Lessons For Them

I go work 8 hours every weekday.
For them.

I get up early in the morning to work out. For them.

I stop by the store on the way home, even when I'm tired. For them.

I struggle to find dinner creations that two girls will like. For them.

I take walks with the dogs and invite the girls to walk with us. For them.

I clean crumbs out of my bed because Chillgirl loves to curl up there and watch TV while munching on snacks. For her.

I buy electronics that they can't live without when we should probably be talking to each other more.
For them.

I discuss school projects, homework, and our crazy schedules with the girls in the car while we rush from place to place. For them.

I hide the lack of responsibility their dad displays on a regular basis so they will respect him. For them.

I referee vicious fights between the two girls so they will continue to love each other. For them.

I train with my tri buddies and take swim classes and compete in races. For them.

I chose to let a man into my life who understands children and loves mine, flaws and all. For them.

I may yell and want to run outside when frustrated with their behavior, but apologize and talk it out after my blood pressure returns to normal. For them.

I own and take care of my house and yards. For them.

I nod quietly and listen when Lil Lady starts to share her teenager drama between her and her friends.
For her.

I coach Chillgirl and have done so for Lil Lady in volleyball because I love the game and love to watch them love it too. For them.

I take adult-only vacations to unwind and act like a kid again. For them(me).

I force them to go to church lessons and Mass, so they will have a basis for their future relationships with God. For them.

I try to preserve a family attitude of "Let's stick together" so they won't feel the pain of divorce and not know how to create their own families. For them.

I explain to them that as women, they should value themselves above their men, and chose men who add to their lives, not who will become their lives. For them.

I forgive my girls when they aren't grateful or expect me to "be there" without asking if its convenient for me to do so. For them.

I recognize and appreciate that my children feel at home with me, more than anywhere else in the world, which is an indication I'm doing something right.

 For me.

Why I Love (Go Apeshit) Over the Olympics

Ryan Lochte and that other guy...yummers


I LOVE THE OLYMPICS! Summer or winter, it doesn't matter. I am an athlete. I love to participate in sports and watch sports. REAL Sports with Bryant Gumbel on HBO is one of my favorite shows. I strive to learn new training and competing techniques from "real" athletes who get paid to win in their sports. So watching them compete in the Olympics is a free way to observe greatness.

Other athletes inspire and amaze me when I hear their stories. Their bodies (see the pics and drool) are incredible. From swimmers to gymnasts to soccer players to weightlifters, the physiques are flawless.

    Did I forget to mention beach volleyball? Mwah!!! Now, why do the women wear the tiny bikinis                     halfway in their butt cheeks and the men full-length surf shorts? Hmmm...

I am still in my MWF early morning swim class learning to be a more efficient swimmer. My tri this past Sunday was a 1500m swim, and I PR'd (personal record) it by about 35 seconds from my first tri of that length from last year, which was done in a wetsuit (more buoyant and easier) while last Sunday was just me and a little ole' spandex tri suit. More than 3 minutes better than my non-wetsuit 1500m this past Memorial Day. I'd say that's progress.

I closely watch the women and men swimmers. They have the BEST bodies, long torsos, long arms and feet, long fingers. They glide. The race is won UNDER the water. My coach says pulling water under is your where your speed comes from. The arms out of the water are just to get back to the glide under the water. It has made a lot of sense and I feel more fluid with my stroke now. Not sure I'll ever get much faster because my body is not long anywhere, but at least I FEEL better swimming now.

                                        I wish I could watch the whole event from this angle

I was a gynmast when I was young. I absolutely loved flying around the high bar, flipping across the floor, and balancing on the beam. I did it until I was in junior high, then I did cheer and then dance in high school. I was always back-flipping and cartwheeling as a kid. Gymnastics was my favorite sport to watch because those little girls where like me. Mary Lou Retton was a goddess to me at age 10.

                                                    I don't think I was EVER this small

I have played competitive volleyball in rec leagues. The game is one of my favorites to play and to coach. Its such a mind-game to cover your court and anticipate the opponents moves. I never played soccer, or basketball,so these sports are not interesting for me to watch. Tennis? Meh. Archery and badminton? Probably not. Cycling, while one of my favorite things to do, does not make for fascinating TV.

I will watch track & field. I run. My pace suggests I should change that word to "jog", but technically I'm running. So watching the track runners hoof it around the track, I'm awestruck. Again long, lean bodies, reaching and going faster. Lolo Jones and Usain Bolt are among these freaks of nature.

                                                                        Just. So. Fast.

