Lessons For Them

I go work 8 hours every weekday.
For them.

I get up early in the morning to work out. For them.

I stop by the store on the way home, even when I'm tired. For them.

I struggle to find dinner creations that two girls will like. For them.

I take walks with the dogs and invite the girls to walk with us. For them.

I clean crumbs out of my bed because Chillgirl loves to curl up there and watch TV while munching on snacks. For her.

I buy electronics that they can't live without when we should probably be talking to each other more.
For them.

I discuss school projects, homework, and our crazy schedules with the girls in the car while we rush from place to place. For them.

I hide the lack of responsibility their dad displays on a regular basis so they will respect him. For them.

I referee vicious fights between the two girls so they will continue to love each other. For them.

I train with my tri buddies and take swim classes and compete in races. For them.

I chose to let a man into my life who understands children and loves mine, flaws and all. For them.

I may yell and want to run outside when frustrated with their behavior, but apologize and talk it out after my blood pressure returns to normal. For them.

I own and take care of my house and yards. For them.

I nod quietly and listen when Lil Lady starts to share her teenager drama between her and her friends.
For her.

I coach Chillgirl and have done so for Lil Lady in volleyball because I love the game and love to watch them love it too. For them.

I take adult-only vacations to unwind and act like a kid again. For them(me).

I force them to go to church lessons and Mass, so they will have a basis for their future relationships with God. For them.

I try to preserve a family attitude of "Let's stick together" so they won't feel the pain of divorce and not know how to create their own families. For them.

I explain to them that as women, they should value themselves above their men, and chose men who add to their lives, not who will become their lives. For them.

I forgive my girls when they aren't grateful or expect me to "be there" without asking if its convenient for me to do so. For them.

I recognize and appreciate that my children feel at home with me, more than anywhere else in the world, which is an indication I'm doing something right.

 For me.

Why I Love (Go Apeshit) Over the Olympics

Ryan Lochte and that other guy...yummers


I LOVE THE OLYMPICS! Summer or winter, it doesn't matter. I am an athlete. I love to participate in sports and watch sports. REAL Sports with Bryant Gumbel on HBO is one of my favorite shows. I strive to learn new training and competing techniques from "real" athletes who get paid to win in their sports. So watching them compete in the Olympics is a free way to observe greatness.

Other athletes inspire and amaze me when I hear their stories. Their bodies (see the pics and drool) are incredible. From swimmers to gymnasts to soccer players to weightlifters, the physiques are flawless.

    Did I forget to mention beach volleyball? Mwah!!! Now, why do the women wear the tiny bikinis                     halfway in their butt cheeks and the men full-length surf shorts? Hmmm...

I am still in my MWF early morning swim class learning to be a more efficient swimmer. My tri this past Sunday was a 1500m swim, and I PR'd (personal record) it by about 35 seconds from my first tri of that length from last year, which was done in a wetsuit (more buoyant and easier) while last Sunday was just me and a little ole' spandex tri suit. More than 3 minutes better than my non-wetsuit 1500m this past Memorial Day. I'd say that's progress.

I closely watch the women and men swimmers. They have the BEST bodies, long torsos, long arms and feet, long fingers. They glide. The race is won UNDER the water. My coach says pulling water under is your where your speed comes from. The arms out of the water are just to get back to the glide under the water. It has made a lot of sense and I feel more fluid with my stroke now. Not sure I'll ever get much faster because my body is not long anywhere, but at least I FEEL better swimming now.

                                        I wish I could watch the whole event from this angle

I was a gynmast when I was young. I absolutely loved flying around the high bar, flipping across the floor, and balancing on the beam. I did it until I was in junior high, then I did cheer and then dance in high school. I was always back-flipping and cartwheeling as a kid. Gymnastics was my favorite sport to watch because those little girls where like me. Mary Lou Retton was a goddess to me at age 10.

                                                    I don't think I was EVER this small

I have played competitive volleyball in rec leagues. The game is one of my favorites to play and to coach. Its such a mind-game to cover your court and anticipate the opponents moves. I never played soccer, or basketball,so these sports are not interesting for me to watch. Tennis? Meh. Archery and badminton? Probably not. Cycling, while one of my favorite things to do, does not make for fascinating TV.

