2011~ A Charlie Sheen Kind of Year

A year with ups and downs, highs and lows, winning and losing. I figure a loose comparison to Charlie Sheen isn't uncalled for. I didn't have any goddesses or tiger blood but it has been a learning and growing year for me.

I have had some really good times. No, not drug-infused, but the laugh-out-loud, deep-breath-because-its-so-relaxing, tingly-all-over kind of fun. Seriously. Without drugs! Ok, a little wine or a great martini, sure.

My handsome Sinatra has been more here for me than any man in my life, even without him being physically here much of the time. I know when I finally realized how much we loved each other I was winning. I owe him for most of my UP times and deep breaths this past year.

My bestest girlfriends, Cora, K and K, my sister and a few fun others have been my rocks who sit and gab for hours about work, weight, exercise, kids, men, marriage, and anything under the sun. I'm so lucky they are 10 minutes away and we can jump on our bikes and ride the country roads, or meet with the kids for yogurt. These special ladies are willing meet anytime to share a margarita while bitching about the men in our lives (of course not you, sweetie), 'cause that's what friends are for. Hey, now that I think about it, maybe I do have some goddesses around me.

I have gotten to travel this past year twice with my group of high school friends who I haven't seen in years but fell right into the good ole days with as soon as we reconnected. Sinatra and I were so lucky to find these friends and make two different trips with them. One with all the kids and one with only the adults. Much love and laughter on both. Other trips with Sinatra and I and the kids were great bonding times for our new double-sized family. Such happy times.

I had some unlucky and scary times as well. Finding more spots on my follow-up mammogram and then the two biopsy surgeries to rid me of the cancerous cells floating around in me was paralyzing fear I'd not yet experienced before in my life. I had so many questions and dark thoughts rolling around in my head, but I kept going through my days by sheer will power and routine to not let myself wallow in it too much. I read up on what I had and my treatment, and followed message boards of other women with much worse to deal with and tried to put it all in perspective. I had cancer, and now its gone. I'm keeping that thought in the forefront until I'm told otherwise.

The only other negative drama has come in the form of people in my life who dislike me for not who I am but for what I have become to my boyfriend and his children. I love these four people and want them in my and my girls' lives. They want to be with us too. The ex and her husband suddenly in this past year are very concerned with the children living in another town and their control over them. Their lifestyle has not been one conducive to having children around on a regular basis before now, but they want to prevent the kids from living and/or moving with their father. Their father, who has happily never waivered in his devotion to them during the over two years since the marriage ended. Much time and money has been spent on this and its far from over. No concrete plans of a move are being made for this reason. I have good days and bad days on how this affects me. I am on the outside looking in but am also very involved when it comes to the arguing and ugliness causing pain to my dear man and his children. I want it all to resolve so we can move on, no matter what the outcome.

For all the bad, there really was much more good. I'm blessed to have all the people in my life and a stable family and job. I get love and support from most everyone I choose to be around. I have a solid sense of my own self that has always pulled me through adversity by working hard and loving well, and the reward is getting to enjoy it all. It doesn't have to come easy, I will do what I have to do to make it happen.

Bring on a New Year, in the wise words of Charlie Sheen, "Born ready. Winning."

Negativity Begone!

I've mentioned I have faith. I've mentioned I have two great kids and a loving boyfriend with 3 great kids. I've got a mom and dad living close by, a warm house that is all mine, and a good steady job. So why am I Worst-Case-Scenario-Sally?

I expose myself to stories on the news and stories from friends and I hear about awful things some people do to other people and I tend to assume the most negative outlook from any perplexing situation. This mood comes and goes I realize, but this time of year, or maybe its just this time of month, I'm swimming a pool of negativity.

I want to get out of the pool. I want to try to see the good possibilities that could happen and not just the bad ones. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from having my bubble burst. My goal would be to just blow up that bubble full-size and watch it fly and not worry about it popping. What if it doesn't? Great! How great would it be to ride that wave of positivity on into the sunset? It's a nice thought. Now to implement.