So my hat's off to the athletes of these Olympic Games. They are all my heroes. I have a hook full of my amateur medals, so I can appreciate the burning desire for a heavy trinket at the end of a race, telling you you've done well. I cannot imagine what it's like to be there, under the pressure of our country and in the camera's eye, still trying to be your best. Good luck to you all.

                                                                      You go GIRL!

4th of July Fail

I did not see fireworks yesterday on the 4th of July. I heard them outside my home from the neighbors' contraband caches but I didn't bother going outside to see what they were popping. I feel that fireworks are for kids. I enjoy watching my kids watch them, but if I'm not with them, its not something I will watch. I was not with my kids.

Their dad was gone for almost the whole month of June and he's come back and has had them last weekend and yesterday. I can't say no when its been so long since he saw them, and he had friends in town who's daughters have grown up with my girls, so they wanted to see them as well. I also had to work the next day, so a late night out at the park would've been tough. So he got to enjoy the wonder and amazement on their faces as the fireworks flew.

The fail part was my attitude all day. I usually crave alone time when my kids are running in and out of my bedroom when I'm trying to watch my favorite show or they disappear just as I finish cooking dinner and I have to roam the neighborhood to find them. But the house was empty. My girlfriends are out of town. My boyfriend was at home with his kids, busy at their friends' house for the 4th. I was alone.

I should've gotten a good book and read, gone to bed early, colored my hair...something to enjoy the time I'd been gifted. I think with work looming the next morning, the kids having fun-time with Dad, and my Sinatra off partying it up with friends without his girlfriend, my mood grew gloomy.

Why can't I have the family around me? Why am I not helping Sinatra grill burgers or mix the baked beans? Even if my kids are with their dad I should have my boyfriend here. Living here. I don't need him but I NEED him. My partner. Without him I'm single. I am not single in theory so why am I alone? He should be here.

Two years ago when we began this crazy LDR, I would not have guessed we'd still be in love two years later but not living close by each other. I thought back then if it did not work out for us to be living in the same area, we'd go our separate ways. Our kids still have a lot of growing up to do and they've all gotten comfortable in their hometowns. Maybe its wrong to uproot kids at this age. If it wasn't going to happen, we should move on with our lives.

How foolish I was. I did not realize how deeply we all would weave each other into our lives. That I would grow to LOVE his kids and worry about them and care how they were feeling, acting, and growing. That he would become a light in my kids' lives, putting smiles on their faces and laughter in their bodies. How could I have thought if "it didn't work out" we'd leave to live our lives separately? Not a chance in hell that will happen.

Those four people are my family now even if the court system only regards me as a "collateral" in their lives. I spoke to the court's social worker and tried to express my love for them but I felt it fell flat. She hasn't met me in person and over the phone she could not have seen my love for them. I described each one of them realistically, pros and cons, but the cons were normal maternal admissions of faults on all our parts. Even so, I love them with all their flaws.

Two years now it's been. I'm not moving. Hopefully the court will allow them to come here. That is Sinatra's wish, and my kids and I are looking forward to the day they come rolling in town. There is not an alternative. That the courts may restrict where he and the kids can live is not an option I let my brain explore. I just can't.

He assured me on the phone he was so ready to get here, and doing everything he can to get him ready to go. I whined he hasn't gotten the house in realtor-show-ready condition yet, and even though he can't contact a realtor yet, he could be working on it. I boo-hooed the court dates keep getting pushed further out. He tried to sympathize and tell me he felt the same way.

I admit I didn't behave very adult-like. I wasn't very independent on Independence Day. But I got it out of my system, as I often do, and will look forward to the day when my family, all seven of us, are together for all holidays and special occasions. As it should be, and will be.

Learning to Swim All Over Again

My last triathlon swim time was less than stellar. In my age group my light blue cap was one of the last ones out of the water. My good friend is a no-face-in-the-water, doggie-paddle slash breast stroke kind of swimmer and we were in the same age group. She finished the 1500 meters one minute slower than me and she never even put her goggles on. And I'm sure all her conserved energy was the reason her final time was over 14 minutes faster than mine.

The swim was in a lake with buoys outlining our course, and by the first buoy I KNEW I did not have a groove, no flow, no stroke, and I was flailing around but going nowhere. When I saw my time later, I decided I needed help.

I found an adult conditioning swim class offered by the local rec center, $65 for one month of MWF...at 5:45am. Yes I said A.M. I bit the bullet. Its only for a month, right?

June 1st I went into the water in the dark. Whoosh! That's a slap in the face, but I warmed up quickly. My Ironwoman swim coach barked out some drills and I had no idea what they mean. She described them and showed me and off I went. I'm really a model student, doing everything that's asked of me and no stopping to chat or rest much. I only have that hour to give to the workout and I'm using it all.

