High School is Here~ How to Let My Child Choose Her Way

Where Did This Beauty Come From?

My 14 year-old Lil Lady is going to high school.  In the last month, she has been told by her middle school counselors about taking classes and what career academy she needs to decide on which will take her through high school and on into college.

She is not thrilled about all this.

She gets anxious when she thinks she has to decide NOW what she wants to be when she grows up.  I have explained the classes are all about exposure to new subjects in order to figure out what she is good at, and what she likes, and hopefully it will parlay into a major in college and eventually a career.

I have to back the truck up and tell her to just worry about 9th grade for now.  Intro classes and extra-curricular activities at a big new school.  Pre-AP or non-AP? Ride the bus to school or catch a ride?  Backpack or satchel?  All questions she is bringing up daily.

We have pretty much decided on what classes beyond her core-classes she will take.  We have discussed what would be interesting and/or fun for her electives.  Journalism so she can be in Yearbook, Gymnastics so she can stay active and learn more flexibility (at the ripe ole age of 14, one can't be immobile), and a technology class she needs for a computer credit which has an art undercurrent with audio/visual and communications included.

Sadly, she passed on my suggestions of the dance class for drill team or color guard.  A little piece of my heart broke off when she vehemently answered "No!" to the possibility of either of these teams. I think her words were actually "Ew, no."  Like a knife to my heart, Kid.

Alas, that was my life in high school, not hers.  I wonder if I pushed her too hard, and she isn't interested because she doesn't want to be compared to me?  Or does she think I was a nerd?  Either one or both surely.

What's wrong with this picture? Nothing! I was a STAR!!!

It is true that she really hasn't experienced high school other than the Friday night football games, and she may have to take a year to take it all in, then she may decide.  I fear of course that will be too late, and all the cliques will have formed and she will be lost.  Project much, Mom?

I still feel that butterfly-feeling of wanting acceptance I had, and I remember wanting to find my own way and not be pinned down by my parents wishes.  I'm 40+ and have my own teenager to try not to smother, but the feelings still come up.  I didn't want to be left out of anything back then.  At school I roamed in a pack, and rarely did anything that 78% of the school wasn't doing.

We all could've swapped clothes & hair and it'd be the same photo

I feel like it was yesterday.

It WAS yesterday, wasn't it?

Not me, not me, not me, not me...

I confess, I was a follower.

Yep, God forbid I show an ounce of originality back in my school days.  I attended Catholic school in junior high, for Pete's sake we all wore the same blue-plaid uniform.  I did own blue-and-white checked Vans I wore with my skirt-and-vest combo uni....I probably thought I was pretty out-there with my Vans on...such a skater-punk...not.

Fast forward to today.  Lil Lady's reality is she doesn't care to dress outrageously, but has a few fashion choices that are her own.  She has a Selena-Gomez-esque style, which I think is adorable, but I don't dare praise her too much.  That would be wrong.

She will paint her nails all different colors, write on her wrists or hands the names of her favorite boy-band, and has already dabbled in fun hair colors and styles.  She can rock a messy-teenager-sock-bun, or wand-curl each individual strand for a wavy look.  She has Converse, Sperry's and Tom's of all patterns, to wear below adorably tiny size 2 skinny jeans and shorts.

She has stayed in art class all through middle school, and dance, and theatre, and does best in Language Arts~ do you see a pattern here?  I do.  I see a My-Job-Will-Make-Me-No-Money-And-I-Could-Live-Back-Home-At-Some-Point-In-My-Adult-Life-pattern.  Thus the reason my input on class-choice is imperative as of now.

"My Mom Told Me There'd be Days Like This..."

She has her own thoughts on how high school will be.  I know how it was for me, but what the hell do I know about high school NOW?  Her soon-to-be school looks like a shopping mall, or an airport.  It has a cafe and a coffee shop right inside.  They are a 5A school which means BIG.  There are boys there who look like MEN.  There are girls there who are already Moms.  I get her anxiety.

It feels a bit like sending her off again to Kindergarten.  A full day of dealing with new people in a new place.  She's a thoughtful kid, so I can't wait to hear all about it.  Thank God for now, she still talks to me if no one else is around.

I must listen and repress interjecting my antiquated opinions on how high school was for me.  I don't even remember my Mom telling me how it was for her, and now I am sure it is because when she told me, I tuned her out immediately.  My poor Mom.

Well, Hello Karma...meet my daughter....