I have been burned before. Failed marriage for one. I remember the depths of unhappiness I felt during the end of that and I am desperate to not go through it again. Failed relationship after the marriage too. Disappointment and more sadness. But what if Sinatra is the man who will help me get through any downs as well as enjoy the ups with me? Why would I deny myself (and him) that chance? It feels more right than any other partnership I've ever had, I am sure of that.

I have to face the fact my life WILL have more unhappiness, but that having him next to me, truly WITH me, will give me strength like I have never had before to ride it out. I have pulled strength from deep within myself already to get out of those two relationships all by MYSELF. I did that. I really did that and all alone. I have been taking care of my kids and household and finances alone ever since. I have that power. I don't want my future to be me being all strong and powerful but alone. That's no fun.

Sinatra and I have gone through some hits so far. The long distance between us, the ex-wife, the 5 kids. We've been pretty great at handling everything together. He tries to protect me from some of it, but I'm annoyingly persistant and usually get him to share with me what's up. We talk it out. I still worry my negativity will start to be a turn-off, but sometimes his unwavering cheerfulness annoys me too. We are no doubt a good ying-yang couple.

I'd like to make it a resolution for 2012 to open my mind to the possibility of a postive outcome. Prayer, meditation, whatever...I need to find that. I'm not getting younger and negativity is poison for my future health. I want to grow older gracefully and have Sinatra right there holding my hand being older and graceful next to me. We deserve that chance. I'm going to give it a whirl...I bet it turns out GREAT.

Answered Prayers are Awesome

I don't usually discuss religious matters in public. I am Catholic which by definition means I'm pretty quiet about my faith. The most I ever talk about religion out loud is with my first graders whom I teach RE at my church, or if I'm yelling "Jesus is watching you!" to my own kids when they are acting like heathens.

I have a very full life with friends and family from all corners of my world. I may not be the most traveled person in the real world, but I make efforts to keep up with my loved ones no matter where they live or what they're doing. First MySpace and now Facebook have amplified this fact tenfold but I was always that classmate/family member who drives or flies off to someone's baby shower, wedding, holiday party or even funeral. Small towns like Waco, Bryan, and Baytown, or awesome big cities like Pittsburgh, San Diego and Tahoe. Just give me a reason.

I've kept up Christmas cards with people I haven't seen in person in 10-plus years. It is hard for me to STOP corresponding with people, even when its probably expected. After my divorce it was actually hard for me to not keep up with my ex-family. But even now, 5 years later, I still facebook with several of them.

I love all the people I've kept in my life and I stay invested in the events happening to them, and this leads me to worry for them. And I pray for them. I get really emotionally involved if someone is posting they are having surgery, are divorcing, have gotten ill, or have a parent die. I see others post they will keep them in their prayers. Sometimes I post the same, and sometimes I just say a silent prayer. I keep following the individual until I see they are okay. I don't often say much more because Facebook is such a public place and yes, they might have broadcast their news, but if I'm giving prayers I just do it...and don't feel the need to announce it.

Lately thankfully I have noticed some of my prayers have been been answered. I go throughout my days checking in on people and thinking about people and here lately I have noticed a few things have been better for those I've prayed for. Not grand, over-the-top, huge sucesses but still important. A sick child turns the corner and gets better despite the odds (this one WAS grand!), someone's legal issues seem to be working in their favor, a friend's job search shows new possibilities, two people find love when they had all but given up.

The power of prayer is real. It does not have to be showy or loud or all glitz and sparkles. Even tiny upsides should be thanked. They are part of a bigger picture and a grander scheme. In my little world, I will do what I can for those I care about, and prayer is one part of it.

Thank God.

Hi, I'm a Worrywort...Is It Worth It?

I worry. I know all parents and most adults worry but I need to work on how much I worry. I occupy precious brain space with worry. But no one else is around to worry about my stuff or my kid's stuff.

I have picked up some anxiety about things that I never used to think about. I blame the internet. I worry about all those horrible images we get sent in emails and on Facebook. They warn us of attackers waiting by random babyseats on the side of the road, or tell us not to smell a perfume in the Walmart parking lot. I worry I'll open an email and wipe out my whole computer. That I'll leave my cell phone charging too long and a fire will start. I gotta stop reading that crap.

