This Up Next: 6-Month Mammo Check

Next Friday is my first mammogram on the left side since my diagnosis and treatment. I am not overly worried something will be found. I had the surgeries, they came back clear. I had the radiation, "rads" to us insiders, and I'm on the protective hormones now for the last 5 months. I feel well insulated from the narrow possibility that there are more microcalcifications like what they found a year ago. Yes, there is a smidgen of a chance there is some area that all these treatments somehow skipped over, but I am choosing to believe chances of that are slim.

The appointment brings up discomfort in that it reminds me of and puts me back in that place and time when I was "fighting cancer". Going into the office to meet with the oncologists is an entrance back into that club. I am okay with it while I'm there. I'm so incredibly lucky that my history was a quick and easy one, but as I look around there, it is also a reminder of how badly it could've gone or what else could happen.

I will go through this follow-up check, and the next one, and the next one. I also plan to continue to do what I can to live a great life in the meantime. I will go to exciting places, laugh a lot with my family and friends, and make plans for new experiences and adventures.

Every six months I will step back into that club, and silently give thanks I am only there for a moment, no matter what happens.

Be a Victor, not a Victim

I'm a natural crabbypants. I have written of my negative streak before. It's a little cloud that hovers above me often. Its not that I'm unhappy with my life, I'm not. I completely love so many things I have. I get sappy and emotional with all the blessings I have. Two super great kids, a stable job, hobbies I love that have kept me healthy, an education no one can take away from me, a great guy, and a boatload of awesome friends. My Sinatra is the perfect ying to my yang, and luckily he usually gets me smiling with his cheerfulness when I'm feeling less than enthusiastic.

But at times my temper and my moods will wipe away all the sunshine and butterflies that may be dancing around me. I distress, I fret, I assume the worst. I can physically make myself sick with worry.

I must stop this. It will eventually negate all the lovely happy joys I do have and what a waste that would be.

Today I happened upon the new book by Joel Osteen:

He's the smiley televangelist from Houston's Lakewood Church. This "church" is nondenominational, and huge. I mean they bought the arena where as a teenager I saw Bon Jovi play-- The Summit, for their home base, but he travels all over the country spreading his positivity. I actually went to Lakewood Church years ago before it was in the Summit, when my oldest was a baby. My ex-husband's parents were members so there we were, singing and swaying in the pep rally, and Joel's dad John laid his hands on and blessed my Lil Lady when she was only 6 months old. So I've watched Joel's progress and success ever since.

Anyway, his website popped up on Facebook today and right in the nick of time I get this little quote:

Energize your life!

God has created you to be a victor, not a victim. Jumpstart your day by celebrating the very best that God has for you! These daily inspirations will help you grow in your relationship with the Lord and equip you to be everything God intends you to be.

So of course I'm an Amazon.com junkie and I bought his daily devotional book. And a few others of his older ones. The new Every Day A Friday book isn't out yet, but if I like his others, I will get it. I am happiest on Fridays, as a matter of fact.

I'm not super pious but soon this month Lent will begin for us Catholics, so I buckle down and search for ways to reflect each day during the forty-day season. I don't get to Mass very often so the few quiet minutes I have at the end of my days are devoted to thanking my lucky stars (that's God) and trying to see the not so ideal things happening to me as chances for me to be everything God wants me to be.

So the new plan is to walk into His open arms when I'm feeling low, so He can carry me in those hard times.

So I said to the Lord, "Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

I'm Juicing...in a Good Way

I was perusing through my Netflix online menu and found a documovie that looked interesting. Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. About an Aussie dude who was overweight and suffering from a skin disorder brought on by his general lack of health. He took a six month trip to the US with his Juicer machine and was going to do a juice cleanse while interviewing fat Americans about their eating and dieting habits. Crazy idea, but I was intrigued.