How to Top 2012? More Love and Less Legal in 2013

Lady Bird Lake in May with all us Cap2Kers

2013 has snuck up on me fast and furiously.  I think I could hear the brakes squealing as November and December roared up, but I wasn't ready to have 2012 down in the memory books.  It was a whirlwind year.  Aside from all the stuff going on with Sinatra, mainly the legal shenigans that were a constant thorn in our sides, we managed a pretty good year together.  

Work rolled along steady, nothing new there.  I am actively searching for opportunities in teaching in my field but dutifully doing my same-ole, same-ole to keep the status quo.  I'm involved on the board of my state's audiology group and that has been an eye-opener in the span of my field's future.  No more head-in-the-sand mentality here.  Seeing how I'm slated to be the Prez next year, I've committed to staying informed from here on out.

I was able to get ready for my tri season with several long runs including a half-marathon and a 10-miler, a 2K lake-swim for prostate cancer, and a 150-mile bike ride for multiple sclerosis.  The tri season began and I went to a new level (for me) and competed in larger races to challenge myself.  I began swim lessons three times a week, and celebrated the year that had passed since I was dealing with breast cancer and going to radiation every day for 6 weeks.

Team Mighty Fine Cycling before the MS150

Travel was yet again my saving grace.  I was able to fit in two ski trips, one to Tahoe just Sinatra and I and our also-kidless friends, and one to Colorado with all the kids.   June brought another travel experience.. .Hello NOLA!  New Orleans with old high school buddies and lots of unmentionables.  Yes, at age 42+, we can still  have a weekend where we party like its 1986....we regress that much in a matter of a few hours and a few cocktails.

Sublimely happy to share this view
 with my girls

Late summer, Sinatra and I did a camping weekend with the kids, which was really a staycation in Waco for us. Its just too expensive and hard to please everyone to plan an elaborate week-long travel trip for a second time in one year.  We expend ourselves doing it for the ski trips and need a year to recover.   We managed a water park and cooking out and smores and sleeping 8 in a camper.  All in all super fun and hopefully a memory for them to cherish.


Side note: Does anyone see how many times I'm writing "we"? After my divorce it took a LOOOONG time to stop saying "we" and start saying "I" about everything I owned or did.  It used to be a conscious effort every time.  Guess that's all for nothing now that I'm back to a "we".  Its ok, I like it.

To cap off the summer Sinatra and I flew to Costa Rica.  Paradise, indeed.  It was a trip offered by my former boss and his family, and we couldn't refuse.  So glad we didn't.  My inner spirit was rejuvenated as we experienced the carefree beach life in Jaco.

Welcome to the Jungle....

The Fall is time for end of season triathlons and my racing buddies and I spent our last weekend in September making the most of a small-town but big-time tri, ignoring the wind, rain and cold, and warming up at one of the many wineries nearby in between events.  Enduring the weather during that sprint tri and relay-half-iron was its own tough-it-out challenge, but the company I kept made me so fulfilled and thrilled to be there.

This is me, looking for the wine.  Its promise led me to the finish, I'm sure 

They call this Smart Ass Red

Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled up, with both my girls' birthdays the end of the year is always here and gone in a blink of an eye. I will never have a breathe-easy, relax and think of the Reason for the Season as long as those girls keep having birthdays.  I told them this year, now that they are older and more interested in moula than toys, if they'd consolidate their birthday parties into a smaller group of girls, maybe out to dinner and a movie, rather than a huge production (we did TWO of those in a matter of 2 weeks), they might get some cashola in their stockings instead of Dollar-Store trinkets. 

At least that's what Santa told me.

But now its the new year, and since Sinatra's custody issues have been worked out, we are both much lighter for it.  His coming here bi-weekly on his off-kid weeks has been the best of both worlds.  I'm at work, he's working here when I get home, and its been real normal and calm.  Its a weird surreal feeling to be living in this new-fangled limbo, somewhere between living together and non-marriage, but then again, there isn't a timeline anymore and there isn't any rules we must adhere to, so who's judging?  

He's commuting for me and also his work, but since I'm not planning to make any moves closer to him either, then this is it.  Not really limbo.  Not really final either.  I sometimes allow myself to wonder how long can we do this?  Anything can change in the amount of time it will take for some or all of the kids to finish school.  But I will continue to hold onto this place we have created.  I admit I have my down thoughts at times when I miss him, but mostly I am doing well with our time together and our time apart.

