, she's so clueless.  Get these jack-wagons off the show Dr. Jenn, they are ruining your credibility as a therapist.

There's several other couples on the show, some are alcoholics, or sex-aholics, and some are just jerks, but none are as interesting as the two couples above.

Anyway, back to MY reality.  I can watch all the other couples I want on TV or in my own life, but it doesn't really give me confidence in allowing myself to be legally bound to another human being again.  Remarrying terrifies me.  I got a pretty safe thing going on with me, myself, and I (and my girls).  If I want to avoid drama, I just stay home and avoid it.

I know couples who have been through infidelity, and some of those seem to be on the other side and happy again, and others are just co-existing for the kids.  I know couples who work separately, so much so they don't see each other that much.  If they make special time for each other, like meeting for a date as a couple would who are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), they can have a spark they visit regularly when they take a break from their busy lives.  

I have parents who don't like each other that much most of the time.  They have both confessed they wished they weren't "stuck" with the other.  This makes me shudder at the thought of my geriatric years in misery.  But then I also know couples who weave seamlessly together their lives, complimenting each other, as in working well together as well as giving each other compliments.  These are the golden couples.  Its rare, and probably not like that all of the time, but these couples make me believe in the possibility of marriage.

My current station in life is to make sure my kids make it through the week and rest up on the weekends.  That's really it.  I do squeeze in a swim, a run, or a ride a few times a week to keep my own sanity, but only if there's time.  My girls' activities take up so much of my time that anything more than the LDR that Sinatra and I currently employ would be difficult to maintain.  Yes, I know people do it.  I know blended families exist.  But how?  With our 5 kids running in opposite directions, and then our exes not being the most cooperative of parents so we could coordinate an "off" weekend for ourselves?  

I have doubts we could make it work right now without injuring our bond. I know that sounds distrustful of what we have.  If anything, I'm distrustful of my own faith in what we have.  He's pretty optimistic about it all.  He and I are in a holding pattern anyway for his court battle with his ex over moving here with the kids.  There isn't a chance he'd be moving here anytime soon.  

My doubts stem from our fear of throwing too much change into the basket at once.  We've both been through a divorce.  We like each other too much to force our togetherness too fast.  Respecting the huge shift in him and his kids' lives if they move here is a huge priority for me.  I don't want to put more strain on their pre-teen and teenage psyches, which have already been tested more than normal with the custody battle.

I have come to recognize I seem to choose the hard way to couplehood.  It may be something inside of me that doesn't think it should be easy, so I don't choose the easy way.  I don't think I've turned away men in my past who would've been easy to love, or easy to live with, but maybe I did.  The men I've been attracted to are always a bit quirky and interesting, and maybe its that I'm drawn to a bit of controversy.  Maybe I'd be a good Reality TV specimen.

No one could call me plain vanilla.  I may have a mundane life of going to work, dealing with the kids, feeding the dogs, and trying to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, but I try to spice up my life with adventures and new experiences.  Maybe I'm drawn to Reality TV shows because they are as crazy as I'd like to be, even for a day.  

Lessons For Them

I go work 8 hours every weekday.
For them.

I get up early in the morning to work out. For them.

I stop by the store on the way home, even when I'm tired. For them.

I struggle to find dinner creations that two girls will like. For them.

I take walks with the dogs and invite the girls to walk with us. For them.

I clean crumbs out of my bed because Chillgirl loves to curl up there and watch TV while munching on snacks. For her.

I buy electronics that they can't live without when we should probably be talking to each other more.
For them.

I discuss school projects, homework, and our crazy schedules with the girls in the car while we rush from place to place. For them.

I hide the lack of responsibility their dad displays on a regular basis so they will respect him. For them.

I referee vicious fights between the two girls so they will continue to love each other. For them.

I train with my tri buddies and take swim classes and compete in races. For them.

I chose to let a man into my life who understands children and loves mine, flaws and all. For them.

I may yell and want to run outside when frustrated with their behavior, but apologize and talk it out after my blood pressure returns to normal. For them.

I own and take care of my house and yards. For them.

I nod quietly and listen when Lil Lady starts to share her teenager drama between her and her friends.
For her.

I coach Chillgirl and have done so for Lil Lady in volleyball because I love the game and love to watch them love it too. For them.

I take adult-only vacations to unwind and act like a kid again. For them(me).

I force them to go to church lessons and Mass, so they will have a basis for their future relationships with God. For them.

I try to preserve a family attitude of "Let's stick together" so they won't feel the pain of divorce and not know how to create their own families. For them.

I explain to them that as women, they should value themselves above their men, and chose men who add to their lives, not who will become their lives. For them.

I forgive my girls when they aren't grateful or expect me to "be there" without asking if its convenient for me to do so. For them.

I recognize and appreciate that my children feel at home with me, more than anywhere else in the world, which is an indication I'm doing something right.

 For me.