This is opposed to my loud chatty classmate in the next lane. With his over-sized Ironman tattoo, IronmanBrad bombards our coach with questions about her next race and whines that he "hates" this one or that one. Oh please dude, if you hated a race why did you ask the tattoo artist to enlarge the IM logo to cover your whole calf? I think the race hates you, my friend. I sure am starting to.

I love the improved stroke I am learning. Coach has gently given me pointers and has me racing against myself, watching my pace on my 50s, 100s, and 150s. That's one lap, two, and three laps. I've never worked at swimming like this and it feels so different now. I visualize myself doing it in the open water, which is next on my training plan, and I know my next 1500 meters will be closer to 30 minutes, rather than 50.

The early mornings are a pleasant surprise to me. It only bothers me at that moment I have to leave my bed. After that I am thinking about the cup of coffee I'm about to make and take with me and getting my water bottle and goggles ready, and out the door by 5:30am. Earlier if I want to guarantee to get the lane I like. That hour goes so fast, and by the time I'm ending with my cool-down laps the sun is rising, the sleepy kids who practice after my class are shuffling in, and I feel great.

On my drive home from the pool I see all sorts of folks up walking and running and cycling. All before 7am! Who knew such a busy health-conscious community existed outside my darkened door at such an hour? I'm pleased to join them, and know I've already burned over 400 calories by the time I used to be rolling out of bed.

I think I will sign up for July.

Movin' On Up in the Tri World

That sure is a pretty skyline off Lady Bird Lake

This is not the first time I have swam along side that beautiful city, with the duck and bat poop and a thousand other crazy people, in what used to be called Town Lake. It surely will not be the last. At 8:06am last Monday I stuck my face in that dirty ole Colorado River, in the lake that's now named after LBJ's cute little wife, and swam with all the other 40-44 year old women in the 2012 CapTex Olympic Triathlon.

This was my second olympic length tri. It's a 1500 meter swim in the previously mentioned poopy lake, a 40K bike ride (over 24 miles for the Americans) over 4 loops of downtown Austin streets near the Capitol building, and a 10K (6.2 miles in 2 loops) run on those same streets. There are professional athletes doing this same course like Andy Potts, Hunter Kemper, and Sarah Haskins. These stellar athletes finish much faster than us amateurs and for over $40,000 in prize money. This tri is one of the more expensive ones to enter, without a charity cause that benefits, and placing in it gets you ranked with USAT or something fancy like that. There's also a paratri division, a first-timers division and a spring-distance division. This is a big money tri.

My swim was less than rank-worthy. I have been training in the cleaner Lake Pflugerville and felt great on most of those swims. I even did a 2K swim in the lower end of Lake Austin 3 weeks ago in which I felt pretty darn good, even though it took me 56 minutes to complete the 1.2 mile swim. I wore a wetsuit that time but the water Monday was too warm for it, so I was on my own. I never felt a flow in my stroke but I kept up my freestyle. The course seemed to go on forever and many of the colored-caps in the waves after mine zoomed past me but in 41 minutes I climbed out of the water.

A run through transition to put on my bike gear, and off I went on the bike course. Its a fast course and I love it. Last year I hauled some ass through it and had a rough run after, so this year I thought I'd keep my cadence high and my speed a bit slower to ease the wear on my legs and finish the tri strong. Last year's pace was 17.1 mph. My final pace this time? 17.2mph. Oh well. I just never learned to ride anything but fast.

Swooshed through transition again, changing shoes and throwing on my running visor, and I'm off on the run. Now last year I hated this run. Two loops, 5K each. I didn't know the course well and I wasn't sure how far the first loop was so I felt like it went FOREVER. I walked a lot of it last year. Oh and did I mention it was after 10am and blazing hot? No difference in that this year. Same distance, same 2 loops, and same hellacious heat. But I was prepared. Experience paid off. I planned a 4/1 run. Run 4 minutes, walk 1. I've practiced this over the last months and it has always come in fairly close to longer run/walks or full-out running. So I ran and depended on those one minutes like they were a vacation. I grabbed water at every station and drank a little and poured the rest down my shirt. I ate a GU and had some Gatorade. I watched other people struggling, even vomiting, but I kept golng at my pace. With an 11.26 minute mile I finished the course and my final race time was 3:25, 7 minutes faster than last year.

My new tri standard is the olympic distance. I began my sprint tris 5 years ago and every year I got be more efficient and more competent at them. I even placed in the top 10 in my age group in a few of the smaller ones. Its time to move on up to the next level. I have two more olympic tris planned. Bring it.

Training Without Borders

As I swam my 1000 meters today in the lake I train , I remembered where I was one year ago today. Not exactly what I was doing but where I "was".