Happy times...yes, we are a happy "we"

Someone recently asked me how long ago I divorced.  I responded "almost 6 years ago" and she said she remembered I was married, but wasn't sure when or if I divorced.  She noticed on Facebook how NON-married I acted with the man in my life, in the posts and pictures.  How revealing!  How I am nice and loving to him in the online public, and a married person noticed the difference and assumed correctly that this man is NOT my husband.  What to think about that? Hmmm.

One marriage down, I learned a few things about how to treat a partner.  I have learned to be more patient and more considerate, and not say every nasty thing that jumps into my mind when I'm irritated, and to shut the bathroom door when I go.  I try to make things even-steven financially, work-wise, and with the kids.  I remember the resentment when I wasn't being heard and I try to voice my issues in a way that demands attention but not anger.  Sinatra is even better at all of this than me.

As I have been a mother for over 14 years now, I can reflect on how my girls are becoming interesting and responsible little ladies, and I am pleasantly surprised as the days go by and they grow up before my eyes.  We have our fights and our fits but our happy co-dependence on each other in this household when it is just Us Women makes us recover from strife quickly, and there is plenty of laughter.  Our days are knee-deep in cheer, piano and volleyball and I love watching them make their way.

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dah

I'm blessed to have a New Year to spend with this FAMILY that I have.


Here's to soaring off into 2013....

Wheeeeeeee!

The Walking Spenders Need a New Year Resolution

Is it over yet?

This holidays are supposed to be devoted to family gatherings and parties and shopping in crowded malls, right?  Then why do I feel like a zombie pushing my cart through HEB or walking from BFE in the mall parking lot?  For the past few weeks, I've felt like boarding myself up in the house and waiting until it all blows over and Spring Break has arrived.


I  did some of my Christmas shopping early, as I do every year when all the stores start to lay out giftboxes and play Christmas music.  I get in the mood like everyone else a week or so before Thanksgiving, and the emails with free shipping and exclusive offers and fairydust start popping up in my inbox.  I get some of it done because my girls have birthdays in November and December and its imperative that I get those out of the way early so I can concentrate on actual Christmas shopping.  The gift deluge before the gift deluge.  Its insane.

At least I don't do the Black Friday Invasion, mainly because I work that day every year, but also because people are generally stupid when a coupon or sale ad is screaming at them they MUST buy, like right now.  As if there won't be another sale in the coming weeks.  Waiting in lines wrapped around the store for another TV for the house, or a video game their kid will die without.  Save on the sale price but buy three times as much. Seriously. Not. Smart.

Zombies, that's what they look like waiting in those lines and wandering around the malls this time of year....or sitting in their cars in the extra-traffic that somehow invades our city this time of year.  I get it, Austin is cool as shit, but its time to Go Away.  We have enough Weirdos here without all the relatives of the Weirdos traipsing all over our Zilker-lighted tree and wreath-adorned Congress Avenue.

If forced to go in a mall, this is me.

The after Christmas-rush is just as bad.  Never mind that there really could be a zombie invasion some day.  I watch The Walking Dead, so it seems like the folks I see shuffling around may have already been bitten and have "made the change".  The return-lines, the giftcards you feel pressure to unload, the after-holiday "sales". It makes me want to stab myself in the head to end it all.

Its all so ridiculous.  We don't NEED anything.  I'd love to use my end of the year bonus to pay off the bills I've created all the rest of the year.  NOT to create even more bills with over-spending all in the matter of a six week time-span.  Fiscal cliff or not, we Americans, not just our President and Congressmen and women, but us regular Joes and Marys, are spending whores.

We all should be thinking of a New Year Resolution~ during the holidays, stop buying trinkets that nobody needs, and use your saved money and bonuses to pay off credit card debt.  Or better yet, pay down someone else's debt, and let them pay on yours.  Wouldn't that be better than another set of slippers?

TO: Uncle Charlie
I paid $50 toward your $697.49 VISA card balance
...dang, what have you been buying?
FROM: Your Niece

We will still buy things for ourselves, things we need and things we want, so the productivity and supply-demand will not go down.  My plan is economy-friendly.  There just won't be as much stuff for garage sales as there used to be.  Ebay may suffer.  We will have things we wanted, we had money to buy, or had a credit card without a high balance to charge.

I think its genius.

Anyone want to get started with my amazon.com VISA?

Let's get this Show on the Road!