I'm always interested in hearing how others get fit, stay fit, or where they were before they were fit. The Biggest Loser show is a favorite, but even more are the success stories of people who do it "on their own" without Bob and Jillian and a state-of-the-art gym to work out in 7 hours a day. I never understood why the BL would give those people that cocoon of personal food instruction and a gym with no contact with the outside world, when that outside world is what helped them get over 400 pounds in the first place.

I was never in that over-200 lbs category (well, possibly with 9 months of pregnancy either time, but if I was, I didn't let the nurses tell me) but after each kid was born, I did do it "on my own" to get the baby-weight off and get back to my former athletic self.

The documentary was more informative in the beginning about how the all-juice diet was cleansing the guy's system and flushing out all the toxins he'd built up and it showed him talking to some really dumb Americans who would say things like "I gotta have my Burger King, I can't give that up", while standing there tipping the scales at over 300 pounds. He would go through his spiel about the juice and tell him what he's lost (he was shrinking throughout the movie) and they'd look at him like "uh-uh, don't you tell me I can't have my meatloaf!".

One guy he met at a truckstop in the middle of nowhere was a big dude. Divorced dad who hadn't seen his kid in a while due to his depression, health issues, and being on the road all the time driving a truck. He revealed he had the same affliction the Aussie had, which was rare. The Aussie did his thing, and the guy even tried the juice out of the juicer in the back of the guy's car, and said "Hmmm, that ain't bad". Juice-guy gave him his number and said to call him if he wanted more info on the diet. Trucker-guy was well over 400 lbs and I thought, yeah, no way.

Aussie went home after 6 months of only juicing (cuh-razy if you ask me) a much skinnier guy off his meds and feeling great. He gets a phone call from trucker-dude. He's ready. The documovie sets the trucker up in a lake house to get him walking and swimming and juicing. He does it all. All by himself. The townspeople where he was started talking to him and he was telling them the juicing benefits. He ended up doing a juicing class in a local restaurant. His weight was dropping like crazy. Juice only. By the end, he was a new man. Reconnected with his kid and was throwing the football with him and running. It was SO INSPIRING. Both men were totally transformed.

Others in the show were doing 10-day cleanses and feeling great too. I decided then and there I was getting a juicer. I did not think I needed or wanted to do a "cleanse" on juice only, but as a supplement or a meal replacement, I thought a glass full of veggie or fruit juice right from the produce itself, would be nothing but good for me. I was right.

I bought the Jack Lalanne Power Juicer. I figured if that man made it til he was almost 90 and endorsed it, it was good. It was also under $100 which was a factor. So I read up a little on what produce was good for juicing and began to buy fresh kale, cucumbers, broccoli stalks, peppers, carrots, apples, oranges and lemons. I throw it ALL in there. The apples and oranges add sweetness and keep it from being bitter. Its juice but it is filling. The pulp that shoots into a holder in the back is full of fiber and nutrients as well, so I mix that with fat free sour cream and use it as a dip, or put it in my soups, or mix it with Greek yogurt. Buying fresh produce means you have to use it before it goes bad, which forces me to continue to make juice.

The juice fills me up but I don't think I could do it in isolation. I get hungry for a little more bulk and other flavors and since I don't need to drop 50 or 100 pounds, I am choosing not to go extreme. My desire for regular food is less since I have the juice filling up space, so that's good. TMI warning, but my eliminations are smooth and easy with all the veggies and fruit cleaning out the crevices of my intestines and lubing up the pathway out. My skin is clear and I sleep soundly (but not enough hours). I am following dietal suggestions for reducing cancer occurence or reoccurence. Aside from the clean-up of the machine itself (where's ole Jack for that?), I see no downside.

I still have carbs and meat in my diet. I am an athlete and feel I need the protein and carbs for energy. I choose lean meats and low-sugar carbs when I can. I limit my sweets. But if I eat a Thin Mint for 40 calories of my allotted 1325/day, I'm perfectly good with that.