I will watch track & field. I run. My pace suggests I should change that word to "jog", but technically I'm running. So watching the track runners hoof it around the track, I'm awestruck. Again long, lean bodies, reaching and going faster. Lolo Jones and Usain Bolt are among these freaks of nature.

                                                                        Just. So. Fast.

So my hat's off to the athletes of these Olympic Games. They are all my heroes. I have a hook full of my amateur medals, so I can appreciate the burning desire for a heavy trinket at the end of a race, telling you you've done well. I cannot imagine what it's like to be there, under the pressure of our country and in the camera's eye, still trying to be your best. Good luck to you all.

                                                                      You go GIRL!

4th of July Fail

I did not see fireworks yesterday on the 4th of July. I heard them outside my home from the neighbors' contraband caches but I didn't bother going outside to see what they were popping. I feel that fireworks are for kids. I enjoy watching my kids watch them, but if I'm not with them, its not something I will watch. I was not with my kids.

Their dad was gone for almost the whole month of June and he's come back and has had them last weekend and yesterday. I can't say no when its been so long since he saw them, and he had friends in town who's daughters have grown up with my girls, so they wanted to see them as well. I also had to work the next day, so a late night out at the park would've been tough. So he got to enjoy the wonder and amazement on their faces as the fireworks flew.

The fail part was my attitude all day. I usually crave alone time when my kids are running in and out of my bedroom when I'm trying to watch my favorite show or they disappear just as I finish cooking dinner and I have to roam the neighborhood to find them. But the house was empty. My girlfriends are out of town. My boyfriend was at home with his kids, busy at their friends' house for the 4th. I was alone.

I should've gotten a good book and read, gone to bed early, colored my hair...something to enjoy the time I'd been gifted. I think with work looming the next morning, the kids having fun-time with Dad, and my Sinatra off partying it up with friends without his girlfriend, my mood grew gloomy.

Why can't I have the family around me? Why am I not helping Sinatra grill burgers or mix the baked beans? Even if my kids are with their dad I should have my boyfriend here. Living here. I don't need him but I NEED him. My partner. Without him I'm single. I am not single in theory so why am I alone? He should be here.

Two years ago when we began this crazy LDR, I would not have guessed we'd still be in love two years later but not living close by each other. I thought back then if it did not work out for us to be living in the same area, we'd go our separate ways. Our kids still have a lot of growing up to do and they've all gotten comfortable in their hometowns. Maybe its wrong to uproot kids at this age. If it wasn't going to happen, we should move on with our lives.

How foolish I was. I did not realize how deeply we all would weave each other into our lives. That I would grow to LOVE his kids and worry about them and care how they were feeling, acting, and growing. That he would become a light in my kids' lives, putting smiles on their faces and laughter in their bodies. How could I have thought if "it didn't work out" we'd leave to live our lives separately? Not a chance in hell that will happen.

Those four people are my family now even if the court system only regards me as a "collateral" in their lives. I spoke to the court's social worker and tried to express my love for them but I felt it fell flat. She hasn't met me in person and over the phone she could not have seen my love for them. I described each one of them realistically, pros and cons, but the cons were normal maternal admissions of faults on all our parts. Even so, I love them with all their flaws.

Two years now it's been. I'm not moving. Hopefully the court will allow them to come here. That is Sinatra's wish, and my kids and I are looking forward to the day they come rolling in town. There is not an alternative. That the courts may restrict where he and the kids can live is not an option I let my brain explore. I just can't.

He assured me on the phone he was so ready to get here, and doing everything he can to get him ready to go. I whined he hasn't gotten the house in realtor-show-ready condition yet, and even though he can't contact a realtor yet, he could be working on it. I boo-hooed the court dates keep getting pushed further out. He tried to sympathize and tell me he felt the same way.

I admit I didn't behave very adult-like. I wasn't very independent on Independence Day. But I got it out of my system, as I often do, and will look forward to the day when my family, all seven of us, are together for all holidays and special occasions. As it should be, and will be.