Second Time's a Charm...or an Unanswered Prayer?

As a 40-Something Woman of the World (ha!) I often wonder how I will live out my golden years.  I know I will be a traveler.  I want to plan excursions with my girlfriends and my man...er...separately of course.  I know I want to retire from working full-time while I am still able to enjoy it.  But I also know I want to stay grounded with a home-base near my children and grandchildren, as long as they know Grandma isn't hanging out at home waiting for Sunday dinner.  

In the immediate future, as in the next 8 years while I still have school-aged kids, I want to keep my current job to pay the bills, but expand into other areas such as teaching, which could parlay into a late career of a professorship in academia.  I see this clearly as a way to work not for the money, but for the fulfillment of educating new minds.  

In my relationship with Sinatra, I am clear on us growing old together.  How we get there is a bit more fuzzy.  Marriage and living together full-time is not in the cards for us right now.  The custody court results were clear.  His kids need to stay in their hometown 250 miles away to share custody between Sinatra and his ex.  My pity party regarding this outcome is over.  I am able to understand that his children actually enjoy going to their mom's (as a result of her finally stepping up and structuring her life more for her kids, thanks to the court case), and they weren't thrilled to move in the middle of their schooling.  I am able to understand Sinatra gave up his ability to move but worked out other important financial details with his ex, which benefit the children.  I am at peace with it all.  

Destination Wedding? No. Tropical island vacation? Yes!

We've discussed our future, and although there isn't a wedding to plan, we may have even better options available now.  His job will need him to be here often, even so far as needing him to establish a home here.  This would give "us" all a second (third?) home for him and his kids to be here extended times, like in the summer or on Christmas or Spring Breaks.  All 7 of us in my tiny house doesn't make for an easy visit.  A house for them near mine would give them a place to come without feeling cramped, and no air mattresses or sharing bathrooms.

I recently had a conversation with my friend, one of the K's, who is another divorced gal with two kids similar ages as mine, and who is dating someone who doesn't quite fit the mold for the "Let's move in together and get married" attitude expected of us as divorced-and-dating women.  We agreed we did the fall in love/get married/have babies thing in our 20s.  Now in our 40s we have been through divorce-hell and having come out of it independent and in control, it isn't necessary for us to compromise all over again, uproot the children again, or share bank accounts again.  

Our kids ARE our lives, as they should be, and our new men can definitely step in and aide us in raising them, but ultimately we are in control and bear the responsibility to get them through childhood and on into a productive adulthood.

K and I share a lot of the same issues with our ex-husbands enjoying the part-time-parenting-after-divorce, while we slog through our weeks running our kids from schools to activities to homework to bath to bed.  And we know in our relationships with our "new" men, we aren't ready to let go of the reins.  We worked through painful divorces to attain our Single-Mom-Wonder-Woman status and wear it proudly.  

What works for another divorcee when they meet "the one" (the other "one", not the "one" they married first...ha) may not work for us.  That's OK.  We all know of second marriages that were not successful.  Now that we have ourselves back together after divorce, why would we risk starting all that over just because society thinks we should be locked-down and married?  

Society.  Our parents and their aged-friends cannot get it that we have a CHOICE.  We don't have to get married again. Especially right away.  Let the kids have us to themselves, and our mates when they are around, and their Dads when they are around.  I know for my two girls, they have gotten to see their mom do it ALL. It shows them what is possible and what a woman can handle.  

Now, I don't always like being Miss-Independent...trust me.  I whine and complain when I am leaving work after an 8-hour day and driving straight to get the kids and on to a piano lesson or volleyball practice or cheer performance without even so much as going to the bathroom.  I microwave a mean frozen meal or pizza for my kids on a late night, or even do the drive-through fast food to just be done with it.

Miss-Independent is an empowering label, but I personally was not built to do it alone.  I rely on anyone and everyone to help me out with all our activities, and I mean my own as well.  Sinatra has stepped right on up with vigor and enthusiasm to take my girls, or his kids AND my girls, where they need to be.  I have no doubt if he was here, near me, I would share all of these things with him joyfully.

I am convinced Sinatra and I will thrive in our new arrangement.  It really has dawned on me our Unanswered Prayer was just what we needed to survive our post-divorce/full-time parent 40s decade.

Maybe our 50s will be a whole new ball of wax.  I look forward to it.

Pity Party, Party of One

Go towards the light, Carol-Ann!.