Some new worries come from being older and trying to conserve my physical self so I'm not a burden on my children. Why do I care if I'm a burden on them later in their lives? They are a burden on me nearly every day (I say jokingly) so it's only fair I pay them back in full. But nonetheless, I brush my teeth twice a day AND floss and use expensive facecreams and take glucosimine chondroitin for my joints to be fluid and smooth recommended by my chiropractor. I try to eat right and keep my weight down and take my cancer hormones so I don't get cancer in the other breast. I drink tons of water and take vitamins and supplements for everthing. I'm making my kids into worryworts forcing them to worry about this same stuff, but I guess that's good for their future kids.

New worries that have begun are sort of obsessions I've developed in recent years that I can't explain. Wasteful behaviors bug me. I know I didn't grow up in the 30s or 40s where rationing was popluar but I hate to let water run in the sink too long. I harp on this everytime the kids are just playing around while brushing or doing dishes and letting the water flow. Or taking 20 minute showers as my almost 13-year old suddenly likes to do. I'm also a recycler so I hate seeing wasted recycleable plastic or cardboard just thrown out. Use the big green garbage cans people! We only have one Earth! Hehe, I know that sounds so granola-y but I worry about it.

I am cranky about leftover or wasted food as well. Buying combo meals for all three of us with giant drinks and then the fries or the drinks don't get finished. Or making a dinner and my 8-year old only eats a few bites. Ordering adult meals for my pre-teen that she can't finish but she claims she's starving if she gets a kids meal. Even throwing out half a bowl of milk when they've finished all the cereal. Drink the damn milk, it's the healthiest part of your Lucky Charms!

I know none of this is huge dollars lost but my money worries direct my behavior on the subject. I keep my checkbook balanced for the most part. I used to do the computer Quicken but got bored keeping up with it so now I just watch my checkbook weekly. I am a bit obsessed with not getting to a zero balance. I always think I'm going to run out. I never do. In fact my checkbook is usually under my actual bank balance even counting all uncleared checks and debits. I made a math mistake in there somewhere and haven't corrected it so I have a cushion. Mind games, yes, but I sleep better knowing I'm covered. My worry has pushed me to have college funds, and IRAs and savings. I'm responsible with my money because its all mine and the two other little souls depending on me. That's not a bad thing I know, but its a lot for one person to keep up with.

Oh and I also worry for those people in my life who DON'T worry. Those annoying clueless people who walk around in a fog assuming everything gets done without their help. I only have a few of these around (a couple are my kids at times) but if I didn't worry about them, no one would and that's not okay, right?

Why must I write about all my worries? Not to dump them on others, but to get them out of my head into writing so they are not so scary. I could worry MORE about the cancer coming back, or not being here for my kids someday, or my aging parents going downhill before my eyes, or my boyfriend not making the big move to be with me, but I toss up protective blocks in my head for these larger troubles to make sure I have enough time to handle all my little worries. I don't want to shut down completely for gosh's sakes. I must function.

I think I have always been this way in some respects so I can't change now. Is it good for me? Probably not. But if I can't change it then why worry about it?

Ok, NOW I feel better...

The Devil Who Lurks Among Us

Frustration running deep with me lately. Mean people still suck. Nice people around me are being manipulated and pushed around by mean people. I am watching nice people get hurt and made to feel powerless. I also am upset with the legal system which is helping to push around these nice people. Bad things are happening to good people. Its sick.

It isn't happening directly to me thank God, but these nice people are dear to me and other careless evil people who must have no faith or fear of God are relentless and trying to tear my nice-people friends down.

How do they sleep at night? What do they say to themselves as they lie in bed in the quiet dark? Good job! That'll teach her/him! I am justified in my behavior today. I am proud of myself! Nighty-night.

How do people become this way? What pain and suffering do they blame for their pitiful lives and how they are living them? They must have never been taught right from wrong, or they grew up learning that hurting others to help oneself is acceptable behavior. Did they have role models who took target practice at other weaker people around them? I imagine that at some point they said, "Fuck It" and decided they were looking out for #1, at all costs.

And these mean people I know have involved their children in their ugly lives. The kids are either disgusted by their parents' behaviors and its causing a rift, or they are learning how to be mean to people THEY know. Either way it's creating more awfulness.