I know there are athletes who are vegan. I'm sure there's tofu options out there but I run and race for the Texas Beef Council for gosh's sake, so I don't think I'll be ditching the lean meat anytime soon. I could cut more snacky things like crackers, pretzels and chips. Lent is coming and I think it will be the kick in the pants I need to quit those three things for 40 days. Jesus would approve.

I'll never be a lean machine type of athlete. I haven't ever been that. I like my shape but want it at its best, and in another 15 pounds I know I could be faster and more fit for my races. Maybe I won't get it all off at the food consumption level I have now. I'm willing to tweak my plan. Don't know if I could maintain it either. I like to have a glass of wine while sharing a yummy dessert with my Sinatra or my girlfriends and don't see me denying myself that experience. As long as I'm living, I can live with that.

Lucy's date with her mortality

Lucy, my fearless (to the point of stupidity) canine partner in running, has had a really bad week.

We began last week with a run near a fence line in a neighborhood, just jogging along and a rogue dog pokes through a rogue hole in its white trash fence and barks at us. Lucy took it upon herself to protect her mamma from said rude dog, and bit the crap out of the nose sticking through the fence. Full-on her teeth over the dog's nose and I wasn't sure she would let go.

So I stepped in. Yes, insert groan here.

I grabbed Lucy by her shoulders, she still wasn't letting go. I got my hands on her top jaw and pried them off the dogs nose. Finally she let go but not before she caught my right hand in her teeth. Across the pinky and next two fingers, punctures. Thought they were little ones and we'd keep running but the pinky was really bleeding. Then it was really hurting. Tried to wipe the blood on the grass and felt something move. Something unnatural. It was dark so I just wrapped it up and we got the hell out of there. Got back to my car and Lucy looked fine and dandy, didn't see any other-dog parts on her, and my pinky nail was split through the middle. Still hurt like hell but I figured nothing could be done that night.

A trip to the doctor the next day for a tetanus shot and I'm told the nailbed is split and needs stitches. Eight painful lido shots in the finger later and my nail has been removed and 4 stitches are in. Thanks, Luc.

Funny thing about comeuppance...and karma. Lucy did not escape the week unscathed. When my finger felt good enough to run again in 4 days, I took my girl out again with me. Regular route near the house. Turned at a corner on the sidewalk at a point we sometimes go straight and Lucy tried to go straight, pulling a bit away from me. I laughed that she has doggie memory of a different route, and at that second a car turned that corner next to us and she was startled and jolted toward it, ready to chase. She slipped out of my grasp and took off. It wasn't going that fast but she was right next to its back tire and as fast as she went toward it she clipped it or it clipped her. That was it. She hobbled over to me with a foot dangling from the "knee" down...not good. Her turn at the doctors.

No doggie insurance so instead of a $30 copay like me, she had a slightly more expensive surgery to install a plate and screws to realign and stablize her leg. She a pathetic mess now.

I so missed her tonight on my run. I probably can run faster without her zigzagging and poop breaks, but I really miss her. She's confined to the bathroom with an elizabethean collar on (which is in no way regal, it looks like a lampshade) and is walking around in a daze. Two weeks of this and the doc will check her staples and hopefully pull them out so no more collar, but still no strenuous running, jumping or playing for 8 more weeks. That is not Lucy. We have stairs and she's used to beebopping up and down them without a thought. Now a baby-gate is keeping her downstairs.

I hope to get back my runner-girl, maybe with a bit more humility and respect for the big loud motory things that pass us by. She can still take a chunk out of a dog that comes after me though, I won't stop her again.

Breaking up is hard to do

I have a girlfriend going through a breakup with a guy she's been seeing since her divorce, about 2 years. When I met her they'd only been dating a few months and she jokingly told me he was her "boy toy", since he was younger, and she knew it wasn't going anywhere. I figured he was her rebound and understandably someone to boost her ego since her divorce was a result of her husband's infidelity. She said it was just for fun. Nothing lasting.

Here we are two years later and she and I have become pretty close along with another friend of ours. We are a great trio and do many activities together. I believe our friendship has probably helped with finally giving her the confidence to break it off with him a few months ago.