Had a dream a few nights ago....very telling. 

Sinatra and I ended up in an underground room, hiding from something, and became stranded there, stuck underground with no way out.  A few other people we know were there as well.  I was getting super claustrophobic since we were underground with no way out.  Suddenly we heard noise outside and someone was getting to the door and getting it open.  I then realized I could see a window with light through it and we weren't as far underground as I thought.  The door was finally opened and everyone was going out but me.  Sinatra was at the threshold with his hand out saying, Come on...but I wouldn't go out of fear.  

Then I woke up.

It doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure that one out...I do feel trapped with fear of my future right now.  We, Sinatra and I and the kids, have reached the conclusion of the custody battle.  It was settled between him and his ex out of court, minutes before the mudslinging would have begun in front of an almost-retired judge.  I am not pleased with the settlement.  He let her out of all the money she owed him and reworked their possession arrangement so they kids will have plenty of time with their mom.  I thought he wanted the freedom to move with the kids, but he settled with his ex to allow her more possession than she already had, thereby cutting off all possibility of them moving here.

It has been a rough couple of days with us.

And then there's me.  I know, this situation did not happen TO ME, but it is obviously affecting my life.  The plans we talked about from the beginning where they move to my town in the summer and set up their own household and get used to new surroundings and start at new schools.  We begin to function as a family, attending the kids' activities and school-nights, and grocery shopping together.  Separate living to ease his kids into a new town, without the complication of instant step-siblings or a new step-parent right off the bat.  We would work out weekends with their mom and function smoothly as an extended family.

Eventually a merge.  Eventually a marriage.

I am mourning the loss of this plan.  What we now have leaves us with more LDR, less time I get to spend with his kids, he and I working our plans around the crazy visitation the kids now will have with their mom.  Week-on, week-off, where are they now? Can we switch that day for this day, blah, blah, blah.

Then the question goes...

How much compromise and sacrifice will he and I be able to take?  

Justice for all?

Sinatra's friends, and some of mine, ask why I won't move to him?  I have come to the conclusion that this option could be our immediate ruin.  He's claimed to be unhappy there and the ex-wife drama was there too, so why would I move closer to that?  Put myself and my girls closer to it?  Hell no. After their settlement, however, he's vowing to co-parent with her and they have agreed to be flexible on the visitation times.  Easy? Flexible? I have not known these words to describe anything with their post-divorce relationship.  I have that type of divorce with my ex, and I wish that for Sinatra too, but I'm distrustful of her motives and promises.

Staying here and doing the LDR thing is a challenge at best.  We've done it for over 2 years now but that was with the hopes of an end in sight.  That end is null and void as far as I can tell now.  His life is there, 3 hours north of here.  His kids want to be there, not here.  His ex needs to be near her kids, she fought for them and won.

All of my hopes were based in the information I was told by Sinatra from the beginning of our relationship.  His ex was a part-time mom since the divorce.  She drank and smoked and partied several times a week.  She skipped her visitation nights for the bar.  Her new husband was mean to the kids, not interested in trying to build a relationship with them.  The kids didn't like going to their house.  I believed these things.  It made sense that they would want to move here with their dad and it made sense she wouldn't mind them going.

Was he lying? No. I believe he was caught up in the mires of the fight for survival too.

This information was wrong, yes.  It was one-sided and it became more cloudy as the court proceedings droned on.  Was she fighting to keep her kids or was she fighting to prevent Sinatra from being happy?  I thought the latter, but now I'm not so sure.  Time will tell if she takes all her allotted visitation with the kids and builds healthy relationships with it.  She must now put her money where her mouth has been.  I give her props if she does. See how forgiving I can be?

I would have never entered into this LDR with the expectation of them moving here if I knew she was a mom really wanting her kids to stay close.  I am a mom too, my kids ARE my days, and I wouldn't let anyone remove my kids from my daily life.  I don't want to make my kids move and leave the life we've built here since they were babies.  I understand that is probably his desire now too.  I guess I got lost in the notion that I had a better life for him and his kids here, and assumed they were on board. The reality of them wanting to stay there, and the removal of any chance of a future move has slapped me hard.  In the face.  Without warning.

Ok, I had warning.  Back in the summer the court-appointed social worker's report proclaimed the kids should remain with their father's primary custody but they be bound the immediate county to stay near their mom and foster new relationships with her.  I plunged into depression after reading that.  I spend days trying to cope with it.  Sinatra assured me his legal team would fight for his ability to move when and where he wanted.  I clung to that.