You would think the mean people would eventually get what's coming to them. Karma anyone? But it seems if you learn to lie convincingly, you can convince law enforcement and the courts system to believe your lies and to mistrust the good people. The legal system lets both sides talk and whomever is the least nervous or anxious or upset probably comes across more in control and cool, and a judge can choose to believe that person, the closet asshole, over the good person who sits stunned they are in a courtroom defending their every innocent action.

Good people aren't good liars! Nice people go through life doing the best they can with what is laid before them and never have time or the idea to cover up, or cheat, or lie to get ahead. Good people believe in God or answering to a higher power. They have fear of screwing up and breaking rules and try not to do anything to hurt others. When someone accuses them of doing wrong a good person is blindsided and in shock. They don't immediately go into thinking up their excuses or legal strategies because they are still trying to figure out what went wrong.

I've lost faith in basic humanity lately watching good people be dragged down to the level of these other evil souls. I'm damn sick of it. Something good needs to happen for these people.

With all my angst, I still have faith enough to pray for the good guys. That's because I count myself as one of them.

Someone Like You...sing it Adele

I had a future I thought I wanted and it turns out it didn't want me. Now someone else is getting that future. I think she doesn't know I had it first, but then that's the great thing about starting over. A person can reinvent himself and tell only the stories to the next person that sheds him in a favorable light. Its a bit of a snowjob, but we all do it. Why would anyone tell a new love how shitty the last person thought they were?

Romeo is getting married. In a month from now. Our last personal contact was this past February at the gym, where we talked briefly and very superficially about generic stuff. Before that it had been almost a year since I'd seen him. Almost a year since we'd had any contact at all.

In that year I spent a lot of time wondering what went wrong with us. Feeling anger that he failed me. Feeling stupid that I took longer than him to get over us. I wrote then about it hitting me suddenly on our last dinner out together that he wasn't into me anymore. That was just in March of 2010. And now, a year and a half later, he's ready to MARRY someone.

To refresh anyone's memory who forgot the Romeo-and-me story, we dated for three years. In that last year it became increasingly obvious (although not fast enough) that he wasn't digging my lifestyle-- kids, dogs, suburbs, lack of wanting babies, etc. He never came out and told me this, but I was unhappy a lot of the time with his unwillingness to bend in any way toward anything in my life. I had to be the one to verbalize all the mismatches happening between us and basically walk away when he couldn't come up with a good excuse or promise to compromise. He let me shut the door, but he was all but out of it already.

I'm quite sure he's left that bit of shameful behavior out of his retelling of his "ex" story to his new fiancee. If she even knows there was an "ex" or to what extent there was one. How DO you explain you've only been broken up with your ex for a few months when you meet the love of your life? In the information I've gleaned from friends, he met her during or shortly after our last few encounters. I believe now that he told me about her in a last phone conversation and email, and painted it as if it was a very new, but exciting beginning with a great woman.

Who tells something like that to their very recently broken-up with ex girlfriend?

I labeled him "Romeo" in a sarcastic and ironic vein...he's not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to women. I now think he really believed we were "friends" by then and I would be happy at his news.

No happier then than I am now to hear that by this past February, only one year after our ski trip together, he was asking for her hand in marriage. Atop a ski slope he and I had skied together several times. Uh, yeah.

It was like he paused the video, photoshopped me OUT, and inserted her into the picture, then hit "play" again. She has a similar education level as me, similar age, similar physical features. How lucky for him that he found this specimen, and she'd never been married and had no pesky children to deal with!! What a lucky guy he is!

Hearing this news has brought back my anger. Lil bit. If he knew in ONE year she was the one he'd like to grow old with, then he knew in our first year that I was NOT. He's no spring chicken and if it felt right he probably thought he'd better jump on it, especially if he wants those perfect children he claimed he'd might like to have. He's gotta get crackin'.

But think, if he'd cut me loose earlier, he'd already have multiple OCD, anal-retentive, seen-but-not-heard little robots sitting mute in a corner by now. Tsk, tsk (or tick-tock) he shoulda thought of that.

Bitter much?

I am blessed this is not me getting engaged on a mountain and married in a church across town. Oh wait, I wouldn't be getting married in a church because I'm divorced. Whew, his sweet Catholic parents dodged a bullet there! I bet they are so happy with the new girl...what's her name again?