Unfortunately, he won't go away. He has berated her for her selfishness and insensitivity and called her names but then he wants her to stay with him. He does not want to change his life to accomodate hers, and resents her for even assuming he might. He's single. She has two children who live with her most of the time. They go to a private school in the suburbs. She can't move. Dude. If you are dating a single mother, you have to make some changes if you want to stay with her. He won't.

His calls and texts after the break-up were mostly late in the night (hmmm, why then?) and mostly calling her names for breaking up with him. Trying to justify his behavior and claim he's done so much for her. Really, he has not. Nothing that put him out of his comfort zone. She slowly started to realize he wasn't moving toward a future with her and her kids.

She doesn't know much about his life or friends. He would come to her when he can. If she did not have her kids, she would go to him. He rarely came to her functions or joined in her activities. Its possible she started to realize after I was with Sinatra for a while that a man should go "total immersion" into a woman's life if there is real love and a real future. She was willing to do that for him but could not get enough back.

Fine. You realize the person you are with is wrong for you and your life. I came to that realization with Romeo 2 years ago. Now what? You can pull away and hope they get the hint. Usually not. You can say what you would like to be changed and hope they agree. Um, if that was going to happen, it probably would've by now. You can stand your ground and say, Sorry Babe, I have to walk away from this because it isn't right for me. That's what you have to do. That should get you moving in the right direction even if you don't know what that direction is.

But what if the guy/girl won't let you go? I did NOT have that problem with Romeo. I said Good-bye, and he said OK. A bit too easily in my opinion, but actually that was best for me. My poor friend has this nutbag spewing nastytalk to her but then boo-hooing how much he wants her back. She wants to be wanted, as we all do. She doesn't want to be alone, as none of us do. She is gaining her strength to ward him off but it's tough for her.

What is his motivation to try to keep a woman who doesn't want to be with him? The psychology behind that has got to be disturbing. Something from his childhood, past, or innermost demons.

My other friend and I are trying to give her all the reasons to break all communication with him. Block his number. He texts and calls an insane number of times in a night, especially after midnight. No reason to put up with that. It's crazy with a capital C.

Only she can make the leap to cutting him off. Its a big step but the only one that makes sense. I am hoping she'll get there.

This time she needs to make it all about HER.

2011~ A Charlie Sheen Kind of Year

A year with ups and downs, highs and lows, winning and losing. I figure a loose comparison to Charlie Sheen isn't uncalled for. I didn't have any goddesses or tiger blood but it has been a learning and growing year for me.

I have had some really good times. No, not drug-infused, but the laugh-out-loud, deep-breath-because-its-so-relaxing, tingly-all-over kind of fun. Seriously. Without drugs! Ok, a little wine or a great martini, sure.

My handsome Sinatra has been more here for me than any man in my life, even without him being physically here much of the time. I know when I finally realized how much we loved each other I was winning. I owe him for most of my UP times and deep breaths this past year.

My bestest girlfriends, Cora, K and K, my sister and a few fun others have been my rocks who sit and gab for hours about work, weight, exercise, kids, men, marriage, and anything under the sun. I'm so lucky they are 10 minutes away and we can jump on our bikes and ride the country roads, or meet with the kids for yogurt. These special ladies are willing meet anytime to share a margarita while bitching about the men in our lives (of course not you, sweetie), 'cause that's what friends are for. Hey, now that I think about it, maybe I do have some goddesses around me.

I have gotten to travel this past year twice with my group of high school friends who I haven't seen in years but fell right into the good ole days with as soon as we reconnected. Sinatra and I were so lucky to find these friends and make two different trips with them. One with all the kids and one with only the adults. Much love and laughter on both. Other trips with Sinatra and I and the kids were great bonding times for our new double-sized family. Such happy times.