The hope is gone and now a new future looms.  No big, happy family dinners on Sundays.  Marriage is off the table even before it was on.  I am trying to imagine how I will view this outcome in a few days, but right now I am overcome with sadness and loss.

I will work to not pity myself anymore, but recognize I am unstable right now.  Unclear as to what is next, and as usual, I'd like it to be all laid out for me so I can know what to expect.  This has always been my way, but I rarely choose the safe route in my love life, so rarely do I feel the calm and safety that love is supposed to provide.

I'm a big girl.  I will not die from this.  The Family we could have been is the loss we will mourn.  I am one of those people who realize Bad Things Happen To Good People.  Pessimist? Maybe.  Realist? Yes.  But there are worse things in life than this.  Cancer.  Accidents.  Disaster.  I will count my blessings even in my melancholy.

I am of the people who will eventually rise above the train wreck that has happened here.  Sinatra is too.  He is one of the most positive people I know.  I love him for it and he offsets my cynicism when I let the boogey-man get inside my head.  We will rise above and move on because our kids need us to.  Anything else would destroy what we have together and have been so blessed to have found.  I will find a way to forgive, accept, and forge on.

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. 
Friedrich Nietzsche 

I Heart Triathlon

I heart Triathlon.

I sat on my couch watching the recap of the Kona Ironman Championships and am so proud to be in this sport. The complex mix of training for three different sports and the camaraderie of the triathlon community has given my mid-life a meaning that belongs all to me.

I am a proud Mama of two really talented and interesting girls, and I have learned I need to stay talented and interesting myself for us all to have a healthy balance with each other. Triathlon and other racing do this for us.

My one and only mud race...Chillgirl did it too and we agree- NO MORE MUD RACES!

I may never be an Ironman, but that's okay.  My Ks and other friends are racking up 70.3s (half-irons) and 140.6 (fulls) and I'm so proud to watch and cheer for them.  I was with the Ks when they did their first few sprint triathlons and I've trained and raced with them all along their journeys to their big races.  We still do sprint and olympic races together.  Our training and race-prep are our version of what other girlfriends do with shopping, or book club, or Bunko.  We yak and yak, catching up on kids, ex-husbands, boyfriends, dating, nutrition, and exercise plans.  Its priceless time to unwind and workout the body and mind.

My triathlon season is over for the year.  It goes from about April (if I'm ambitious) to September or October (if I'm still feeling it).  Its hard to believe I've been doing triathlon for SIX years.  I'm up to 24 or 25 tri or du races at this point.  You would think I'd be an expert by now, but no, this sport evolves, and as I go into new seasons and try new races, I always am learning more.

This year my big revelation was that I do not plan to aspire to larger and longer races.  After years of spring distance tris, I had it planned to spend 2012 doing olympic-length races.  I did three.  That is a lot because this length is not offered very often.  I did no Sprint-lengths until the very end, the last weekend of September.  I did it and it felt great.  The olympic races did NOT leave me feeling great.  I worried about my times and conserving energy and eating/drinking enough.  My swims were steadily improving thanks to my lessons and my cycling was the same as always (read: I kick ass and take names), but my running was all over the place.  The first olympic I did I ran/walked and felt really good with that.  The second one I ran the whole way and was thrilled.  The third I ran/walked the first 5k, but punked out and walked most of the second half.  I was irritated that as the season went on, I did not feel I was improving.

The sprint I did at the end of the season wasn't the easiest one I've done.  It was in a new venue and it was raining at the start.  But it was OVER in an hour and 42 minutes! What's to complain about there?  I was on to the free beer by the time I would've been starting the run on an olympic race!

I began with sprint distance triathlons back in 2007.  I loved them.  Fell IN love with them.  I started doing them brand-new to the sport and slowly figured out how to improve my times and train better for a multi-sport.  Then along the way I thought they were getting too easy, and I should "graduate" to a longer race.  Much like I feel about doing 5Ks as I have graduated to10Ks, 10 milers, and half-marathons.  I'm not even a runner, so why do I think I need to run longer to make it worth my while? Insane.

I know the desire to go bigger in triathlon was the influence of my tri buddies who are doing halfs and full-Irons.  I thought I must keep up with them.  Guess what? I can't.  Ooohhh, the big-bad word CAN'T.  Yeah, I said it.  Its true.