I am eternally grateful that I figured him out and cut him loose in time for him to meet this reportedly lovely (yet clueless) woman, and that I was able to find a REAL man who values me as a woman, a friend, AND a mother. He accepts me for what I am RIGHT NOW. Flaws and baggage and all.

No, I'm not ready to jump into marriage even though I know I have a great relationship that is just at a year old. Because I live in the real world and would like to enjoy this time where we still are learning and still are loving what we are learning about each other. I don't feel the need to latch on to a marrige certificate just yet and neither does Sinatra. So much of our lives are on the same page. I'm not trying to change my life to fit into his and although his life will be changing to be near me, he will still have his own journey to begin before we decide to merge. Merge, not marriage...but it could come.

It feels nice to not have to worry about it for now. I feel more real with him than I've ever felt with anyone. If I'd gotten my way a few years ago, nothing would be real anymore. This little bump in the road of dealing with the fact I wasn't chosen by someone who wasn't "the one" will fade away soon, and I won't be wasting any more time.

I'm in my happy place, where I belong.

Up Next-- Phase 3 of Whipping Cancer's Ass

Diagnosis- Check.

Hysteria- Check.

Surgery- Check.

'Nother Surgery- Check.

Radiation- Check!

Yep, I rang the bell!

After surgery and radiation the third part of treatment for DCIS is hormone therapy. Pills. For 5 years. They call it "insurance". Reducing my estrogen and progesterone levels since they were tested as positive receptors, meaning my levels are prone to creating cancer cells.

Well, I have some thoughts on hormone therapy changing my body. I've had these hormone levels for over 40 years and I think they have made me competitive, strong, and healthy, as in not apt to getting common illnesses (other than cancer). I was able to conceive my children without effort and recovered after their births quickly. I have a healthy mental state and don't flucuate moods very often.

Now I do admit my hormones may have snuck in some not so nice attributes too. Wicked PMS and periods in the past (but not since my second was born and I got an IUD), quick-to-anger at times (road rage anyone?), and bloating and water-retention at the even mention of salt or heat.

Hormone of choice: Tamoxifen. I'm still learning about the side effects of Tamoxifen, which is most commonly prescribed for premenopausal breast cancer patients:

Bone pain, constipation, coughing, hot flashes, muscle pain, nausea, tiredness, vaginal discharge, weight loss

Ok, the only thing in that list that I light up at is "weight loss". Awesome! But knowing my bloating tendencies, I'll gain. Yep, that will be me. I have read many patient reviews on several websites and no one mentions having lost weight, on the contrary, most have said they'd gained weight, and almost all said they were generally miserable on the meds. Headaches, leg cramps, day and night sweats were most often mentioned. Not my idea of tolerable side effects. We are talking quality of life here.

There is an increased incidence of uterine cancer with Tamoxifen. Geez Louise, that terrifies me. Reduce breast cancer recurrence, increase uterine cancer chances. How do I make that choice? This doesn't feel like insurance. Now we are talking fighting for life here.

So I keep searching. I am a believer in alternative medicine, like herbs, and in finding healthy foods that cause similar body reactions to the meds, but from the natural benefits of vegetables and fruits and beans and grains. I have been to a Chinese doctor for acupuncture in the past for knee pain, and am not afraid to go again. He prescribes little bottles of strange-smelling tablets based on your medical needs. I am not sure if trying this first wouldn't be a good idea.

I feel I need take a few weeks to get my normal energy back on track, and the extra few pounds that have crept on since radiation gone, and then I will open a new can of worms and begin whatever medication I decide to use. To protect myself for the many years of life I have left while I enjoy activities with my children and a relationship with my boyfriend and keeping up my workouts with my friends.

If my lifestyle changes so that I lose my favorite things in life, which are directly tied to my stamina and personality, then I've already lost the battle.

I realize breast cancer should change your life in some ways, but I am not convinced prescription medication is the way to go for now. I want my life back. The one I had before all of this. I'll go to the doctor check-ups and do the mammograms religiously and even watch what I eat and drink. But I need more convincing on the pharmaceutical aspect of my plan.