I had some unlucky and scary times as well. Finding more spots on my follow-up mammogram and then the two biopsy surgeries to rid me of the cancerous cells floating around in me was paralyzing fear I'd not yet experienced before in my life. I had so many questions and dark thoughts rolling around in my head, but I kept going through my days by sheer will power and routine to not let myself wallow in it too much. I read up on what I had and my treatment, and followed message boards of other women with much worse to deal with and tried to put it all in perspective. I had cancer, and now its gone. I'm keeping that thought in the forefront until I'm told otherwise.

The only other negative drama has come in the form of people in my life who dislike me for not who I am but for what I have become to my boyfriend and his children. I love these four people and want them in my and my girls' lives. They want to be with us too. The ex and her husband suddenly in this past year are very concerned with the children living in another town and their control over them. Their lifestyle has not been one conducive to having children around on a regular basis before now, but they want to prevent the kids from living and/or moving with their father. Their father, who has happily never waivered in his devotion to them during the over two years since the marriage ended. Much time and money has been spent on this and its far from over. No concrete plans of a move are being made for this reason. I have good days and bad days on how this affects me. I am on the outside looking in but am also very involved when it comes to the arguing and ugliness causing pain to my dear man and his children. I want it all to resolve so we can move on, no matter what the outcome.

For all the bad, there really was much more good. I'm blessed to have all the people in my life and a stable family and job. I get love and support from most everyone I choose to be around. I have a solid sense of my own self that has always pulled me through adversity by working hard and loving well, and the reward is getting to enjoy it all. It doesn't have to come easy, I will do what I have to do to make it happen.

Bring on a New Year, in the wise words of Charlie Sheen, "Born ready. Winning."

Negativity Begone!

I've mentioned I have faith. I've mentioned I have two great kids and a loving boyfriend with 3 great kids. I've got a mom and dad living close by, a warm house that is all mine, and a good steady job. So why am I Worst-Case-Scenario-Sally?

I expose myself to stories on the news and stories from friends and I hear about awful things some people do to other people and I tend to assume the most negative outlook from any perplexing situation. This mood comes and goes I realize, but this time of year, or maybe its just this time of month, I'm swimming a pool of negativity.

I want to get out of the pool. I want to try to see the good possibilities that could happen and not just the bad ones. I guess I'm trying to protect myself from having my bubble burst. My goal would be to just blow up that bubble full-size and watch it fly and not worry about it popping. What if it doesn't? Great! How great would it be to ride that wave of positivity on into the sunset? It's a nice thought. Now to implement.

I have been burned before. Failed marriage for one. I remember the depths of unhappiness I felt during the end of that and I am desperate to not go through it again. Failed relationship after the marriage too. Disappointment and more sadness. But what if Sinatra is the man who will help me get through any downs as well as enjoy the ups with me? Why would I deny myself (and him) that chance? It feels more right than any other partnership I've ever had, I am sure of that.

I have to face the fact my life WILL have more unhappiness, but that having him next to me, truly WITH me, will give me strength like I have never had before to ride it out. I have pulled strength from deep within myself already to get out of those two relationships all by MYSELF. I did that. I really did that and all alone. I have been taking care of my kids and household and finances alone ever since. I have that power. I don't want my future to be me being all strong and powerful but alone. That's no fun.

Sinatra and I have gone through some hits so far. The long distance between us, the ex-wife, the 5 kids. We've been pretty great at handling everything together. He tries to protect me from some of it, but I'm annoyingly persistant and usually get him to share with me what's up. We talk it out. I still worry my negativity will start to be a turn-off, but sometimes his unwavering cheerfulness annoys me too. We are no doubt a good ying-yang couple.

I'd like to make it a resolution for 2012 to open my mind to the possibility of a postive outcome. Prayer, meditation, whatever...I need to find that. I'm not getting younger and negativity is poison for my future health. I want to grow older gracefully and have Sinatra right there holding my hand being older and graceful next to me. We deserve that chance. I'm going to give it a whirl...I bet it turns out GREAT.