I might've been doing a training swim last year at this time right before Memorial Day; I was training for the same triathlon I'm doing this Memorial Day. Last year I did it only 3 weeks after being diagnosed with breast cancer and having my first lumpectomy. I hit that anniversary a few weeks ago.

In a few weeks in June I will pass the anniversary of th second lumpectomy and the start of radiation. I did three more triathlons in June, July, and August last year. It seems like the cancer happened a lot longer than one year ago. I swam strong tonight and I have run and biked strong this week and these past months. I have had a great training year.

Not that all this training will shave hours off my finish-times, it won't. I'm a 42 year old weekend warrior, I won't be carrying home any hardware that every other finisher doesn't also have. The damn 40-44 year old women's age group is always huge. And there are ladies in MUCH better shape than me getting the top spots. That's fine. There might be one good thing about turning 45...or 50...smaller age groups.

So once I was done with radiation last August I got my energy back within a few weeks and I started training. We had an easy winter so I never stopped riding and running.

My social world revolves around mostly working out and races. I love that about my friends.

DONE~ two half-marathons, a 10-miler (I know I blogged that it sucked but it was still running 10 fucking miles!),and biking the Pedal Thru the Pines 55 miler, the Rosedale 45 miler and several other long training rides, including the two-day MS150 last month. All since just this past December. I even did a 5-miler with my Sinatra.

My basic training run went from 2-3 miles to 4-6. I signed up for two Olympic tris and am contemplating a half-iron, either relaying with my team or doing it outright myself. I decided the Sprint tri and the 5Ks were not necessary even though as I get better I could maybe place in my age group at the smaller races. Its not about winning. Its about the challenge.

If I dare compare myself to the great Lance Armstrong....I've gotten better since the cancer. As he said, "I hope it sends out a fantastic message to all survivors around the world. We can return to what we were before – and even better.” In Paris after taking his first Tour title in 1999

Scattered thoughts from an Overused 40+ Year-Old Mind

In June I will be 42 freakin' years old. I'm okay with the number. My life at 42 is no one else's but my own. Not dependent on anyone and I handle my own shit. Can every 42 year old say that?

I have 2 kids and 2 dogs and 2 bikes, a house, a car, and a yard of my own. I'm a single parent. If the grass grows, I mow it. Well, sometimes I pay the teenager across the street when he wants to make a quick 20. When the house needs cleaned, I clean it. Ok, I make my kids do some of it, but they aren't that great at it. When I'm having a bad day I wallow in it. Alright, I call a meeting of my BFFs and we meet for margaritas or wine. Its better than therapy.

Clearly I am an independent woman, but am not shy about asking for help.

I have a phone with a calendar on it which Google links to a calendar on my laptop or any computer I'm near. I love calendars. I have things scheduled already out to August at this point. I like to know waaaay ahead when something's coming so I can stick in my calendar. It gives me peace of mind to add an appointment. Then I know I have a chance of not forgetting it. I thrive on checking today's date and making sure I've got my ducks in a row for the day. Wow, that sounds a bit sick.

I make lists. On envelopes or post-its or scrap paper. Bills to pay, things to buy, places to be, people to call. Every week a new list. I add the status on my 401K and my mortgage balance and my weight. I throw everything on there. It soothes me. Out of my head and on to paper. Then I really get jazzed when I can cross off stuff...or maybe check it, whatever my mood demands.

I try to stay active and by doing that, I schedule every single minute down to the second with "stuff". Why? When do I rest? 42 ain't no spring chicken! Metabolism is slowing, brain function is getting muddled, skin is drooping, hair is graying. But I'm told I don't look 40+. No matter I'm told that by 75+ year olds, hey, I'll take it anyway. Because my 42 year old brain can't click as quickly as it once did, my calendar alerts keep me from forgetting something important and let someone down. I'm a pleaser and a perfectionist. Not always a good combo. I am not the most organized person either. It looks unorganized to the untrained eye, but my mess is mine and I know where everything is. Or at least what pile its in. Here is a picture of my actual workspace at work...sticky-notes, piles and all:

I know it looks like a scene from the movie A Beautiful Mind but I know where any manufacturer rep's phone number or insurance account number are hanging in the mess. It would make sense to put those stickies on one single computer-typed page. I look at my mess and am sometimes disgusted. I'm sure my office isn't professional-looking. I don't do well with change so in the 12 years I've hibernated in this office daily, this is what I get. The mess isn't going anywhere. It is all I can do to get from one day to the next without forgetting to put on a shirt each morning, so if I'm arriving at work fully dressed, getting my kids and the dogs fed, and moving my ass enough that I don't weigh 200 lbs, I figure I'm doing alright.