This guy looks like me too, about to fall over on the run....

No, I don't mean physically.  I CAN physically sloth through a half-Ironman.  Its not that much longer than an olympic on the swim, its double the distance on the bike, and a little more than double the run.  I've done all those distances individually many times before.  A half-Iron was my pinnacle goal before this season started.  I think I'll shelve it, but its possible it will come out again in the future.

The full-Iron? Well that's another story.  Its an unknown at this point if I physically COULD do it, but mentally I DON'T WANNA.  Twice my longest swim, 112 miles on the bike (that's just not fun), and a full-marathon, which I've never done.  Nope.

But if the olympics are not getting easier for me and yes, even though this is only the second season I've done them, I question my reasons for pushing it?  I probably will do another olympic but I will choose different ones.  No more CapTex or Austin Tri.  Same-ish downtown Austin routes, too many participants, over-priced and basically not FUN.  Waco, yes. That was fun, although the bike was cut short with a rainstorm.  Kerrville, possibly.  Marble Falls, hopefully.

If I want to continue to "heart" triathlon, I need to be smart about it.  Do what keeps you sane, builds your confidence, and gives you a self-esteem boost to keep you wanting it.  I can only train so many hours a week in this stage of my life.  To be realistic, I shouldn't even be prepared for olympic tris or half-marathons, but I'm doing both.

Out of the many hats I'm wearing these days: Mom, audiologist, board member, teacher, coach, or friend, Triathlete is all for ME, and I want to keep it that way.  Doing it for me, which makes me happy, which makes me a better whatever-hat-I'm-wearing person, which makes it all worth it.

Dr. Jenn's CouplesTherapy, Not Just a Time-Suck

This was Season 1's cast....wait, is that "Guard & Protect" Casey and Vienna from The Bachelor? Hot Dang, I gotta HULU that season!

Does anyone else have voyeuristic tendencies like me and watch Couples Therapy on VH-1 with Dr. Jenn?  Its similar to Dr. Drew's Rehab/Celebrity Rehab, but Dr. Jenn doesn't have that pouty red face like Dr. Drew.  I so hate him but I'm riveted to watch the train wrecks he counsels trying to get clean.  

I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV.  I am well aware that much of it is contrived, and not really "real" but then again, all the interviews I've heard with Lauren Conrad, Kim Kardashian, and the contestants from Bachelor and Survivor say the producers may give them scenarios, and direct them in how its to play out, but the reactions and words come from the "reality TV stars" themselves.  I still don't count these fools as "stars", but whatever.

Couples Therapy is marriage counseling for semi-famous people, and the 2nd season just started.  Dr. Jenn Berman is a therapist I started listening to on Cosmo Radio on XM radio each night for radio therapy for any ailment~ sex, drugs, dying, abuse, etc.  I've listened to her for years.  

Now I get to put a face with the voice and see her on VH-1 each week.  I watch this show and Dr. Drew's show to see how people deal with their lives, whether its drugs, alcohol, anorexia, or marital issues like infidelity, emotional detachment, or verbal abuse.  Almost none of these things have ever been my problems, but I am a people-person, I see and get to know new people every day in my job, and I love to find out more about what makes people tick. Plus I might learn out NOT to act when a weird situation presents itself.

Couples Therapy is particularly interesting to me right now.  I watch the couples interact as I always do around married folk.  I'm in awe of the science experiment of marriage.  How Does It Work?  I curiously watch married people talk to each other and how they fight.  How their tempers flare, and how they play victim or aggressor.  I remember my marriage and how it fell apart, and I compare my actions to those of married people I see everywhere.

I watch couples all the time in my daily life.  At work I see who is the one making the decisions, who is the concerned one, who is passive-aggressive.  Anywhere I'm standing around I watch how people treat each other.  Does the husband care for his wife and get her a pen when she needs it or just point in the direction of the pen holder?  Does she snap at him?  Do they laugh? Do they hold hands, or not touch at all?

Nik and Shayne

On the show, there are clearly problems already that brought them to Dr. Jenn.  One couple is Shayne Lamas and Nik Richie.  Shayne is Lorenzo Lamas' daughter and "won" the Bachelor in the 12th season and Nik created The Dirty, a tabloid website.  She's gorgeous and he's not much to look at but has a sexy voice and seems smooth.  They got married in Vegas 8 hours after having met and have been together for long enough to now have a baby.  She hates that he writes dirty things on his website, and he hates that she runs to the mall when she's mad and spends all his money.  


I like this couple.  They seem like they really love each other, but they barely every look directly AT each other.  I remember being so resentful most of the time I didn't want to look directly at my ex-husband, which was hard because we signed to communicate. But that caused me to just not want to communicate.  A bad marriage is full of avoiding.  Would you ever conduct any other relationship successfully without talking face-to-face?

Shayne and Nik are more real, even as they are "celebrities" (not really for any skill they have, just for throwing themselves into the public eye), and they seem to actually have something that could be fixed.  

Then Dr. Jenn jumped the shark a bit by allowing into the house Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, the couple who's been in the news because she's only 17 (and acts every bit of those 17 ridiculous years) and he's in his 50's and they "fell in love" and got married, with her redneck (no doubt) parents' consent.  

This is her serious face, usually she look like she's on X.

He was a serious actor (in the Green Mile and other good movies) but has lost everything to be with this adolescent tramp.  She acts like this is all fun and games and just another way to get her overly made-up face, fake hair extensions, and underfed tiny body (which she shows off liberally) on more TV.  These two have no chance.  She flaunts her body in public wearing stripper heals and butt-baring shorts, and he follows her around trying to stave off the oglers and would-be rapists wanting to get at her.  He wants the marriage to work, but Courtney can't even understand what marriage means, she's so clueless.  Get these jack-wagons off the show Dr. Jenn, they are ruining your credibility as a therapist.

There's several other couples on the show, some are alcoholics, or sex-aholics, and some are just jerks, but none are as interesting as the two couples above.

Anyway, back to MY reality.  I can watch all the other couples I want on TV or in my own life, but it doesn't really give me confidence in allowing myself to be legally bound to another human being again.  Remarrying terrifies me.  I got a pretty safe thing going on with me, myself, and I (and my girls).  If I want to avoid drama, I just stay home and avoid it.

I know couples who have been through infidelity, and some of those seem to be on the other side and happy again, and others are just co-existing for the kids.  I know couples who work separately, so much so they don't see each other that much.  If they make special time for each other, like meeting for a date as a couple would who are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR), they can have a spark they visit regularly when they take a break from their busy lives.  

I have parents who don't like each other that much most of the time.  They have both confessed they wished they weren't "stuck" with the other.  This makes me shudder at the thought of my geriatric years in misery.  But then I also know couples who weave seamlessly together their lives, complimenting each other, as in working well together as well as giving each other compliments.  These are the golden couples.  Its rare, and probably not like that all of the time, but these couples make me believe in the possibility of marriage.

My current station in life is to make sure my kids make it through the week and rest up on the weekends.  That's really it.  I do squeeze in a swim, a run, or a ride a few times a week to keep my own sanity, but only if there's time.  My girls' activities take up so much of my time that anything more than the LDR that Sinatra and I currently employ would be difficult to maintain.  Yes, I know people do it.  I know blended families exist.  But how?  With our 5 kids running in opposite directions, and then our exes not being the most cooperative of parents so we could coordinate an "off" weekend for ourselves?  

I have doubts we could make it work right now without injuring our bond. I know that sounds distrustful of what we have.  If anything, I'm distrustful of my own faith in what we have.  He's pretty optimistic about it all.  He and I are in a holding pattern anyway for his court battle with his ex over moving here with the kids.  There isn't a chance he'd be moving here anytime soon.  

My doubts stem from our fear of throwing too much change into the basket at once.  We've both been through a divorce.  We like each other too much to force our togetherness too fast.  Respecting the huge shift in him and his kids' lives if they move here is a huge priority for me.  I don't want to put more strain on their pre-teen and teenage psyches, which have already been tested more than normal with the custody battle.

I have come to recognize I seem to choose the hard way to couplehood.  It may be something inside of me that doesn't think it should be easy, so I don't choose the easy way.  I don't think I've turned away men in my past who would've been easy to love, or easy to live with, but maybe I did.  The men I've been attracted to are always a bit quirky and interesting, and maybe its that I'm drawn to a bit of controversy.  Maybe I'd be a good Reality TV specimen.

No one could call me plain vanilla.  I may have a mundane life of going to work, dealing with the kids, feeding the dogs, and trying to get more than 6 hours of sleep each night, but I try to spice up my life with adventures and new experiences.  Maybe I'm drawn to Reality TV shows because they are as crazy as I'd like to be, even for a day.